3 Myths about Lack of Sexual Desire in Marriage

Myth: The Partner with Low-Desire Has a Hangup About Sex

Most relationships consist of one high-desire and one low-desire partner. In general, one should not draw the conclusion that the low-desire partner is below average, or the high-desire partner is off the charts. It just means that their desires aren’t equal in their particular relationship, just as perspectives differ on chores, work, and other aspects of life.

According to Shnarch, there’s often a paradox in that the partner with lower desire may actually be more sexually experienced or inclined, but they’ve simply lost interest in the mediocre sex in their relationship. “It’s the high desire partner’s desire for additional servings of lousy sex that needs to be questioned.” (crucibletherapy.com)

Scripture discusses the importance of diligence and excellence in life and relationships (we see this often throughout the book of Proverbs). When a marriage has become sexually dysfunctional in some way, it’s important to not settle for mediocrity but to make a commitment to pursue greater intimacy and pleasure for both spouses.

Myth #1: Getting Married Kills Sexual Desire

Marriage in and of itself is not a sex-killer but it does make a difference in the way couples view and treat their sexual relationship.

When relationships are in the infatuation stage, there’s an accompanying chemical euphoria that makes the sexual relationship naturally more intense. This inevitably gives way to a less exciting stage due to the reduction of honeymoon hormones in the brain.

When sex becomes less intense and exciting, therefore, it’s not due to marriage itself, but to the normal progression of a relationship from infatuation to stability.

According to Schnarch, these stages in a relationship prove how advantageous marriage truly is. Marriage forces spouses to evolve their sense of identity individually and with their spouse. This personal development is vital to having better sex down the road, the kind of sex only found in monogamous long-term relationships.

“Research says the marital bed is still the hot bed of sex. Married couples are more likely to have more sex, and more varied sex than single people.” (Intimacy & Desire 34) (crucibletherapy.com)

Myth #2: If Desire Dies, You Can’t Rekindle It

Married sex becomes boring and desire fails because couples engage in what Schnarch refers to as “leftovers sex.” Each partner draws the line at the things that they find uncomfortable, and whatever is left comprises the couple’s sexual repertoire.

Regardless of how frequently you have sex, you will go through your list of techniques sooner or later. Boredom plagues sexual relationships within marriage due to “leftovers sex” (Schnarch).

If you’re going to overcome a monotonous sexual routine, you’ll have to try something new that may feel a little uncomfortable (which is what has prevented you from changing things up till now).

“Sexual desire problems are a normal and healthy midpoint in the evolution of a relationship and the people in it…The relationship in which you seek refuge pushes you to develop a more solid self, like pushing toothpaste out of a tube by progressively winding the other end.” (Intimacy & Desire 37)

Reigniting a sexual relationship is undeniably difficult since it requires us to face the situations that have been avoided. This requires each partner to be willing to evaluate themselves and acknowledge ways they’ve contributed to problems in the relationship.

Trying to avoid this painful but necessary process just makes things worse. It’s vital to accept that in order for a relationship to grow, you have to move beyond the status quo. “Every step involves mastering your anxiety rather than having no anxiety at all.” (Intimacy & Desire 175)

Growing in Christ means growing through adversity as well as triumph. Throughout the New Testament, we read that growth in holiness comes through suffering.

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” (James 1:2-4 NIV) Marriage is one area that God uses to help us grow in love, wisdom, and integrity.

Myth #3: Sexual Desire Can’t Be Forced. It’s Either There or it’s Not

Sexual intimacy within marriage is not just a bodily function. Reducing it to a purely physical act is a mistake for at least two reasons:

1. A fixation on sex as merely a physical release steals the mystery and romance from the relationship.

2. It can lead couples to think that they’re incompatible if an exciting sex life doesn’t come naturally.

“Desire is a capacity you can develop. It’s not simply a biological drive. But it’s not as simple as removing sexual hang-ups or increasing your libido. It’s about increasing your capability… Increasing your sexual desire is not just about wanting sex. If that were the case, desire problems would be simpler. Human sexual desire is about desiring your partner, and not just desiring sex, per se.” (Intimacy & Desire 182)

Often, desire problems within marriage indicate unresolved problems elsewhere in the relationship. If a friend or family member does something that hurts or irritates you, you generally feel a sense of dislike or frustration, but those feelings tend to be temporary.

Similarly, marriage problems can block sexual desire, but this doesn’t have to be permanent. It’s important to find out (and communicate) any problems that are preventing you from desiring your spouse.

Although a dysfunctional relationship is one culprit of waning sexual desire, it’s only one of many possible reasons. Sex can feel like just another chore when you’re overwhelmed or exhausted. Schnarch recommends planning for a sexual encounter just as you would plan for a romantic weekend getaway. Plan to de-stress and think about it ahead of time.

Christian Sexual Dysfunction Counseling

If lack of desire has become a problem for you and/or your spouse, don’t hesitate to contact us for an appointment with a professional Christian marriage counselor. In order for a marriage to thrive, the sexual relationship must be healthy. It was, after all, designed by God to help spouses cultivate an intimate bond. A professional Christian marriage counselor can help you and your spouse work through barriers to intimacy.