5 Steps On How To Forgive

Forgiveness is at the core of love and the ethos of the Christian faith. However, forgiveness is a topic that can conjure up feelings of fear, animosity, or confusion.

When coming into a more meaningful relationship with God, one has to take the time to connect with the amazing gift He gave us in Jesus Christ. I believe that God gave us the greatest blessing in offering His Son as a sacrifice for our sins. He knew this would be the ultimate show of love that anyone could ever make.

Before we got to know Him and dedicate our lives to Him, He covered us in grace and forgiveness through His Son’s blood. Yet as people, this concept of forgiveness can be so challenging in our relationships with one another.

What is Forgiveness?

To help explain the concept of forgiveness, Jesus gave a great example. In Matthew 18:32-35, Jesus says, “Then the king called in the man he had forgiven and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me. Shouldn’t you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?’ Then the angry king sent the man to prison to be tortured until he had paid his entire debt. ‘That’s what my heavenly Father will do to you if refuse to forgive your brothers and sisters from your heart.’”

Even modern day psychologists out of the University of California at Berkeley (Greater Good Magazine) define forgiveness as a “conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.”

Years ago, as a young Christian, it seemed so much easier to forgive the hurts from others. But, as I grew older, the wounds I received seemed more challenging to forgive. I will be sharing with you some of the lessons on forgiveness that have helped form my ability to better resolve when a conflict exists in a relationship.

5 Steps for How to Forgive

The following are 5 steps on how to forgive:

#1​: Journal the hurt.

Who is the person that you felt hurt by? Why is this hurt from them more painful than other times? What does this hurt say about them? What does this hurt say about you? If you decide to never forgive them, how will this hurt affect your relationship with them?

#2:​ Make a list of ways that you have hurt God.

Read the following Scriptures as references to help you make time for self-reflection. Start by reading 1 John 1:8-10. Then follow-up with Matthew 25:41-46, Galatians 5:19-21, Ephesians 5:3-10, Colossians 3:5-10, James 3:16, James 4:11, and 1 Corinthians 6:9-10.

#3​: Meditate on how God wants us to repent.

Read 2 Chronicles 7:14 and spend time asking the Lord to show you how He wants you to apply this verse to your own life.

#4​: Reflect on what God says about the importance of forgiving others.

Read Matthew 6:14, Mark 11: 25, Ephesians 4:32, and Colossians 3:13-14, and reflect on the meaning of each of these passages.

#5:​ Aim for God’s standard of love.

God’s standard of love is our ultimate goal as believers. Pray that He would help you to have His response toward others who have hurt you. Read Matthew 5:43-48 and reflect on what you read.

Getting Help with Forgiveness

Even when others disobey God, He still provides for them. Prayerfully, His kindness will lead them to repent. This is a suggestive guide to help your heart work towards forgiving others. My hope is that you will sense a deeper closeness with God’s grade in your life, and that you continue to develop deeper emotional connections to those around you. As you grow in forgiveness during this stage of your spiritual journey, may you become more like Jesus.

If we choose not to forgive because the pain that was caused is too excruciating, we may end up missing out on some blessings. One of these blessings is having a deep or close relationship with someone important to you. It’s difficult to live life in communion with others if there is a type of resentment wall you carry around with you as a fortress of protection.

A good friend of mine, Gloria Baird, discusses this form of protection in what she describes as the turtle syndrome. In her book, God’s Pitcher, she writes, “I began to think about the way God gives the turtle a shell for its protection. But the turtle cannot eat or move unless its head and legs come out of the shell. The shell does keep out the bad, but it could also keep out the good. The turtle must be vulnerable in order to live … we want to be in control, especially in the area of our emotions. When feeling sad, we may try not to cry; when feeling weak, we may try to seem strong; when feeling lonely, we may try not to need anyone; when feeling tempted, we may try to hide it. Too often our deepest emotions are the ones we bury or mask under our ‘shell’.”

Being vulnerable is what makes us human, humble, and relatable. I can be vulnerable because I can be protected by God. When I trust God to be my protector, it’s easier for me to forgive the people around me.

So when we think we can self-protect by not exposing ourselves to future possibilities of emotional hurt, we end up cutting ourselves from opportunities of love and fellowship, too.

Our spirit matures through circumstances when we need to forgive or receive forgiveness. By shifting our outlook on challenging relationships as a chance of growth and maturity, it creates a positive mental re-frame from seeing challenges as a negative.

Another reframe can be saying, “Bumps Bond.” Sometimes the bumps or friction in our relationships can actually bond us closer to them in the long run. It may not feel good in the moment, but by persevering in turning a “bump”into a “bond,” we allow more grace into our life.

When we live in grace, we live in love. When we live in love, we live in God. May forgiveness flow more freely from us to others, so that we can do our best to live at peace with others around us. Amen.

The following is one last caveat in living a life that promotes Christ like forgiveness. Some practices that help people become more like Jesus are: joining a church family, having someone to talk to and mentor you along your spiritual journey, joining a small group or a discipleship group, and getting into counseling to help guide and equip you to forgive.