Do you have anger management problems? Are they negatively affecting or even destroying your life? Have you lost respect from others and yourself? Do you feel guilty, ashamed, or on edge much of the time?
Anger is a powerful and destructive force, but it doesn’t have to be a life sentence. While dealing with the root issues of your anger is crucial for change, there are also some very practical strategies you can use in the moment when you’re tempted to explode.
Practical Anger Management Strategies for Adults
1. Time-Outs
One of the scariest things about anger is how quickly it can escalate. You go from 0 to 60 in just a few seconds. Your cortisol levels shoot through the roof, your heart pounds, and rage courses through your veins.
Once you’ve reached this point, there’s no way to think rationally anymore. You can’t rely on your reasoning or logic to talk yourself out of these heightened emotions. So one of the first lines of defense is for you to know when you need a time-out.
Think of the time-out as the first line of defense to stop yourself from behaving in a foolish or destructive way when you’re already angry.
So walk away. Get alone, or separate yourself from the situation. While you are away from it, here are some things you can do to calm down:
Think before you speak
First of all, it’s very important not to talk when you’re in this state of heightened emotions. You can still convey your feelings later, but they’ll be much better received if you’re not saying them angrily. So while you’re taking your time-out, think about what you’re going to say and how you’re going to say it.
How can you respect the other person, even if you’re hurt or disagree with them? How can you preserve the relationship if at all possible? How can you please God in this situation?
Consider writing down the gist of what you want to say.
Identify possible solutions
When you’re in the heat of the moment, it’s hard to think of constructive ways to solve a conflict. You don’t have to be alone in this. Ask God for his perspective.
In the counseling setting, we often provide clients with Emotional Incident Tracking Sheets to use during time-outs. These worksheets help you constructively process your overwhelming emotions by naming them and writing out your thoughts, desires, needs, mistakes, and what you can do going forward.
The worksheets also track the outcome of each incident and the progress that you’ve made.
Take a walk
Sometimes this is not an option, but if it is, consider getting outside and just walking. Taking walks outdoors is connected to a capacity for deep thought, which can help you solve problems. Walking also releases endorphins, which improve your mood, reduce blood pressure, and reduce anxiety. Since anger and anxiety are often connected, walking can be a powerful natural treatment for anger.
Listen to music
Worship music or instrumental music can be very soothing. You can listen to it while you’re walking or just sitting and relaxing. More upbeat music can accompany a walk or run as your blood is pumping and you’re feeling energized.
Take a bath or shower
Bathing is a whole-body sensory experience that can reduce stress and give you time to think.
2. Recognize Early Warning Signs
Since anger can intensify so quickly, it feels like it’s catching you completely off guard sometimes. Pay attention to your own internal signals that are telling you, “I’m about to get really mad.” If you don’t stop yourself before you get to that point and implement one of these strategies, it will be too late.
Again, if you’re often feeling like your anger just sneaks up on you, think back or keep track of how you’re feeling just before each episode.
Each person is unique, and different things precipitate each individual’s anger, but these are some of the most common indicators that anger is building inside:
- Physical indicators can include a clenched jaw, grinding your teeth, clenching your fists, trembling or shaking, perspiring, having a headache or stomach pain, having an increased heart rate, breathing rapidly, having a flushed face, and pacing.
- Mental and emotional indicators might be the impulse to scream or yell, the impulse to hit, throw, or break something, feeling like your mind is suddenly blank, or obsessing about the problem to the point you can’t think about anything else.
3. Do Something Physical
Besides just taking a walk, any kind of exercise can be helpful for anger management. Exercise helps release cortisol, which is the stress hormone that builds up in your body when you’re angry. Be aware that there is a point of diminishing returns, though; if you’re engaged in extremely intense exercise on a frequent basis, this may actually raise your cortisol levels. Sometimes less is more.
4. Use Distraction
Distraction doesn’t solve anything, but it’s a good way to let time go by until you can handle the problem calmly. Letting time go by gives your autonomic nervous system a chance to recover. Choose an activity that is either productive or relaxing, but hopefully constructive.
Sometimes you’ll find that your anger gives you energy, and you can actually use this to get things done. (Ever heard of angry cleaning?) Any kind of constructive distraction can serve its purpose of giving you time to calm down.
Again, distracting yourself isn’t meant to sweep things under the rug, because that will only make it worse. It’s meant to get you out of that temptation to explode at the moment.
Some of us, when we’re angry, tend to obsess about the problem and how we can solve it. The problem is, in the moment of anger (as we’ve already covered), you’re not thinking rationally. So ruminating over the problem while you’re emotional can be counterproductive. For other people, it can help solve the problem. Know yourself, and wait to think about it if that’s better for you.
5. Practice Relaxation Techniques
Relaxation techniques provide a physical method of calming yourself.
Deep breathing
Focusing on your breath helps calm racing thoughts. Breathe in through your nose for a count of five, then exhale through your mouth for a count of seven, and then repeat until you feel relaxed.
Progressive relaxation
Focus on slowly tensing and releasing each region of your body, until you feel fully relaxed, or at least more relaxed than before you did the exercise. You’re focusing on physical sensations rather than what’s bothering you emotionally. Picture the tension flowing out of each area of your body as you relax it.
Yoga or stretching
Both of these practices promote healthy circulation and an overall sense of well-being. You don’t have to engage in the spiritual component of yoga to benefit from it; you can learn to flow through the postures as a way of connecting with your breath and physical sensations. When paired with a workout, it’s hard not to feel a sense of holistic well-being after a good stretching session.
