Common Teenage Problems and How to Help

According to Kessler, et al. (2005), about twenty percent of all adolescents in the U.S. face a diagnosable mental health condition. The Center for Disease Control (CDC) (2017) found suicide to be the third leading cause of death for young people between the ages of 15 to 19.

It is also estimated that just over 3 million teens in the U.S. from the ages of 12-17 experience a serious depressive episode. (National Institute of Mental Health, 2017). In light of these alarming statistics, let’s consider the lives of three (fictional) teens.

Jake is the quarterback of the football team, an honor student, and very popular among his classmates. He is seen as a leader by his church staff and teachers, a person who they count on to be an encouragement to others and fulfill his responsibilities. But Jake lives a double life.

Many see him as capable and self-confident, but he also wrestles with serious self-doubt and anxiety. Because of the pressure placed on him by his community, he feels he needs to be perfect to be liked, and, as a result, has built an identity centered around success. His fixation on success does not allow him space to understand or express his strong emotions.

Since he can’t express his emotions in a healthy way, he finds himself secretly acting out in anger, punching himself or other objects. People see him as at peace, but at night he lies awake with unending thoughts. He wants freedom but doesn’t know what to do.

Kelly regularly is late to school or will skip it completely. Her life is plagued with stomach aches and headaches. Her parents are frustrated with her behavior and think she is making excuses by not “feeling” well. Her grades have slipped, so people assume she is irresponsible and lazy but her bright and bubbly personality discounts depression, right?

Kelly’s teachers and parents think she needs to be more disciplined and change her priorities. But, just like Jake, her community doesn’t see what she’s really going through. What people don’t see is her constant anxiety and sadness.

While her emotions are less noticeable when she is with her friends, they are always playing in the background. Kelly dreads going to school because the social pressure feels to great to handle. Her shame about how she feels keeps her trapped, unable to open up to others about what she is truly feeling.

Lauren is fifteen and known for her abrasive personality and involvement in conflict. She regularly talks back to her teacher in class or skips all together. What people don’t know is that beneath the hard exterior is a little girl, filled with intense feelings of inadequacy, depression, and fear.

Instead of withdrawing, Laurn chooses to cope by fighting back. It’s how she has learned to keep herself safe. She really wants to open up and share what she’s feeling, but refuses to accept help from the very people trying to support her. She wants to be loved, but can’t accept it.

There is a common theme running through each of these examples. That theme is a difference between how they are perceived versus their inner reality. Since their struggle isn’t obvious and they may not understand what is going on inside themselves, it is easy to overlook a teenager in significant distress. It’s actually relatively common for “normal teenage problems” to be a signal that something bigger is going on.

Common Teenage Problems that May Be Overlooked

What might appears as normal teenage angst, can actually be signal of deeper emotional pain. Here is a list of several areas to watch in your teen. This is by no means an exhaustive list and just because a teenager shows an emotion that is on this list doesn’t mean they have a diagnosable condition.

1.Moodiness

Teenagers are often labeled “moody.” But, it’s not normal for teenagers to experience prolonged irritability. In reality, Moodiness tends to be a signal that something else is going on, something like depression or anxiety. Irritability is actually included as a criterion for depression in children and teens (American Psychiatric Association, 2013).

It’s also really important to accurately observe a teenagers behavior. Just because teen appears excited or happy around their friends, does not mean they aren’t experiencing depression. High levels of anxiety or stress can also show up as irritability, which is why it’s critical to not ignore a teen who’s irritable or angry. Something is likely going on below the surface.

2.Laziness

Laziness is usually associated with lower grades, missing assignments, more time spent sleeping, or lessened engagement in activities. But, it’s pivotal to remember that a large part of depression is apathy or a lack of motivation.

In my experience, teenagers often see a drop in grades because of depression. However, dealing with depression usually naturally results in better grades. Anxiety also can affect grades because someone dealing with anxiety easily becomes overwhelmed, preventing them from completing work.

Another disorder associated with being “lazy” is attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder. This disorder often manifests as inattention and often results in not turning in homework. Luckily, all of the conditions listed can be treated.

