How to Overcome Your Fear of Abandonment

In the following article, we will define and describe abandonment and then will discuss the seven prevalent symptoms associated with a fear of abandonment.

If you find that any of that this sounds like it applies to you, we would love a chance to set up a time to meet and to chat with you so we can share how you can truly, once and for all, overcome your fear of abandonment.

Abandonment – What is It?

One of our basic human needs is the need to connect with others. Even infants are born with the instinctive need to form a bonded attachment with the caregivers who tend to them. In the event that they do not receive what they are needing, a level of high anxiety is created. Those children who go through ongoing losses and do not get the physical and psychological security they are needing typically end up internalizing fear.

The type of fear that is most commonly experienced by children whose needs are not met early on is the fear of abandonment. Abandonment issues develop when the problems are left unaddressed. The wounds often carry on into adulthood too, significantly impacting their ability to function and taking a toll on their personal relationships as well.

The fear of being abandoned isn’t just something we come up with in our brains, it is actually written into our most primitive being, the primal part of our brains. It is called a primal universal fear which means everyone has it and it is part of our being like the fight-or-flight instincts. People need people. It’s been that way since the beginning of time.

In one form or another, all humans have experienced this type of fear. The degree to which we experience it and the severity of the impact we personally feel from it determines exactly how it affects us. Abandonment issues stem from an intense fear of losing the connection you have with someone who you care deeply for.

These helpless feelings of fear go back to experiences you had that made you feel like you weren’t able to count on those who you should have been able to count on to tend to you and to meet your needs. When you were left to take care of yourself, you were also left with abandonment issues.

The wounds of abandonment pierce deep into the emotions. It is common for people who suffer from abandonment issues to feel completely cut off from what abandonment expert, Susan Anderson, refers to as “support that is virtually life-sustaining.” She believes that abandonment is a “cumulative wound” that when triggered, causes all the losses, uncertainties, disappointments, and other negative emotions that were present in childhood to come flooding back and reignite.

Abandonment can be baffling. It doesn’t always follow a particular protocol. It can be real or it can be merely perceived. It can be emotional and/or physical. The causes of issues regarding abandonment can be equally as perplexing but are commonly begat by such things as abusive, inadequate, or even absent parenting. The only criteria is that whatever happened made the child feel like his needs were not being properly met and therefore spawned the fear.

For instance:

• A child who had feelings of being deserted because of death, foster care, day care or divorce.
• A child who had feelings of being forsaken due to sexual, emotional or physical abuse.
• A child whose basic needs were not met by his or her parents.

Some sources of abandonment tend to be less obvious, though certainly not less significant.

For example:

• Emotionally unavailable parents due to substance abuse or mental illness
• Siblings who teased their sister or brother perpetually
• Children who were or felt they were routinely ignored, left to tend to problems on their own without the guidance of an adult
• Adolescents who were not allowed to make any mistakes and who were continually criticized and belittled
• Children of adult caregivers who left town a lot or often came home late, leaving a sense of uncertainty within the child

Other kinds of abandonment wounds are rooted from such situations as a chronic disease, romantic split-ups, and being single for a prolonged period of time.

If any of these feelings or situations sound familiar to you, simply acknowledging it is the first step in healing.

Common Signs of a Fear of Abandonment

Below are seven symptoms that are common when it comes to fear of abandonment.

1. Chronic Insecurities
One of the areas that is hardest hit when abandonment strikes is your level of self-esteem. How can you feel good about yourself when such horrible, unsettling things are going on within your life? It is typical to think that the abandonment you are experiencing is reflective of your very worth as an individual.

As a child, you internalize the decisions others made to leave or neglect you as if it is all your fault. Automatically, your thoughts assume something is wrong with you and that you are not loveable.

The children of people who are egocentric are especially vulnerable to believing that they are the cause of a problem regardless of the fact that there is no logic in the connection. They are convinced they are responsible and take the blame for the actions of other people. That is why children with such issues walk away from the situation feeling as if they, themselves, are flawed and feel guilty as if everything was their fault.

2. Trauma Reenactment

The condition of childhood abandonment tends to set the stage for similar dynamics to be repeated in adulthood.

Those who have issues often position themselves in romantic relationships and in friendships that lead to them being abused and discarded because they have the core belief that they deserve to be abandoned. Thus, the people they place in their lives are ones who would tend to do exactly that.

