Frequently Asked Questions about Discernment Counseling

What Is Discernment Counseling?

Discernment counseling is a unique short-term form of therapy (one to five sessions) for couples who have opposite views regarding whether they want to stay together, and who are looking for guidance to help them decide. It was developed in 2008 by Dr. William Doherty, a psychiatrist, and professor of Family Social Science at the University of Minnesota, as a result of his attempts to understand the dynamics of couples who were in the process of getting divorced.

Doherty found that even when these couples had already filed for divorce, many were still uncertain about it, one partner wanting out of the relationship and the other not. He referred to them as mixed-agenda couples, and his focus was on helping them consider their options and reach common ground.

Unlike other forms of therapy that focus on fixing the marriage, discernment counseling helps mixed-agenda couples decide whether or not they want to fix it.

What Is a Discernment Counselor?

A discernment counselor is a mental health professional with special training in discernment counseling, who serves as a neutral mediator in guiding couples through the process of evaluating the state of their marriage, determining whether it is salvageable, and making an informed decision to either go ahead with the divorce or stay married and work on repairing the relationship.

Is Discernment Counseling Just for Married Couples?

No. Couples do not have to be married to go for discernment counseling. They can be unmarried committed partners, or engaged couples who aren’t sure whether or not they want to get married.

What Is a Mixed-Agenda Couple?

A mixed-agenda couple is a couple where one partner is leaning into the relationship and the other partner is either ambivalent or leaning out of it. The leaning-in partner wants to stay in the marriage and find solutions to make it work, whereas the leaning-out partner has decided they want a divorce.

What is the Goal of Discernment Counseling?

The main goal of discernment counseling is to help a couple avoid future regrets by developing clarity and perspective before going through with a divorce.

The discernment counselor helps both partners identify and understand what went wrong with their marriage, how each of them contributed to its failure, what their options are going forward, and use this information to come to a joint decision as to whether divorce is the best option, or whether they want to wait and commit to participating in six months of couples therapy first.

What is the Difference Between Couples Counseling and Discernment Counseling?

One of the main differences between couples counseling and discernment counseling is the initial buy-in. In couples counseling both partners are willing participants who want to solve their marital problems and stay in their marriage, whereas, in discernment counseling, at least one of the two wants out. The couple is not looking to improve their relationship, but rather to decide on what to do next.

Other major differences lie in the time commitment and focus.

Couples counseling is a longer-term, open-ended commitment to attend regular weekly sessions with a trained mental health practitioner who will help them learn how to recognize and address their challenges, improve communication, build trust and intimacy, heal wounds, and become equipped to handle conflict in a healthy way.

Discernment counseling, on the other hand, is a short-term decision-making process for couples who feel unsure about the future of their relationship. The role of the counselor is to help them evaluate the relationship to see whether any of the issues are solvable and assess whether they are both motivated and committed enough to attend couples therapy and work on fixing them. If they are not, the counselor will help them explore their options and gain a clear understanding of the potential outcomes, so they are on the same page and able to make an informed decision about how to move forward so that both of them feel at peace.

What Does Discernment Counseling Involve?

Discernment counseling is a short-term process that can be as brief as one session or as long as five. It does not address relationship problems, but rather, whether the relationship is salvageable.

The couple starts by committing to one session and then decides at the end of it whether they want to return for another one (up to a maximum of five) or be done with the process at that point.

Before the first session, the counselor may do a separate phone intake with each partner to assess the situation from their individual points of view and get a sense of each one’s wants and needs, and whether he or she is leaning in or leaning out.

Sessions involve individual one-on-one time with the discernment counselor, followed by a short period at the end of the session where both partners come together as a couple.

The counselor honors the position of each partner, helps them weigh in on the pros and cons of their decisions, and gain clarity on how they want to proceed, but does not take sides, tell them what to do, or push for any particular outcome.

Couples are given three possible paths to consider. They can decide to go ahead with the divorce, they can opt for more time and decide not to make any changes for the moment, or they can choose to commit to couples therapy for six months to try and save the relationship.

If the couple decides on divorce, the counselor discusses strategies for a respectful and amicable split that considers the welfare of both partners.

What are the Benefits of Discernment Counseling?

One of the most important benefits of discernment counseling is providing a safe, unbiased forum for both partners to say what needs to be said and feel heard and acknowledged. Partners who have opposing feelings about whether to lean into the relationship or lean out can gain understanding and respect for each other’s perspectives of the condition of the marriage and their view on divorce, as well as see how they each contributed to the problems leading to the breakdown of their union. Regardless of the final decision, this step can provide valuable insights into behavior patterns that need to be addressed so they don’t continue to be repeated in future relationships.

Studies have shown that for couples who decide to get a divorce, discernment counseling is the most beneficial form of intervention for determining what the next steps of the relationship should be. It enables them to reach a shared, confident decision about the future of their relationship and provides a sense of acceptance and resolution that enables cooperation during the divorce process and helps the couple remain friendly and trusting of one another post-divorce. If there are children involved, it also enhances their ability to develop a cooperative, supportive post-divorce co-parenting relationship as well.

Research findings from the University of Minnesota’s On The Brink Project indicate that an overwhelming majority of couples who go for discernment counseling feel calmer, clearer, and more in control of their decision regarding the outcome of their relationship, regardless of which path they choose.

Is Discernment Counseling Ever Not a Viable Option?

Discernment counseling is not a viable option if one partner has already made a final decision to proceed with the divorce, if one partner is trying to pressure the other to go, or if there is a history of domestic violence or serious mental health issues.

What is the Difference Between Secular and Christian Discernment Counseling?

The difference between secular and Christian discernment counseling is that Christian discernment counseling adds the spiritual dimension of Biblical principles and prayer. Although both use similar techniques, faith-based counselors believe the Bible has the answer to all of life’s problems, and that the discernment process is most successful when couples call on God to help them make the best decision for them and their marriage.

If you have other questions that this article on discernment counseling did not answer or would like to set up an appointment to meet with a faith-based discernment counselor at our location, please give us a call.