Christian Marriage Advice for People Pleasers

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear,” – Ambrose Redmoon

Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you. – Deuteronomy 31:6

You feel agitated and nervous as you think carefully through the proper response you should make to every person that presents their request to you. You have your own deadlines to meet and needs to attend to. But getting other people upset, disappointed, or angry with you would be the last thing on earth that you want to do.

Christian Marriage Advice for People Pleasers

For people-pleasers, nothing could be more terrifying than confronting a person who is upset or angry – especially if they may have had a hand in upsetting them.

They would prefer to be personally inconvenienced rather than deal with either rejection or confrontation. Milan and Kay Yerkovich’s book entitled “How We Love” aims to help individuals who grew up with pleaser imprints overcome their anxiety and change their core beliefs about themselves and others.

“I Hate When People are Mad at Me”

As we go through every stage of life, we learn and acquire certain behaviors that are often dictated by our innate need for acceptance and survival. These behaviors are referred to as imprints. During childhood, we become very dependent on our parents who are our primary caregivers. Our emotional responses to different situations are largely affected by how our parents tended to our emotional needs when we were young.

Pleaser imprints are generated from childhood beliefs that most things are a cause of fear and anxiety. Overprotective or hypercritical parents might reinforce their children’s emotional dependence on them by constantly shielding them from anything that might trigger fear or by always coming to their rescue whenever difficult situations arise, preventing them from processing anxiety and fear on their own.

Children who grew up with hypercritical parents use people-pleasing behaviors as a coping mechanism to avoid their parent’s anger or criticism. According to the Yerkovichs, these children take in an image of being “good boys” and “good girls” to avoid anxiety or abuse. Because they are so preoccupied with tending to the feelings of other people, they take for granted the need to process and deal with their own feelings and emotions. (71-73)

Moreover, pleaser imprints can also stem from constant feelings of anxiety caused by an undiagnosed learning disability. Their inability to keep up with other kids in school makes them an object of ridicule.

This has a significant effect on the emotional health of a child to the extent that a simple activity such as being called up for recitations and board-work can be very frightening for them. Most people-pleasing kids are also afraid to ask questions in class for fear of being laughed at or of being seen as not good or knowledgeable enough.

“Being away from the house can be stressful for these kids. That’s because they are unable to monitor the moods and atmosphere of the home environment when they are gone. Then returning home requires an assessment of the prevailing mood so these young pleasers can adjust their behavior accordingly.” (75) As they carry over these pleaser imprints into adulthood, they tend to act the same towards their spouse without them realizing it. They are constantly testing the waters, trying to assess their spouse’s mood every now and then.

“I’m Not Worried; I’m Just Stressed”

Pleasers are likely to have their subconscious imprint’s emotional “fight-or-flight” response always on cue. They may be overwhelmed by their unconscious anxious thoughts resurfacing into awareness that are oftentimes mistaken as stress. Because they are so concerned about other people’s feelings, they usually absorb other people’s tension and try to deal with their own inner turmoil by trying to appease others.

This behavior of avoiding “emotionally fearful” situations can be traced back to their lack of ability to deal with intimidating or unfamiliar situations during childhood, a result of having overprotective parents. In fact, their parents’ behavior might even have been the source of their incessant fear during childhood causing these adults to be sensitive to other people’s anger.

They usually respond by either avoiding or escaping the situation or by trying to appease the other person. On the surface, pleasers may make gestures that may appear to be big-hearted and selfless. However, they usually do this in order to get a feel for their partner’s emotional status.

For example, a pleaser wife may make a ritual of sitting down after dinner every night with a cup of coffee for her husband.

From the outside, it looks like she wants to do something loving for her husband, and maybe she does. However, this action must also be her way to gauge his feelings towards her; though most of the time, she might not be aware of this hidden motive.