3.Attitude Problems

Similar to “moodiness,” just thinking they have an attitude is probably not the whole story. As already discussed, irritability is often related to depression. An attitude could als be indicative of unexpressed anger repressed deep inside.

There are multiple reasons why a younger person may experience prolonged seasons of disrespect and anger. What’s important is to find the source of this behavior, not just deal with the symptoms.

4.Obsessive Technology Use

The topic of teens and technology is really beyond the scope of this article. There are just to many reasons why a teenager is obsessively using their phone. One explanation relevant to this discussion is the possibility that teens are using their technology to deal with their emotions. Lacking healthier coping skills, technology because one outlet to escape their emotion.

For example, some teens have a lot of anxiety before going to bed. Rather the process the source of the anxiety, they choose to numb the thoughts scrolling Instagram or watching Netflix until until they fall asleep. This is not a healthy way of processing emotion and overtime.

5.Drama

Drama and teenagers are almost seen as synonymous. It’s assumed that teens will experience relational problems and often ignored. However, not all teenage drama is normal. If your teenager is experiencing frequent relational troubles, you may want to ask some more questions and find out what is going on.

It’s possible that your teenager may not be navigating relationships well or is being bullied. Or some other condition, such as depression, could be producing irritabiltiy and thereby hurting their relationships.

6.Frequent Physical Complaints

Sometimes emotional struggles manifest physically. It’s not uncommon for people experiencing serious anxiety or stress to get headaches and stomach aches. Depression also often carries physiological manifestations.

Other Signs to Notice

Other signs that your teen might be having are things like:

• Separating out
• A drop in grades
• Dramatic shifts in emotions or behavior
• Extreme weight fluctuation
• Secrecy
• A sudden change in friend groups
• Alterations in personal hygiene
• Dishonesty
• Conflicts at school

The bottom line is to look for significant changes in emotion and/or behavior.

How to Help Your Teen

1. First, educate yourself and your teen about physical and emotional health. Daniel Siegel’s Brainstorm (2013) is designed to teach teenagers and parents about brain development.

2. Open a dialogue. Ask your teen questions. If you think something might be going on, then you need to be able to talk to them about it.

3. Create a safe environment where they can share their emotions. Sometimes this is as simple as listening before you react. Also, try not to shame them. Shame will only lead to silence. Let them know you hear what they’re saying, even though sometimes you might not make sense.

This is where Daniel Siegel’s “connect and redirect” and “name it to tame it” (Siegel, 2013) comes into play. Logic only heightens someone’s emotional state when they are already in emotional distress. So first, empathize and connect. When they are able to calm down, then you can be to talk logically with them.

4. Help your teen to develop healthy ways of managing their emotion. There are a lot of books on this subject. One book I recommend is Don’t Let Your Emotions Run Your Life for Teens: Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills for Helping You Manage Mood Swings, Control Angry Outbursts, and Get Along With Others (2011).

5. Be an example to your teenagers of setting and maintaining healthy boundaries when it comes to use of time, relationships, and social media.

6. Mindfulness exercises can help an individual learn how to gain control over his or her thoughts and to focus on the moment.

7. Make sure that you set realistic expectations of your teenager. Also, make sure that you have set clear expectations.

When and Where to Seek Help for Teenage Problems

If you know a teenager who seems to be struggling, they can get help. It’s not uncommon for emotions to feel overwhelming at times, but if the distress is lasting, then there might be a real problem. If there are ever signs of suicidal thinking, violence, or self-harm, then it is critical to pursue professional help.

The first step in seeking professional help is an evaluation. It will begin with an initial evaluation with a counselor where they will assess your teenager and point you both toward appropriate treatment. For example, a counselor works with them on how to cope with and express extreme emotions or educate them on how to set and hold healthy boundaries in relationships.

Many treatments are available. If you think something is up, then talk to your teen and take the first steps toward healing. We are here to help individuals and families to navigate through the difficulties of life as they move toward health and freedom.