Bible Verses About Forgiving Others: What Forgiveness is Not

Have you ever heard it said that it’s often the people that you love most that can hurt you more than anyone else? Relationships can be tricky in general precisely because there is always the risk of getting hurt, and the people we let into our closest confidences can do the most damage, which can make forgiving them hard. In this article, we’ll look at some Bible verses about forgiving others to learn what God has to say about forgiveness.

Relationships are risky, but it’s a risk worth taking because we are such deeply social creatures, and we thrive in healthy relationships. The benefits are just too bountiful to pass up!

C.S Lewis wrote about what happens if we choose to not take the plunge and become vulnerable to others when he said this:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

To bridge the gap between vulnerability and being hurt by those we open ourselves up to, God equips us with the ability to forgive each other. But it’s important to understand what Biblical forgiveness is and isn’t.

Otherwise, you might allow yourself to get abused, or you may place a burden on yourself and others that you shouldn’t. Forgiving others in God’s way is truly liberating, and it’s a practice that you grow in the more you do it.

Some unhelpful ideas about biblical forgiveness

It’s always helpful to clear the ground and ensure that any mistaken understandings are identified. Biblical forgiveness has been misunderstood variously, such as people thinking that because you’re a Christian that means you should become a doormat and allow people to take advantage of you or abuse you. This is a misunderstanding and misuse of Scripture. Other similar unhelpful ideas about Biblical forgiveness include the following:

Forgiveness means placing yourself in danger.

You may be in an abusive relationship, for example. Being forgiving does not mean you stay put in an abusive relationship and remain in harm’s way.

Forgiveness means you must trust them again.

This is another unhelpful and untrue idea because it places you at unnecessary risk, and it doesn’t acknowledge that there are consequences for breaking trust, or that no one is entitled to your trust; it must be earned.

There are always consequences for actions, and forgiving someone doesn’t mean the natural consequences of their actions don’t follow. You can forgive someone for robbing you even as they get arrested, and you change the locks to your house.

Forgiveness means you stop feeling and thinking negative things about the person.

Forgiveness is more of a decision than it is about your feelings. Your feelings may take a while to catch up to the decision you make to forgive the other person.

Sometimes people assume they haven’t forgiven someone because they still feel a certain way about them, but forgiveness is an act of will, and not about changing your feelings toward someone. The feelings may follow, but they aren’t the deciding factor.

Forgiveness is the same thing as reconciliation.

Reconciliation is when two people who were in a relationship come together to work on and restore the relationship after something fractures or breaks it. Reconciliation takes two people working together to fix the relationship.

Forgiveness is about you letting go of your desire for vengeance, or the desire to pay them back for what they did to you. It’s about your own heart, and about releasing the debt they owe you. Forgiveness can pave the way for reconciliation, but it isn’t the same thing.

Forgiveness can happen, but they have to apologize first.

The other person doesn’t have to make the first move for you to forgive them. This means that you can forgive an unrepentant person and even a person who’s died who can’t say ‘sorry’ to you. Forgiveness is about you letting go; the other person saying ‘sorry’ can help you let go, but it isn’t a prerequisite.

Bible verses about forgiving others

Having set the misconceptions about forgiveness aside, we can look at some Bible verses about forgiving others to learn what the Scriptures say about how forgiveness works. One crucial aspect to keep in mind is that the first and greatest act of forgiveness is what God has done for us in Jesus Christ. God forgives sinners, and from that forgiveness, we can forgive others.

We are simply doing for others what God has already done for us. If you pay attention to the verses that follow, you’ll see that our forgiveness of others follows our forgiveness, and it is patterned after God’s abundant forgiveness of our sins.

And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors… For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. – Matthew 6:12, 14-15 NIV

These verses are part of the prayer that Jesus gave His disciples as a model of how they should pray. As they pray for daily bread, for God’s will to be done, Jesus’ disciples also pray the words in the first sentence. They ask God to forgive them as they’ve forgiven others. There is a relationship of reciprocity here which is explored more fully in a later chapter in Matthew 18:21-35.

In that passage, Jesus tells the parable of an unmerciful servant. He owes his master an unfathomable sum but is forgiven when he asks for mercy. As that servant leaves his master’s presence, he encounters a fellow servant who owes him a small sum. Instead of showing mercy, he imprisons him. The other servants are outraged and tell their master what happened. We then read these verses:

“Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.” – Matthew 18:32-35, NIV

Jesus’ point is clear – since we have been forgiven a huge debt, one we could never repay, why would we not forgive others who owe us a debt that’s insignificant compared to our own? If we truly understand God’s forgiveness, there’s no reason we should not forgive others. And if we refuse to forgive others, then doesn’t that show that we haven’t truly experienced and understood the freedom that comes from God’s forgiveness?

The last verses from Matthew 18 need a last comment. What does it mean to forgive someone “from your heart”? In our 21st-century American understanding, our hearts are either the organ in our thoracic cavity that pumps blood or symbolizes the center of our emotions.

For the people in Jesus’ day and who read the Old Testament, your heart was the center of your being, which encompassed your will, thoughts, and emotions. Forgiving someone from your heart is thus not primarily an emotional decision, but an act of will.

This makes all the difference in the world between struggling to forgive someone and refusing to forgive them. You can decide to forgive someone but find that your emotions aren’t on the same page and that makes the decision harder – this is forgiving someone from the heart but struggling as you do so.

This is different from deciding against forgiving them, and choosing to hold their actions against them – when you do this, you haven’t forgiven them from your heart, and Jesus says this is a problem.

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. – Ephesians 4:32, NIV

This verse echoes what Jesus said in Matthew, reminding us that God’s people are to forgive each other, and this forgiveness is based on, flows from, and imitates God’s forgiveness. We pour out toward others what we have been given. That’s the pattern of God’s Kingdom – we are blessed so that we can be a blessing to others (Genesis 12:1-3; Psalm 67:1-2; 1 Peter 2:9-10).

Support to help you with forgiving others

Forgiving someone else is not easy. When we make ourselves vulnerable and get hurt, our instinct is to have them feel the pain we experienced. It’s hard to relinquish the debt they owe us, and yet if we are to follow the way of Jesus, the way of loving those who hate us, praying for those who persecute us, and blessing this who curse us, we are called to forgive them as we have been forgiven.

This doesn’t mean we won’t struggle with forgiving others, and it also doesn’t mean any of the other things mentioned above. But it does mean releasing them from their debt and leaving it all in God’s hands to deal with.

If you need someone with whom to unpack any feelings of unforgiveness or to explore biblical forgiveness, don’t hesitate to reach out and speak with a Christian counselor at Culver City Christian Counseling.

As trained individuals who understand complex relationship dynamics, the Christian counselors in Culver City, California are valuable guides as you wade into the muddy waters of forgiveness in everyday life in your relationships.

They can help you understand your situation, set, and maintain meaningful boundaries, and challenge any unhealthy ideas about forgiveness that you may have. Contact Culver City Christian Counseling today to talk to someone who can help you walk into the freedom of forgiveness.