If her husband refuses to drink the coffee, feelings of rejection may arise and as a result, she will find ways to figure out the reason why her husband was mad. Although the reality is that the husband just might not be in the mood for coffee, the problem lies with the pleaser’s own interpretation of the response based on her own paradigms. Since pleasers are so unprepared to handle rejection, they become overly sensitive to even the smallest refusals. (83)

Another significant characteristic of pleaser adults is being a “yes man.” They always make it a habit to say yes to other people’s request even at their own expense. For them, “no” is a dreaded word that causes disappointments and disputes. Pleasers are good at projecting their own feeling onto other people and they sometimes predict others’ responses to the refusal as they would if they were in the other person’s place.

Moreover, they try their best to avoid confrontation and situations that would likely cause other people to feel angry or disappointed. Consequently, pleasers are unable to set boundaries for themselves and end up doing things that they don’t really like doing or taking on more than they can handle. This causes them to have a sense of resentment toward other people; a feeling that they usually find hard to express.

Oftentimes, pleasers are overwhelmed with everything they need to do (for others) that results in them being anxious, insecure, and unable to make decisions and solve problems on their own. This often stems from their great fear of being rejected or disappointing others. Since they were used to having their overprotective or hypercritical parents decide for them all the time, they carry this learned helplessness into adulthood which makes them codependent towards their spouse. They usually leave the decision-making entirely to their spouse to avoid taking responsibility for any emotional consequences.

What the Bible Says About Man-pleasing

Scripture exhorts Christians against fearfulness. 2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV) states “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” It is clear that fear is not from the Lord, for it hinders us from exercising our God-given power. Likewise, it limits our ability to love others genuinely. Lastly, it brings a negative effect on our thinking.

Fear is at the root of every man-pleasing behavior and it often starts in our own minds. That’s why it is said that the mind is the battlefield.

Every battle we are facing, whether physically, mentally, or emotionally is a spiritual battle (read Ephesians 6:12). Therefore, in order to win this battle, we have to fight the battle by constantly renewing our mindset (read Romans 12:2).

In life, it is inevitable for us to face challenges, experience failures, and sometimes doubt our choices. We find it easier to just escape the situation rather than to take responsibility for our actions. However, the Scriptures encourage us to fear not, for God has already equipped us with power, love, and a sound mind to be able to accomplish His purposes in our lives.

Psychologists believe that our past largely determines our present behaviors. It is true to some extent. But the Good News is that we have the ability to free ourselves from the shadows of the past. For we are not defined by behaviors we’ve acquired through our parent’s child-rearing methods and negative or hurtful life experiences.

Jesus has already set us free from all our iniquities when he paid the penalty for our sin on the cross. Therefore, we need not fear. For Jesus’ perfect love casts out all our fears. It is courage that comes with faith in Jesus Christ that enabled the well-known characters of the Bible – Esther, Paul, Ruth, David, Joseph, and many others to step out in faith and pursue their God-given destiny despite all the terrifying situations they faced in life.

Our true identity is in God and not in people. When we become aware of this truth, we free ourselves from the expectations of other people knowing that we only ought to please an audience of One – The Lord.

Christian Counseling for People Pleasers

“There is nothing that we can do on the outside that is going to heal us on the inside.”

People-pleasing is a serious spiritual issue that becomes a trap for many people including Christians. The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy (read John 10:10). And for many generations, he has come to convince people that we are victims of our past and that we should think and act based on our imprints. The truth is, we always have a choice. We have every right to be free from any bondage that hinders us from experiencing life to its fullest.

Since every battle is a spiritual battle, then victory can only be achieved by attacking the problem in a biblical perspective. Christian counselors aim to help individuals and couples discover their true identity in Jesus Christ. Through this discovery, counselors journey with the clients in changing core beliefs and behaviors into ones that are aligned with God’s good, pleasing, and perfect will.

If you need help in getting started with the journey of breaking through the trap of people-pleasing, there are counselors who can offer Christian marriage advice to help you and your spouse run this race victoriously.