Christian Dating: The Why, How, and Who Matters

There are some topics that you can’t delve into without some controversy. This is often due to the variety of opinions, vested interests, and interpretations on the subject, thus making such topics hard to consider. One such topic is Christian dating. For some people, even placing those two words in the same sentence is problematic. For others, the questions surrounding how one goes about it and the ethics of dating are where the controversies begin to heat up.

Even the mere suggestion that the Bible is the place to begin when thinking about Christian dating will elicit some questions. Some people might think the Bible has no bearing on the things that impact our 21^st-century dating lives. Therefore, as we continue discussing more on Christian dating, we will start by addressing this question to find common ground.

For full disclosure, it’s important to state that this article assumes that the Bible is a source of wisdom that believers must take seriously in all of our life phases. As with any other literature, understanding the meaning and intention behind things is important. Thus, reading passages in context and according to their genre matters. So, poetry should be read as poetry and historical accounts as history.

From there, we must do the demanding work of understanding what these things mean for us here and now. Keeping in mind that there are different ways to do these readings, consider this information as a beginning, and not the end, of a conversation.

Why date?

Depending on who you ask, dating can be anything from having coffee with someone to get to know them, to serial hook-ups or one-night stands with no intention of making any commitment to one another.

So, when you say the words “Christian dating,” for some people it’s completely innocuous and one of the more practical ways to get to know people, while for others it is a contradiction in terms because it implies fornication (or serial sexual encounters). Therefore, it’s important to define these terms.

For the purposes of this article, we will use the term “dating,” in the former and not the latter; it is taking opportunities to get to know people a little better in different contexts. There is only so much you can know about someone from seeing them across the room once a week. Being intentional to get to know them better goes a long way, allowing you to find out more about a person of interest, and what they are like in day-to-day situations or in different settings.

In most of the United States nowadays, people marry for love. Unlike arranged marriages of the past, you can get to know the person you potentially want to marry and choose them out of the many options available. At this point, you may say that we are far from how loving relationships worked in the Bible, where arranged marriages were the norm.

Today, dating is an option our generation now gets to make and has to get to know potential spouses, begin the process of sifting that leads up to engagement, and hopefully leads to marriage. If marriage and family life matter, our dating practices need to be structured and followed carefully to avoid self-sabotage.

If, as Christians, we believe marriage is God’s idea, then it makes sense to seek wisdom about what the biblical idea of marriage is, to shape our thinking about dating, and to structure important steps needed as stated in the Bible while dating.

Many people are drawn into relationships primarily by physical attractiveness and sexual chemistry – however, these denominators will change with time. For other people, compatibility is what they consider important in selecting an intimate partner.

They often prioritize whether the other person takes them as they are, and doesn’t want to change them. But this is problematic,   as believers are aware of how imperfect we are as humans and that God’s will is to sanctify us to become more like Christ.

God often uses marriage and other interpersonal relationships to refine us. Proverbs 27:17 proclaims: “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” This Proverb also applies to friendships as much as it does in marriage.

In other words, if you understand that the mission of marriage is for God to work in and through you and your spouse for the sake of the world; then part of that work is that God will change us (often through our interactions with our spouse) to make us the kind of people He created us to be, not who we are. Dating, especially when you mature, needs to be about figuring out the best person with whom to go into your life journey and who will bring you closer to God.

Christian Dating: The How

Biblical wisdom and ministry included in the book The Mystery of Marriage, written by Tim and Kathy Keller, provide a few pointers for those who are dating, and it’s helpful to think through some of the wisdom they share.

Dating is a spectrum.

There is a difference between dating as a teenager and later when you’re pursuing marriage. When you’re younger, you’re primarily looking for someone to attend things with, and it doesn’t entail assessing whether a person is suitable for marriage. As people get older and mature, their thinking about relationships shifts as they begin to  look for something more meaningful, a bigger commitment, family life, and God’s will for them.

Carrying a teenage mindset into your later years can complicate dating; because the priorities and assumptions you and the others bring into dating. As Tim and Kathy put it, “here is some advice…act your age. teenagers shouldn’t try to arouse desires that can only be responsibly fulfilled in marriage.

However, if you’re single and in your thirties…recognize that if you insist on trying to continue the entertainment category of dating with others your age, you will be often playing with people’s emotions.”

Don’t get emotionally hitched to a non-Christian.

The assumption in the Bible is that Christians must only marry other Christians, as Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 7 and 2 Corinthians 6. The reasons for this are many, but at their heart is that for a believer, Jesus is central to their life and shapes who they are as a person. A person outside of this doesn’t understand what grounds and motivates your life and all you do.

This can complicate a relationship because your way of thinking and the reasoning that underpins it is completely foreign to the other person. What often happens is that people sometimes move Christ from a place of centrality to accommodate their partner, or they hide parts of themselves to avoid conflict. Either way, you may lose who you are or feel isolated from your partner.

Attraction to someone should be comprehensive.

Having sexual chemistry and being physically attracted to someone is great, but it takes more than that to sustain a relationship. Attraction is a principal factor in choosing to get married, and that attraction can grow deeper over time if your starting point goes beyond the merely physical.

When you are attracted to a person’s character or virtues, thus moved by the same things that make you ache with longing for God’s Kingdom, this can be a great foundation for a comprehensive attraction that will deepen over time.

Slow down and don’t let passion overtake you.

Use wisdom, knowing that we can short-circuit the demanding work of discerning whether someone will make a good life partner if our emotions or sexual chemistry take the lead. It makes a huge difference to slow down and be cautious about our decision-making process.

Sex is important for believers; after all, God invented it, wants us to become one in the act, and to enjoy it as much as we enjoy the many other blessings with which He has blessed us. Modern dating practices and our hook-up culture create room to get sexual very quickly, and when that happens it’s difficult to make a realistic assessment of who one is and who that person is.

The powerful, but surface-deep, emotions that we can get swept up in during dating may easily get confused for real love; however, they aren’t a “commitment strong enough to move us to glad, non-begrudging, sacrificial service of another person even during the inevitable seasons when the emotions are dry or cold…

One crucial way for you to avoid the blindness and mood swings of becoming too passionate too quickly is to refuse to have sex before you are married…sexual activity triggers deep passions in you for the other person before you have gotten a good look at him or her. Put friendship development before romantic development.” Or as the refrain in Song of Solomon goes, “Do not awaken love before its time.”

This critical step helps tremendously during the decision-making process. However, may people may ask what to do if you have already engaged in sexual activity. I say to you, talk to God and confide your situation, and hear the Holy Spirit for further guidance. It is never too late to ask for forgiveness and redeem your dating life.

Don’t be a faux spouse.

In some situations, one of the people in the relationship may be reluctant to commit to marriage. If you linger and the relationship drags on for years without any movement toward deeper commitment, it may be that one person is getting all they want and don’t feel the need to take things further.

When people get the benefits of marriage without the cost of commitment, they make the other person a faux spouse who gives them all they want without a concomitant level of commitment.

Get input.

Professional help is available in various communities. Seek support from families or friends that have experienced something similar and made changes in their actions to engage in Christian dating. Seek spiritual guidance within your church or community.

Whichever community you are in that knows you and has a deep investment in you as well as happy and healthy marriages can play a role in giving you input for your journey when you’re dating and seeking marriage.

Marriage is too important, and our perspectives are easily skewed, which is why input from others in your various communities is valuable. Contact a Christian counselor in your community to walk you through a healthy and spiritual dating life. Take time to learn and prepare yourself to discover the special someone that our Lord has created to help you through good times and hardships. In Him We Trust!