How to Find the Best Marriage Counselor for You

For many who are still single, marriage may seem to be the happily-ever-after that they are missing out on in life. This is why many rush headlong into marriage in the hope that their life will become better once they have found a partner to share in the struggles of life.

But for those who are already married, many will say that marriage is NOT easy, that it requires a lot of hard work and sacrifice, and that it is NOT always better. Even if a couple has been together for years prior to tying the knot, it is no guarantee that married life will be happy.

It is when they are living under the same roof that spouses finally realize just how disorganized, forgetful, irresponsible, lazy, or uniquely different their partner is. And when the children come, the more that these issues may be amplified, adding to the pressure and frustration of married life.

Though marriage demands that spouses work through their problems, unfortunately, many couples today choose not to do so; or they just give a half-hearted effort. This either results in separation or a very mediocre marriage where spouses just go through the motions for the sake of the children.

Marriage CAN Be Saved

Thankfully, marriage really can be saved if both spouses are willing to work for it.

Recognize the Need for Help

The first step is for both spouses to acknowledge that they need outside support. Sometimes, despite efforts by each partner, the differences between them may seem too wide or there might have already been too many harsh words or actions that prevent them from resolving the issues on their own.

However, if the partners are willing to give counseling a shot, then that is already a big step towards reconciliation. Marriage counseling, no matter how good the counselor, requires the full participation of each spouse. They must be willing to fully disclose their concerns and participate in the activities given. If not, then their attempt at therapy will just be a waste of time and money.

Again, counseling is not just meant for those with a rocky marriage. If both believe that more can be done to improve their relationship, then marriage counseling can also inject new life into their relationship so that their marriage thrives, not just survives.

Understand That it is Normal to Have Differences

Another thing each spouse needs to recognize is that it is normal to have differences. As they wait for counseling, or even during the counseling process, some spouses start to rethink their choice of partner. In their mind, had they chosen the “right” person, then married life would not be so hard. Such bitter thoughts begin to gnaw away at their mind, making it harder to reconcile.

Yet differences are a natural part of life. And it is these differences that can allow a marriage to flourish as each spouse brings something different to the table in terms of attitude, energy, knowledge, and talent. In fact, one reason why they became a couple in the first place was probably that they were able to complement one another – so such wrong thinking should be erased right away.

Finding the Right Marriage Counselor

Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers, they succeed. – Proverbs 15:22

In counseling, spouses will get to share their issues with an impartial counselor who will patiently listen, referee as needed, and then present unbiased advice. In such a safe environment, chances are higher that each spouse will finally be able to disclose what is really bothering them. And when the advice comes from a neutral party, it may just be possible that each spouse will finally listen.

The spouses will also be given activities to do that are designed to know one another more and bring them closer together. These are important steps toward reconciliation. But though the spouses may be committed to the process, one more key ingredient is necessary: they must also have the right counselor.

Know What You Need

Similar to other fields where a close working relationship is necessary, if the counselor’s style does not fit the clients, then it will be difficult to make things work as there will be a lack of trust and enthusiasm. Sometimes people just rub each other the wrong way. Some counselors may be too rigid or too boring, or they may even be too energetic or too jolly for the couple they are counseling. So it is necessary for spouses to do their research first.

But prior to searching for a counselor, the couple needs to figure out, individually and together, what it is that they need. They must consider their goals and values as a couple, their issues within the marriage, and even their individual concerns (e.g. personal dreams, fears). Aside from clarifying their issues and goals, working together on these needs may already kick-start the process of healing.

Once that is done, the couple ought to figure out which counselor to get. Most counseling websites post the licenses and specializations of each counselor, along with a summary of their experience. Some even share online their spiritual beliefs and other methods they may bring into the sessions.

Knowing all of these can make it easier for couples to find the right person. A lot of counselors also offer a free phone or face-to-face consultation where potential clients can already share what they need and inquire more about the counselor’s background and experience. It helps to have questions prepared so that the free consultation does not go to waste.

Recommendations from People You Know

In a lot of businesses, word of mouth marketing is a very strong form of advertising. When people hear recommendations from friends, colleagues, or loved ones, it probably means that the services are quite good. The same is true in marriage counseling.

While there is still no guarantee that things will work out well, as it still depends upon the effort of the couple and the counselor-client fit, it is still reassuring to know that someone you personally know has already satisfactorily tried and tested the counselor’s services. This even allows the couple to inquire about what happens in the sessions, giving them a heads up about the counselor prior to the free consultation.

Thus, even if it may seem a bit embarrassing to inquire – as it may seem impolite to intrude in others’ affairs or one may be ashamed to share their current situation; it is still best to personally ask around first. Doing so will save much time and effort.

Trust Your Gut Instinct

Although personal research and word of mouth are very helpful, the final decision ought to come after meeting with the counselor – either over the phone or in person. After sharing the needs and asking the necessary questions, the couple should consider how they feel about the counselor.

Did it seem like the counselor was sincerely interested in the situation? Or did the counselor seem distracted or disturbed? Were the questions satisfactorily answered? Or did it feel like something was being held back? Was the counselor confident in their skills? Or did they seem a bit too inexperienced?

“Gut instinct” is also one of God’s gifts to help people. It can help detect if something is right or something is amiss, even if the words heard say otherwise. So it pays to trust how one feels. Moreover, if either partner feels uncomfortable with the counselor, then the process becomes more difficult as full disclosure and participation will be absent. Both spouses should feel good about their counselor before committing to the sessions.

Consider Christian Marriage Counseling

Though secular marriage counseling is available, whenever possible, it is best to obtain the help of a Christian marriage counselor. In Christian marriage counseling, the latest counseling techniques will also be applied to get the spouses to open up and work towards a resolution to all of their marriage concerns.

But most importantly, the faith-based counselor will seek to strengthen the couple’s relationship with God through prayer and meditation on Scripture. Oftentimes, couples who have suffered long in their marriage have also lost hope spiritually.

They both need spiritual renewal for their own sakes and for their partnership. Furthermore, questions about faith or Christian married life will be answered, giving the couple a clearer view of what is expected in their marriage.

As the author of marriage, God must really be at the center of every married union. Spouses need to be reminded that when they said “I do” – whether in front of a pastor, priest, judge, or another government official – they were making a commitment to God first, then their spouse. Without God’s help, the couple will really have difficulty trying to commit for a lifetime.

If you are undergoing marriage problems or if your marriage is not what you expected it to be, seek Christian marriage counseling soon. With God’s guidance and wisdom, you may finally experience the joy of married life that God wants you to have.