Does Marriage Counseling Work? Yes and No

For many struggling couples, marriage counseling is often considered the last recourse. Despite suggestions by loved ones to see a specialist, spouses hesitate to schedule an appointment due to the stigma surrounding counseling as well as doubts as to whether it can really help.

Many couples believe it is shameful to have to go to a marriage counselor for help. For them, the family should take care of its own concerns. In addition, many doubt whether an outsider can actually assist them in their issues, believing that counseling is a waste of time and resources.

Such thinking, however, is not correct. If help is sought early on, much can be done to repair what once was there.

Does Marriage Counseling Work?

Here are five pros and five cons of marriage counseling — why it works and why it doesn’t.

Positive Points for Marriage Counseling

1. There is a Mediator

Many couples need the help of a referee to help them thresh out their issues. Without one, spouses often end up yelling at one another or ignoring each other as a communication barrier has been erected due to many months or years of conflict or indifference.

In counseling, the counselor ensures that both sides are heard and that spouses speak to one another in a generally respectful manner, calling timeouts when things have escalated, and redirecting the discussion if spouses have gone astray in their arguments. Without this professional mediator to keep things fair and safe, many couples are not able to express what they are feeling deep inside, preventing reconciliation.

2. There are “New” Ideas Shared

In many marriages, couples spend years dealing with bad habits and wrong ways of thinking. Because of this, every time they try to hash out their problems, they find that their spouse’s responses or ways of thinking are always the same, becoming a never-ending cycle of disappointment.

A counselor, however, can shed new light on their problem, allowing the couple to see their issues from a newer perspective.

Sometimes this is all that is needed for couples to resolve their problems as they may have never considered the newer approach. It is also possible that the idea was brought up before, yet ignored. But coming from a neutral party, this not-so-new idea may seem more reasonable.

3. Needed Encouragement is Given

Because of all the arguments, insults, and frustrations, many couples become disenchanted with what they have together. In their hearts, they fully believe that they made a mistake marrying their partner. Thus, even if they choose NOT to separate (perhaps for the kids or for other reasons), their married life is still a shell of what it should be.

In counseling, encouragement is given. The couple is encouraged to look deep within and rekindle what was once there. They are both encouraged to believe and trust that they were placed together for a reason; and that a beautiful marriage can be achieved if they focus on the positives while working out the negatives.

4. It Creates a Stronger Bond

When people work together, a stronger bond is formed. In the sporting world, this happens many times as teammates grow closer because of their struggles together – win or lose. In the battlefield, soldiers often develop a “war buddy bond” as there is a desire for the safety of their brothers-in-arms. The same thing also occurs in counseling.

With the help of the counselor, the spouses-at-odds are asked to become a team once more. They then struggle through the various sessions trying to find ways to mend their relationship and overcome individual issues. In the end, the whole counseling experience gives them a similar feeling of fighting together for a common cause which ultimately strengthens their partnership. It also helps develop a better appreciation for one another.

5. It Can Save More than Just the Couple

A failed marriage affects everyone connected to the couple’s life. Children usually feel the brunt when parents separate, causing many kids to develop mental and emotional issues. In-laws too are hit hard as they believe they should have done more to help mend the marriage. Friendships may fail as friends take sides. And the church community is affected as another family unit is broken.

But if counseling is able to help mend the hurts, then all of these relationships are kept intact. Moreover, the couple’s struggles and recovery may serve as an inspiration to other spouses having relationship difficulties. Spouses should realize that there is much more at stake than just themselves.

Negative Points Against Marriage Counseling

While many encouraging things can be said for counseling, some couples have found that it did NOT work for them. Here are some concerns to consider prior to marriage counseling.

1. It Will Not Work if Both Spouses are Not Committed

In marriage and in counseling it takes two to tango. If both are hesitant or if only one is willing to truly give it a try, then nothing will come out of the sessions. It then becomes a waste of time and effort. Prior to counseling, both spouses need to be committed to trying.

2. It Might Already be Too Late to Try

Unfortunately, many couples wait until the last minute before they come to counseling. By then, however, it may already be too late. Most probably their respect for one another has already been lost with bitter insults replacing sweet endearments. In some situations, there may already be someone else waiting in the wings, hardening their heart towards their spouse.

For counseling to work, both must be willing to rediscover what was good and beautiful in their relationship. If not, then it is really too late.

3. It Cannot Work if the Spouses Will NOT Change

The need for change is why couples seek out marriage counseling. If a spouse, for example, has a bad habit (e.g. drinking, drug abuse, gambling, lying) that is damaging the relationship, then that must be resolved for healing to start. If a spouse has been having an affair, then that obviously must be stopped. If a spouse chooses not to discuss family problems with the other, then open communication must begin.

But if the spouses are not willing to change, then the marriage becomes irreconcilable. Choosing not to change is essentially saying, “I am more important than Us.”

4. There Might be Other Issues that Should be Prioritized

In marriages, a spouse may have other internal issues that are affecting their marriage. This may include trauma prior to marriage (e.g. abuse, accident victim, the death of a loved one) or prior mental issues (e.g. bipolar disorder, eating disorders). Some people are also anxious about counseling per se while others may be pathologically averse to accepting advice (they always think they are right!).

Thus, even if both spouses claim they want to reconcile, the unresolved internal issue may just be getting in the way, negating any positive gains from counseling. If such issues exist, it is best to have that dealt with prior to marriage counseling.

5. The Counselor is Not always the Right One

Sadly, as in all professional fields, sometimes the counselor him or herself is the problem. Depending upon who they are, it may truly occur that bad advice is given rather than good. In other situations, it seems that the counselor is more concerned about the money and not the well-being of the couple. Other forms of unprofessionalism (e.g. tardiness, rudeness, impatience) may also rear their ugly heads making the experience uncomfortable and futile.

In the same way that professional assistance is sought out in the fields of medicine, car repair, house construction and the like, it pays to research first which counselor to choose for marriage counseling.

Despite the possible negatives, marriage counseling truly is a helpful tool to stop the hurts before the marriage bond is broken. Spouses who are struggling in their marriage ought to seek help sooner than later to save this sacred relationship before things are too late.

But prior to counseling, they ought to take note of the negative points against counseling and ensure that their hearts and minds are ready so that their money, time, and effort are not wasted.

If you or are a friend are struggling in your marriage life, seek a Christian counselor soon. That may be all that you need to rekindle your love and make your partnership stronger than before.