Four Different Communication Styles: Which One Describes You?

Even if you’ve never heard of the four main communication styles, you’ll probably recognize them instantly when they’re described.

They are:

• Aggressive
• Passive
• Passive-aggressive
• Assertive

A person isn’t defined entirely by one style, but when they face conflict, they tend to return to their baseline, which is one of these four types. Each situation is different, of course, but they will probably be able to recognize their strongest tendency out of the four.

The good news is that once you’ve figured out which style you tend to gravitate to, you’re already on your way to greater self-awareness and improvement of any weaknesses in your communication.

What’s Your Communication Style?

Here’s a rundown of each style. Which one rings most true for you?

Aggressive

So, what does an aggressive communication style look like? Someone aggressive comes from a self-absorbed perspective, where they are overly intent on their own emotions and desired outcome.

While we are all selfish as humans, a person who communicates aggressively does not tend to empathize or work towards a compromise; instead, he or she tends to disregard other people’s perspectives.

In practice, you might notice this playing out in several ways:

• Overly honest, to the point of hurting others’ feelings
• Using words like “always” or “never”
• Labeling someone’s character rather than working towards a solution

When someone communicates aggressively, other people don’t tend to receive it well; instead, they get defensive, which naturally escalates the issue into an argument instead of constructive conflict.

Here are some other indicators of an aggressive communication style:

• Hostility in speech, tone, and/or body language
• Anger
• Inflexibility, unwillingness to compromise
• Lack of respect for others in the conversation
• Unwillingness to acknowledge different opinions

Depending on the context, aggressive people sometimes “win” in the short run, but when this behavior becomes a long-term, characteristic approach to handling conflict, it wreaks havoc in their relationships with others.

Passive

So, what does the passive style look like? People who are passive in conflict may tend to blame themselves and over-apologize. They may give in to keep the peace, put other people’s thoughts and feelings above their own, and even deny their own thoughts and feelings, a form of emotional dishonesty.

For example, instead of confronting their roommate about not doing their share of the chores, a person with a passive communication style may not bring it up at all, or may dishonestly say, “It doesn’t bother me, I know you’re busy.”

Even if they’re inwardly upset about an issue, this person will tend not to bring it up. They might also say they’re not bothered by something that genuinely does upset them. Their needs end up not being met, and they lose the chance to voice their emotions and opinions. Even though they’ve successfully avoided a confrontation, they might be angry inside and never show it.

Passive-Aggressive

What about the combination of the first two styles? Generally, passive-aggressiveness, which is recognizable to most people, starts off being passive and then becomes subtly aggressive over time, as the person seeks to express their feelings or needs in a non-direct way.

For example, instead of directly asking someone to help with their workload, a person might aggressively comment on how much they have to do, expecting the other person to understand they want help. Or they might leave chores undone and angrily wait till the other person does them.

This can come across to other people as manipulation, creating tension, unease, and frustration.

Assertive

Finally, let’s discuss assertive communication. This type is a healthy approach to conflict and conversation. It is direct and respectful of each individual’s feelings and needs.

Empathy is one of the most important traits associated with assertiveness. In assertive communication, you’re not just seeking to be understood; you want to understand the other person as well. You’re not focused on winning; you can let that go and accept a compromise or an agreement to disagree, as long as there’s a mutually respectful resolution.

Even if you’re standing up to someone who is clearly in the wrong, you can do this assertively and not aggressively.

Part of assertive communication is being able to recognize the need to cool down and having wisdom about the appropriate time and place to communicate.

Assertiveness doesn’t mean addressing every issue in the moment. Sometimes it’s important to take a cooling-down period, and it’s always important to recognize the context of the conversation and whether it’s a good time to talk.

If an assertive communicator is feeling overwhelmed with their workload, they might ask for help in a way that acknowledges both their own feelings and the other person’s situation and needs. Assertiveness also carries into nonverbal communication, avoiding a sarcastic or unpleasant tone, eyes rolling, or other unkind gestures.

Active Listening

Now that we’ve discussed the different types of communication, let’s talk about one of the most essential components in healthy communication: active listening.

When someone is talking to you, especially a close friend or loved one, do you give them your complete attention? Do you focus on what they’re attempting to convey, showing them that you’re fully engaged in the conversation?

Active listening is critical but easy to overlook. Why? Well, when you actively listen to another person, they can let their guard down. They feel that you’re not against them, even though you might disagree about an issue. They feel validated and more positive about the relationship. Your respect for them encourages them to respect you.

