Got Anger Issues? Take Control Today

What do you think of the statement, “Anger is never the first emotion”? Think about the most recent time in your life when you felt angry. Did you get mad without any other emotion beforehand? If you consider it, you’ll probably agree that sadness, hurt, or some different feeling preceded the anger (whether you use that word or a similar one like irritation, being upset, or hostility).

Christian Counseling sessions reveal the fact that anger is like a bomb waiting to explode. In fact, it’s a bomb that explodes over and over, although usually there are periods of relative calm in between.

Some people try to suppress anger by not dealing with it. If they pretend it’s not there, it’ll go away, right? But that doesn’t happen. Over time, the primary emotions will eventually lead to another explosion of anger.

So when we try to get to the bottom of anger, how can we explain it? What causes it? Why can it be so out of control and have such devastating consequences? It creates a loss of perspective on life, takes away hope, and causes relationships to lose trust or the desire to grow closer.

Even if you think you’ve succeeded in stuffing it down, it’s still there waiting for the opportunity to make itself known again. Anger is a heavy burden of unmet expectations, grief, sadness, and disappointment. It affects our thoughts and actions.

When clients’ come into my office stating they have a problem with anger they have to examine their triggers of everyday life. The client and I discuss their triggers and hurt and identify the root issue. James 1:19-20 states, “Take note of this: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry…”

This state of things doesn’t happen overnight. You don’t just wake up one day with an anger problem. Instead, there is an event or series of events that changes how you think. Maybe you were initially sad and grieving over what happened. Over time, your grief changed to disappointment, then annoyance and confusion, and eventually anger.

Little by little, the bricks of anger are laid to build a wall of hostility that seems insurmountable. Anger can break the very foundation of your life, leaving chaos everywhere. In Ecclesiastes 7:9, we are reminded, “Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools.”

Not only does anger affect you as a person, but it also affects your relationships, even if you don’t mean for it to. And let’s remember that while everyone will experience anger at times, we each have a choice in how we handle it. Allowing it to grow and fester is like letting poison invade our whole lives.

This poison changes who we are and how we operate in life. Bitterness grows, relationships suffer, and people we love are hurt. We might recognize this and try to change, but without adequately dealing with the anger we don’t have the power to stop it. The next time we feel provoked we’ll fall right back into the hostile behavior we desperately want to stop. Healthy relationships feel even more out of reach.

Living in the shadow of anger is like being a puppet controlled by invisible strings. You can’t escape, and life feels exhausting and sad. But there is hope. If you’re breathing today, you still have a life to live. The hurt you’ve experienced doesn’t have to define you, and neither does the anger you struggle with. You can leave the darkness behind and walk into the light.

To find freedom from anger, we have to get to the heart of it. And to ask questions about your anger, you have to be willing to change. Without that willingness, nothing positive can happen.

Change begins when you strongly desire to leave behind the destructive thoughts and seek forgiveness and joy. Some patterns will have to be broken and negative coping mechanisms that will have to be given up. Letting go of these things makes room for all the blessings freedom from anger can bring.

Think back to your past. Depending on how young you were when your anger started, can you remember feeling free of its weight? Do you remember feeling lighthearted and carefree? This can be your future again. Just as your past morphed into your present so that your life became almost unrecognizable, so can your present turn into something more beautiful than you can imagine right now.

But pause for a minute and think about who you are right now at this moment. Compare that with who you used to be before anger changed you. When did that change start to happen? This is a pivotal realization, even if it means you realize you can’t remember a time when you weren’t angry. Once you’ve identified how anger has taken over your life, you are taking your first step toward freedom.

In Proverbs 29:11 we read, “Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end.” When you’re consciously angry, are you dwelling on the blessings in your life? It’s simply impossible; anger and gratitude are mutually exclusive. Being thankful for the good in your life is not a magical panacea for rage; instead, it’s a powerful shift in your thought life that can take away some of the anger’s control over you.

Do you know someone whose life isn’t perfect, but they always seem to be genuinely upbeat? Imagine yourself going through each day like this, conquering obstacles with a hopeful spirit instead of negativity. Angry thoughts develop into patterns as we replay our hurts and fuel the fire within. How can you change your destructive thought cycles into an attitude that will enhance your life instead of destroying it?

Our thoughts are just part of the equation; what comes out of our mouths is also a massive factor in anger issues. The words we speak can either fuel anger or diminish it.

Maybe you’re the kind of person who tends to have a long memory when it comes to the pain you’ve experienced, but you rarely or never confront someone who’s hurt you. This unhealthy habit can lead to silent anger building up, especially if someone continues to hurt you over and over and you are not able to assert yourself. The anger will continue to grow.

A healthier approach is to go to the person who’s hurting you and let them know the effect their actions have had on you. This will be intimidating, and you might feel afraid. But you might also be pleasantly surprised by the reaction you get. Many people are willing to change when they are approached the right way about their behavior.

However, there will always be people who do not want to change, no matter how much their behavior hurts us. If this is the case with a relationship in your life, learning how to set boundaries will help you avoid continued hurt and anger. You can find forgiveness as you release the pain you’ve experienced and take suitable measures to protect yourself.

The serenity prayer is a helpful tool for situations we can’t control: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” Always trying to change someone who doesn’t want to change is an exercise in futility. Focus on yourself instead, because you can improve yourself!

So yes, anger is an emotion, and as such it might not seem too bad, but the truth is it can change your entire life and the quality of your everyday moments. You have so much more to live for than an emotion that will tear you down.

Regina Brett said, “Some days, 24 hours is too much to stay put in, so I take the day hour by hour, moment by moment. I break the task, the challenge, the fear into small, bite-size pieces. I can handle a piece of fear, depression, anger, pain, sadness, loneliness, illness. I actually put my hands up to my face, one next to each eye, like blinders on a horse.”

This quote reminds us that conquering pain, challenges, and negative patterns in our lives can seem overwhelming and cause us to give up before we’ve even begun the journey, but when we take one step, then the next, then the next, we’ll be amazed at the progress we’ve made in small, daily increments.

If you are in a place where you’re tired of being angry, and you’re willing to dig deep to uncover what’s beneath your anger, reach out and talk to someone. Finding healing is possible, but it’s tough to go through the process alone.

Anger is powerful, complex, and lives in the darkness, but it doesn’t have to control your life forever. Your new beginning can start today.