How to Gain Trust in a Relationship When It’s Been Broken

Trust is such a key ingredient to having a strong, healthy relationship. Trust is to a relationship what apples are to an apple pie. Take the apples out and you no longer have the same dessert. Take trust out of a relationship and you’re looking at a totally different dynamic.

To the degree that there is trust between two people, there’s a greater sense of safety in the relationship. For instance, we can let our guard down more easily. Or we can relax in knowing that a “yes” means “yes” and a “no” means “no.” And we can rest comfortably in the knowledge that we’re no less esteemed in the other person’s eyes should we make a mistake.

Perhaps the number one way, however, that we feel safe when there’s trust in a relationship is our deep-down-knowing that we can count on the other person to be there for us. All of that, however, can get mucked up when trust is betrayed.

When one of the people in a relationship has been irresponsible with the other person’s feelings or been dishonest in some way, it’s only normal that the betrayed person’s trust is negatively impacted. There may be some pulling away, hurt, difficulty believing the other person, and anger.

If you are struggling right now in response to having severed someone’s trust in you, this article will attempt to provide you with some concrete ways for how to gain trust in a relationship.

Steps for How to Gain Trust in a Relationship

One of the major ways you can gradually show yourself trustworthy is to be a person of follow-through. If you say that you are going to do something, actually follow through and do it. In addition, do it when you said you would. If you said you will call at 5 p.m. to check in, then call at 5 p.m. (not 6 p.m.).

If you said you would attend the book signing at Barnes & Noble, don’t flake out at the last minute because you’d rather watch a sporting event on television. And if you said you were too tired to have that serious discussion after work but promised you would have it the next day – follow through with having it the next day just as you promised.

It’s in the repeated follow-through of our words that we show others we are trustworthy. Inconsistency breeds mistrust whereas consistency builds trust. There’s something to the old adage: Actions speak louder than words.

A second method is to practice an extra measure of patience with the person you are trying to gain trust with. If you’ve been dishonest, then that person may need more reassurance for a period of time. In other words, they might ask more questions in order to ascertain the truth. They may need more details until their trust builds back up.

Your part is to practice not getting defensive; rather, practice patience by keeping in mind that trust has been betrayed, and until it’s built back up, extra reassurance is part of the healing process. The ultimate goal is to reinstitute safety again in the relationship – safety in the sense of knowing that emotions will be treated with sensitivity and respect. Having information can contribute to reassurance and a sense of safety.

A third way you can work on building back trust is to commit to working on whatever root issue was responsible for the behavior that broke your bond of trust. Show your friend that you are serious about gaining back their trust in the fact that you are going to work on the underlying issue that prompted your behavior in the first place.

Saying that you are sorry is good, but those words alone can’t prove your intent to not have it happen again. Putting some solid action behind the words can go a long way in professing that you’re serious. An example of this follows.

Let’s say Misha broke the trust in her relationship with Tom because she used their credit card behind his back when she promised she wouldn’t. She can say she’s sorry to Tom and swear up and down that it won’t happen again, but that doesn’t automatically build trust. If she, however, decides to take a workshop on breaking the habit of impulsive spending, that demonstrates to Tom that she is truly working on the root issue.

Be a good listener. When a person feels heard and feels understood it contributes to a bond of trust. What does that look like to be a good listener? To begin, it’s giving a person your full attention. This involves looking at them when they are talking and not doing other things during the interaction (like checking your phone, thinking about what you are going to eat for dinner, etc.).

Being a good listener also involves letting the other person finish their thoughts before responding. It is easy to interrupt when you have your own thoughts you want to share, but that can be very frustrating to the speaker. Being a good listener also entails reflecting back what you heard the other person say in an effort to make sure you understood them correctly. All of these things lead to the speaker feeling heard and understood.

Last, but not least, ask yourself what has helped you be able to trust others. Identify what has been effective in your own life and apply those personal things in your relationship. We all have our own experiences in life that teach us things. Do some introspection and discover what has made the difference for you in trusting certain people. Life experiences give us a plethora of good information for our future.

Seeking a counselor

If you need help in the area that contributed to the breaking of trust in your relationship, you may want to consider seeking professional help. A counselor can assist you in understanding your behaviors and then help you resolve the underlying issues. A counselor can also support you as you deal with any hurt you may be experiencing as a result of broken trust in your relationship.

Take care of yourself and take care of your relationships. Because as Stephen Covey once said: Trust is the glue of life. It’s the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It’s the foundational principle that holds all relationships.