Although you will not receive a similarly healthy response in every conversation, active listening can give you, the speaker, a sense of calm and dignity, even if the other person does not respond in kind.

How to Practice Active Listening

Active listening is a discipline. It doesn’t come naturally. While the other person is talking, notice when your mind wanders, and gently redirect your thoughts back to the other person’s words.

Active listening involves emotional intelligence, being attuned to the subtleties in the other person’s demeanor, their tone of voice, and body language.

And perhaps the most challenging part of active listening is that you’re not mentally rehearsing your own response while the other person is still talking. Instead, you continually bring your attention back to the conversation. If you need to, pause to consider your reply once they finish what they’re saying.

Letting the Speaker Know You’re Listening

In addition to being mentally engaged in the conversation, it is important to convey this to the speaker. You can do this in a variety of ways. For example, you can use your words by using encouraging phrases such as “interesting,” “tell me more,” “mmm-hmm,” or other context-appropriate language that lets the speaker know you are listening.

While you’re actively listening, there are several ways to convey to the speaker that you’re engaged with them, whether by using short, encouraging phrases, eye contact, nodding, and not checking your phone or the clock.

Offering Reflective Statements

Although the speaker’s meaning might seem straightforward, one of the most validating things you can do is repeat back to them your understanding of their meaning. This reflection isn’t meant to be an opinion or evaluation of their words; instead, it’s a simple observation of what you heard from them.

Let’s say your friend describes how hurt they are that another friend has been canceling plans with them over and over. Your instinct might be to jump in with advice, or maybe a possible explanation for the canceled plans. But, this probably isn’t the most helpful response.

How could you reflect your friend’s words in this situation? You could respond, “That sounds really frustrating that you keep getting canceled on over and over.” Often, the speaker will then correct your understanding if it’s wrong, or elaborate on their feelings.

So maybe your friend would answer, “I wasn’t really frustrated or angry. I just felt hurt and insecure. I’m wondering if my friend even values our friendship at all.” This is how conversations can open up to understanding and support through the use of reflective statements.

Asking Open-Ended Questions

So how do you move a conversation forward after reflecting what you’ve heard? You can ask questions, but it’s better to avoid closed-ended questions like, “Do you even want to keep this friendship going when you’re constantly getting rejected?”

Even though you might feel that you’re acknowledging your friend’s pain by asking this question, it’s ultimately unhelpful because it narrows their possible answers and might miss their point entirely.

Open-ended questions, on the other hand, are compelling. They explore possibilities instead of offering limited options and advice. You might ask, “What would you like to change most in your friendship?” or, “What do you think are some possible reasons this friend is canceling plans?” These questions communicate interest and invite the speaker to clarify or talk more about the issue at hand.

Validating

And lastly, let’s discuss the importance of validating the other person’s perspective. Validating them doesn’t mean that you agree with them. But, usually there’s something you can find to validate, and contrary to instinct, the less you agree with someone, or the more heated the conflict, the more critical it is to find a place of common ground.

Validation is closely linked to respect and understanding. It absolutely requires empathy. There’s no way to hone in on a valid statement in an argument without being able to put yourself in the other person’s shoes, if only for a moment. It’s important to realize that you don’t have to validate any of their opinions, but you can usually find a way to validate how they feel.

Let’s imagine you have a coworker who starts talking to you about your boss being unfair. You disagree entirely; you think your boss is more than fair! So how do you navigate this conversation?

You don’t have to validate your coworker’s opinion, but you can validate their feelings by saying something like, “It sounds like you’ve been feeling overwhelmed and frustrated at work lately. I’m really sorry to hear that.”

Final Thoughts on Communication

This post only scratches the surface of what we can learn about communication. There are lots of skills involved, and strategies you can use depending on the context.

If you’re wondering how you can improve your communication style, pay attention to how others communicate with you.

Take special note of your emotions and what leads to your feeling a certain way. You’re talking with a friend, and you feel understood. What did they say that made you feel like they understood you?

On the flip side, if you left a conversation feeling unheard and frustrated, what type of communication contributed to that feeling?

As you notice the people who validate your feelings, you can learn from them about how to make others feel heard. When you see what people do to disrespect or dismiss you, you can learn from those behaviors and avoid them.

Gaining awareness of your own communication style as well as the methods of the people around you can help you grow as a person and recognize which of your relationships are healthy and unhealthy.

If you need support in your communication and relationships, please reach out to a Christian counselor today. We are here to support and encourage you on your journey towards healthy communication.