Advice from a Family Counselor: Tips for Setting Limits

When a child is finding it difficult to adequately express negative emotions, they may lash out in anger with words or even with violent actions. Without the tools to adequately process and explain their feelings, parents may find themselves on the receiving end of outbursts of frustration and anger.

This can be exhausting for the parent, especially if they are making completely reasonable requests of their child, but continue to be met with indignation and belligerence.

As parents, it is always a good idea to reassess the type of communication you are engaging in with your children. You may feel as if you are always abundantly clear with them, but a closer look might reveal some much-needed improvements. One of the areas parents often need help is in setting limits for their child.

Tips for Parents from a Family Counselor

Unconditional positive regard is one of the most crucial elements of parent-child communication. This type of interaction involves trying to see your child’s positive and negative behavior or experiences without casting any judgment upon them. This means the child can feel safe and comfortable in sharing their experiences without fear of judgment.

It is vital that parents seek to develop a good relationship with their child, where there is mutual understanding and where they are free to learn and grow in their own time. This means you don’t have to try to make them learn some sort of lesson or understand what they did wrong and this will aid overall development.

This type of approach will also allow the child to feel a greater sense support and freedom to overcome difficult situations. Empathizing with your child is of the utmost importance as it ensures they know that they are being listened to and valued by their parent.

Limit-Setting 101 for Parents

We are going to look at some guidelines for the popular model of placing limits on the behavior of your child. The model is based on the teaching of Garry Landreth, who addresses limit-setting in child-centered play therapy context.

Landreth details what he calls the ACT model of limit setting and involves three key parts:

• Acknowledge the feelings of your child
• Communicate any limits
• Target positive alternatives.

Step one: Acknowledge the feelings of your child

This makes use of reflective language. When doing this, you are repeating back to your child what you expect might be going through their head at that given moment. It is important to try to tune in to your child’s feelings by studying the expressions on their face, how they are carrying themselves, and of course, listening carefully to what they are saying.

When you demonstrate that you have heard and understood how they feel, they will feel valued and respected. Through this technique, you have managed to show the connection between their feelings and their behavior which is a crucial step.

Example: “You appear to be angry with me right now – so angry with me that you might even want to hit me.”

Step two: Communicate any limits

Limits represent boundaries that your child is not allowed to step across with their behavior. Of course, this isn’t saying that they are not allowed to get upset about things, but it is laying down a marker to make it clear that they are not allowed to engage in a hurtful, destructive, or disrespectful behavior when they feel their emotions building up.

Step Three: Target positive alternatives

When you are communicating that certain types of behavior are not permitted, you must also explain what is permitted. The desire to get angry and lose control is understandable, but it must be expressed in a responsible and safe manner that will not hurt others.

“So, you can opt to hit your pillow, a bean bag, or a punching bag, but never a person!”

Setting limits goes further than simply granting your child a series of choices, though that does come into it. More importantly, making it clear that it is your child’s responsibility to make their own choice with regards to their behavior is extremely beneficial to both parties.

Such a technique also teaches your child the crucial distinction between uncontrolled impulse and deliberate behavior. It enables them to learn how to gain self-control.

For the parent, the setting of limits also removes the burden of control and dependency. One of the biggest pressures for parents is feeling as if you have to completely control your child’s behavior at all times.

This is a myth. Instead, you must encourage them to take responsibility for their own behavior while ensuring that there are limits and boundaries to be adhered to.

By making use of this particular model, you are effectively teaching them that you believe that they have the potential to understand, learn, and change their behavior as long as they are carefully taught the expectations and you follow through with appropriate boundaries and consequences.

This model has an additional Step 4, involving the laying out and enforcing of consequences. When a child has chosen to hit you, despite your having acknowledged their feelings and clearly communicating the limit and boundaries, then you can communicate consequences as follows:

“When you chose to hit me, you chose to forfeit the next three days’ TV time.”

Of course, this may feel a little awkward and scripted at first, but it is an important part of setting expectations and ensuring that your child knows that they are personally responsible for their behavior.

This model can be highly effective, as long as it is followed in a balanced and careful way. Setting out clear expectations for your child’s behavior and detailing fair consequences for when their actions become unacceptable is an essential element of responsible and wise parenting, and will encourage your child to reach their full potential.