Imagery and thought-stopping
This technique means that before you even get angry, you choose an image or thought to focus on in that moment. It’s going to your “happy place.” When the angry thoughts are bombarding you, you replace them with a pre-selected image or thought.
Maybe you choose a Bible verse to meditate on, or you imagine a scene that you love, like a meadow at sunset or a waterfall or a cozy, candlelit room. Just focus on that image until you feel calm again. The more you do this, the more it will become a conditioned response that can help you escape that moment of anger.
Journaling
Journaling is pen-and-paper therapy. One of the best gifts journaling can give you is perspective. When you have a tendency towards anger, you’re often overreacting to everyday offenses. When you sit down to write out what you’re feeling, your body can calm down, you can see your thoughts on paper, and you can begin to think about how to steer them in a more positive direction.
To make the most of journaling, you need to have a general structure in mind.
Start by venting. Fully acknowledge how you feel and what you’re thinking. Uncover what’s underneath the anger. Are you hurt? Are you scared? Are you feeling betrayed? But don’t get stuck in the venting step.
The next step is turning to God. And that doesn’t mean you have to feel better. It’s focusing on the truth regardless of how you’re feeling. Meditate on his promises to you. Think about his commands in Scripture. Think about Scripture’s teaching on the foolishness and destructive power of anger. And think about the emotions under your anger, and how God’s promises of love and care can address those needs in your life.
Finally, end with gratitude. Think about all the good things in your life. Anger thwarts a perspective of fullness and joy, so restore that. Reminding yourself of everything you’ve been given isn’t just about “thinking positive.” It’s about knowing what can be destroyed by your anger, and how you can cherish those gifts instead.
6. Get to the Root of Your Anger by Taking Inventory
Some anger management techniques, as we’ve just discussed with journaling, do begin to address the emotions underneath your anger. But once you’ve gotten past that moment of danger and you’re able to calm down, it’s really important to spend time fully unpacking your anger and why it gets out of control.
If you’re familiar with any 12-step programs, you might recognize the concept of taking your own inventory. Reflect on your life, consider whether you’ve wronged other people and if you can, make amends with them.
Focusing on others as a first step might be surprising, but often we have a tendency to anger because of a deep sense of shame and discomfort with ourselves. When you stop and focus on your sin before God and your sin against others, and you repent and make restitution where necessary, you’ll experience the freedom of a clear conscience and the potential for healed relationships.
7. Practice Effective Listening
Anger is a trap, and if you struggle with it chronically you often hear from others what you want to hear, which reinforces your anger. Improving your listening skills can help you avoid this trap.
- Practice empathy. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Imagine being in their situation. How would you feel?
- Listen for information you might normally filter out. Are there positive statements or solutions offered that you might just gloss over? So much of our quality of life is based on how we think about things. If you can listen to everything the other person is saying, sometimes it can help you reframe the situation in your head and avoid an angry overreaction.
- Fully absorb their perspective. So often we just assume we know what someone else is thinking. Are you sure you really understand their perspective? Make sure you get where they’re coming from, even if you don’t agree with it.
8. Look for Humor in the Situation
If you actually look at a person who’s angry, they don’t seem very attractive. They can even look ugly, or at the very least, absurd, no matter how attractive they might be when they’re not angry.
Stop and listen to yourself and think about what your face looks like at the moment of your anger. Is this who you want to be? Can you see the ridiculous nature of your response?
This technique isn’t meant to cause self-loathing, but to prompt you to laugh at yourself and think, “Maybe anger isn’t the best way to handle this situation after all!”
9. Practice Being Assertive
Maybe you’re someone who isn’t naturally aggressive; in most situations, you’ll be passive and stuff down your feelings. You are too shy or afraid to ask for what you want, so you feel a sense of persistent frustration, which can lead to anger.
Instead of passively waiting for fulfillment or for your needs to be met, work on clear, respectful communication. Avoid making selfish demands. Instead, voice your needs and make respectful requests.
If you don’t want to say yes to something, don’t say it. Maintain appropriate boundaries, even if you’ve struggled to set them in the past. Today is a new day. Boundaries will help you avoid the enmeshment and frustration that can lead to anger problems.
10. Practice Self-care
Even if you’re someone who can communicate your needs to others, you might struggle to take the best care of yourself. Make sure that you are spending time with the Lord, nurturing your relationships, eating healthy, exercising, participating in your hobbies, getting good sleep, and making time for rest and relaxation.
11. Live Congruently
The sad thing about sin is that it seems fulfilling in the moment, but it leads to inner turmoil, especially when you have a tender conscience as a believer in Christ. Walking with the Lord as his child means you need to align your beliefs with your behavior in the power of his Holy Spirit. When you’re living in line with your values, peace will follow.
12. Seek God’s Help
Trying to overcome anger can be overwhelming, especially when it’s become a deep-rooted pattern. The tools offered in this article are not quick fixes. Solving an anger problem requires commitment and diligence, but ultimately it requires spiritual healing from God himself. Ask him to deliver you from temptation. Stay in his Word and allow it to change you from the inside out.
Our lives in a fallen world will never be perfect. We will always have the temptation to get angry at something. Sometimes, we might have righteous anger towards evil in this world. No matter what, we are called not to sin in our anger. If you are feeling overwhelmed by your anger, don’t hesitate to seek help from a Christian counselor.
