How Christian Marriage Counseling Can Help You Bond With Your Spouse

References “Intimate Allies” by Dan B. Allender and Tremper Longman III

“And Adam said, ‘This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.’” Genesis 2:23-24, KJV

A husband and wife are two separate people, brought together by God to form one sacred entity. But this union can be marred by baggage from the past, complicated relationships with parents, or a refusal to open up emotionally.

Christian Marriage Counseling for Leaving, Weaving, and Cleaving

The health of a marriage depends on both spouses setting aside other pursuits in favor of joining together in unity. The authors of Intimate Allies describe this vital process as “leaving, weaving, and cleaving.”

1. Leaving

If you grew up in a loving household, separating from your parents can be difficult. You might still depend on them for friendship and a sense of security and belonging. On your first day of kindergarten, and then again when you were dropped off at college or left to study abroad, you probably felt lost and lonely without them. But you’ve learned to thrive on your own, and now that you’re married it’s even more important to maintain a healthy level of independence.

Of course, this doesn’t mean cutting your parents off after your wedding day, “but it does mean starting a whole new relationship in which the core loyalty is not to parents’ priorities, traditions, or influence, but to an entirely new family that must set its own course, form, and purpose” (218).

What will you do when your marriage runs into a snag early on? You may be tempted to look to your parents for advice or just to enjoy the comfort of knowing they’re on your side. But when you do this, your commitment to nurturing your marriage is weakened.

One mom admonished her daughter not to come running home after her first argument with her husband. This may seem unloving on the surface, but in reality the mother was wise enough to want the best for her daughter—the capacity to work through her own marriage problems. The mother also wanted to avoid taking sides against her son-in-law based on what she heard about him in the heat of the moment.

Leaving your parents doesn’t mean you’re not loyal to them anymore, but it does mean both spouses should work on “being aware how the past might have shaped us” (218). It’s important to understand your personality and use that knowledge to avoid marriage problems.

For example, how do you tend to handle conflict? Are you mindful of your spouse’s needs? Do you have trauma in your past that may negatively impact your marriage now or in the future? If you were abused at any time, seeing a professional Christian counselor can help you work through feelings of fear or shame to help you thrive in your marriage.

2. Weaving

A relationship is like a living scrapbook. It’s a collection of memories, arguments, adventures, and inside jokes, adding up to a close bond. Shared experiences knit two people together.

“Weaving–the intercourse of heart and word– involves the making of stories in order to make love. Making stories is far more than sharing common experience; it is much more than being together in a moment. Making stories is being transformed by the moment together.” (220)

At one wedding, the officiant told a story about a bonding experience from the couple’s past. Both partners were in the Navy. They were hiking off-base together, miles from any help, when the woman hurt her ankle. So they sang and prayed together while the man helped her limp home.

When a marriage hits a literal or figurative bump in the road, it’s an opportunity to see what the relationship is made of. Will adversity weave you together as a couple, or will it rip you apart?

Withholding parts of yourself from your spouse will prevent the two of you from growing in intimacy. Think about how you would feel if your spouse kept secrets from you. “Weaving requires speech, exposure, vulnerability, and honesty. It requires the wrestling of souls before spouses can experience the harmony of bodies.” (221-222)

3. Cleaving

“Sexual intimacy is the culmination of the leaving and weaving process. Therefore, it is the pinnacle of intimacy that assumes true leaving and cleaving.” (223)

Becoming one flesh physically requires that you have already left other loyalties and been woven together by shared experiences. Prioritizing other relationships and refusing to develop emotional intimacy will prevent you from experiencing godly unity in your marriage.

When sexual problems are present in a marriage, spouses tend to blame the issues on low libido or incompatibility, but most sexual dysfunction is a symptom of problems elsewhere in the relationship.

“An angry or distant couple can have sex, but it is not one-flesh intimacy. They physical act happens, and a type of physical satisfaction may be experienced, but the spouses do not experience the same type of glory that is experienced when sexual intercourse is the result of a solid marriage based on leaving and weaving.” (223-224)

How Christian Marriage Counseling Can Help You Grow Closer

Do you sense relational, emotional, or physical distance in your marriage? Have you distanced yourself from your spouse, or are you hurting because they’ve distanced themselves from you?

Please don’t try to handle this on your own; seek the services of a professional Christian counselor. Distance must be actively overcome with Scripture-based principles, which a counselor can bring to light along with therapeutic techniques. Ignoring marriage problems will only lead to further distance between you.