5 More Questions to Ask Your Cheating Spouse After the Affair

Where do you start the conversation with your unfaithful spouse after the affair? Questions are probably rushing through your brain, but you also wonder if you can handle the answers. And after your spouse has lied to you so many times, can you even trust anything he or she says?

Infidelity expert Dr. Shirley P. Glass has written a series of 10 questions for couples dealing with the aftermath of an affair. In this article, we’ll discuss questions 6-10. In our last article, “Affair Recovery: 5 Questions to Ask After Your Spouse Cheats,” we covered questions 1-5.

6. “Did you discuss a future together?”

Discussing the emotions involved in an affair merits total transparency and honesty on the part of the involved spouse, while the betrayed spouse must work to put his or her assumptions on hold. When an affair has been discovered, it causes a lot of speculation about what happened and the feelings that were involved. Receiving honest answers is the only way for a betrayed spouse to know what actually happened.

The involved spouse should also be careful not to make things sound better than they were, just to protect their spouse’s feelings. This has the potential to cause more pain later.

“If you are the betrayed partner, make a strong effort to hear the story without filtering it through your own subjective lens. Infidelity does occur without falling in love. You must be open to versions that vary from your belief system unless you have valid evidence that you are getting a watered-down rendition.” (212)

If the involved spouse felt that they were “in love” with the affair partner, they need to be honest about that. If they considered leaving their spouse to be with the other person, they should say so. Knowing the truth is better than being left to the painful, imaginary scenarios a betrayed spouse is mulling over.

7. “What attracted you to your affair partner?”

An affair is cut off from “normal” life and therefore from many of the stresses of a sanctioned relationship. This means an unfaithful spouse will often see the affair partner through an unrealistically positive lens.

Discussing the reasons for the initial attraction will be painful, but can help humanize the affair partner for both spouses, and can be eye-opening for the betrayed spouse, who struggles with “glorifying the lover as an incomparable rival and disparaging him or her as a despicable human being.” (213)

This also helps a betrayed spouse place blame on their husband or wife, not just the affair partner. Glass says spouses often choose to blame an affair partner’s seductions for their spouse’s infidelity, because it’s so painful to acknowledge that their spouse was fully complicit.

“Involved partners must recount the ways they encouraged the affair and invested energy to keep it going. It is less likely that an infidelity will happen again when the involved partner owns up to having been a full participant.” (213)

In 10 Questions for Christian Couples After an Affair (Part 1), we referenced the story of David and Bathsheba. David had full responsibility for his adultery. He had someone find out who Bathsheba was, then sent someone to bring her to him. A straying spouse has made the decision for him or herself, in spite of any persuasion that may have been involved.

8. “In what ways did you feel good about yourself during the affair? How did you act differently?”

An affair can be a chance to get away from the predictable routine of life and “start over,” like someone moving away for college. The familiarity of a long-term relationship can make a spouse feel boxed in to his or her expected role and characteristics. An affair tempts you to be a different version of yourself.

“A strong attraction of affairs is the opportunity to try on new roles: the insensitive, detached husband becomes energized by his own empathy and devotion; the sexually uninterested wife is exhilarated by newfound passion and erotic fantasies.” (213)

One’s energy, passion, or personal growth should be invested into marriage instead of an affair; talk together about whether you can both work on making that change.

9. “Were there previous infidelities or opportunities, and how was this time similar or different?”

Healing from an affair requires cutting out all the cancerous cells of adultery. Addressing every aspect of the situation is vital, although excruciating. As a betrayed partner, if you avoid confronting what happened, you’re implying that the infidelity wasn’t a major issue and could be glossed over again in the future.

“This is an opportunity to examine any patterns of infidelity or near misses that may be relevant to how this affair unfolded.” (214)  As we’ve covered, affairs begin for a variety of reasons. Some may be a one-night stand fueled by alcohol, and a spouse is filled with regret even during the encounter. Other affairs begin with a friendship and continue unrepentantly for quite some time. It’s important to know which kind of affair this was. 

“Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!” – Psalm 139:23-24

An adulterous spouse has to acknowledge his or her compromises if there’s any hope of repairing the damage. We see in this psalm that the only way to purge sin is to identify it. A God-glorifying marriage cannot be achieved while clinging to patterns of sin.

If this is not the first affair, “Ask how this infidelity is different from or the same as the others. Were there earlier experiences that were ‘only oral sex’ or ‘sex without love’ or ‘love without sex?’” (214)

10. “Did you have unprotected sex?”

Statistics about the lack of protection used during affairs are alarming. A National AIDS Behavior Study of unfaithful spouses found that 60-64% of them did not use condoms (study cited by Glass).

An unrealistically positive view of the affair partner may have led the involved spouse to believe it was impossible for them to have an STD. The same disregard for consequences that leads a spouse to commit adultery can cause them to be negligent and naive about the risks of unprotected sex.

“Regardless of protestations, both spouses should be tested for AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases. Willingness to submit to the humbling medical exams and tests is an act of consideration and accountability by the involved partner that will remove another obstacle to resuming safe marital sex.” (215)

Christian Counseling for Couples After an Affair

Talking about an affair is very difficult, which is why it’s avoided by many couples. These questions by Glass are a good starting point for discussion, but a professional Christian marriage counselor can frame a safe setting and guide you through constructive conversations using a personalized approach. A Christian counselor can help you discern what led to the affair, assist you in repairing your marriage, and guide you in setting up boundaries to prevent future infidelity.