Reenactment is, in reality, a subconscious way in which people seek to try to resolve trauma as if it is unfinished business. If you find that you tend to attract to those who are considered the “wrong” people, you might have abandonment issues.

Do you pursue people who are noncommittal, reckless, and unavailable? Are you hyper-vigilant, always protecting yourself, and always watching for signs of disconnection? Do you drive others away because you are standoffish or clingy? If so, you may want to take a deep look into your background. You may suffer from abandonment issues.

3. Pervasive Unworthiness

The act of being left commonly leaves one with the raw pain of emotions that tell you that you are worthless. You may feel you were undesired, discarded like trash, and rejected. Of course, you believe that you are not worthy of love. You tend to struggle to even imagine that you could be worth to deserve a life of anything good which includes relationships that are healthy, material things and a career that you would like to have.

Toxic shame and hating yourself are ever present and bombard your daily life. Internalizing the message that you’re defeated, defective and insignificant is commonplace. You always feel you are to blame for everything such as the happiness of others. You also feel guilty when you act needy which is your opinion of how you come across when being open to others.

You search to find fault within yourself when anything goes wrong. You reprimand your own self no matter whose fault it really was. You don’t trust your own judgment and constantly question your own thoughts because you think so little of yourself. How could you trust someone who was so inadequate anyway?

4. Exaggerated Emotional Sensitivity

Due to the trauma of being abandoned, the person who has had issues is left with a brain that is blueprinted with the abandonment wounds. They tend to be overly sensitive to just about everything and anything that comes their way. Many things trigger feelings of rejection, feelings of insignificance, feelings of being unworthy, and so many other emotions that hijack their very innermost feelings and thoughts.

Rational thought is taken over by emotions that are injured due to the wounds of their childhood. They may even have flashbacks or they may not see any connection whatsoever and may not make the connection even when it is pointed out to them.

5. Distrust

For children who have experienced the feelings of heartache due to uncertainty, feelings of being rejected by individuals you love and care for cause you to feel overwhelmingly powerless.

Those with abandonment issues and wounds were deserted emotionally and/or physically by someone whom they depended on to be there and to take care of them.

Consequently, those individuals subsequently learned they must not and cannot ever rely or depend on other people to protect and care for them. In an attempt to cope with the feelings of despair they possess, they often promise to become independent and self-sufficient. Therefore, they keep people, especially those they love, at a safe arm’s length. Furthermore, they stay guarded and put on a tough face, remaining emotionally unavailable.

6. Mood Swings

Another result that fear of abandonment often brings is an overwhelming and engulfing tidal wave of anxiety and depression. In order to shield and protect your shattered and broken heart, it is common for you to try to detach and numb your feelings. The bottom line reality of feeling alone is just too much to deal with.

You constantly feel lost and empty. You worry and are always paranoid people are about to leave you. Such feelings of loss of control lead to even more obsessive thinking which also promotes and instigates intrusive thoughts. As a result, you often overanalyze what you think people are thinking of you and how they feel about you as well.

Commonly, anger runs rampant and surges in the event that individuals are busy and aren’t able to do things with you. Jealousy and fear consume you and battle for spots in your every thought. Failure is always feared as well. You often react out of defensiveness, disconnection, and you feel misunderstood most of the time. You may go from being in a good and pleasant mood to being angry, hurt, or resentful.

7. Relationships that are Self-Sabotaging

The fear of being abandoned interferes with the forming of healthy, secure attachments when you enter adulthood. It sounds absurd and very contradicting, those who have gone through feeling discarded often get in stuck situations that vacillate between feeling fear of being abandoned and the fear of the opposite, being engulfed. These people tend to cling desperately to people although they are terrified of intimacy.

Those who dodge intimacy usually have a deep fear feeling or being dominated, controlled, and dismissed, which ultimately results in the loss of themselves. To fully expose and bear their heart and feelings to someone else shoves them into a corner, putting them at risk as well as in an uncomfortable and vulnerable position that they do not care to be in.

For some individuals, this type of intimate soul connection is far too overwhelming, so in order to ensure that no one has a chance to abandon them, they do the leaving first. The fearful individuals reason and rationalize that if someone ever completely knew them, they could be fully rejected and that is a chance they would rather not take.

Christian Counseling to Help You Overcome Your Fear of Abandonment

If a fear of abandonment is keeping you from living a fulfilled and happy life, rest assured that there is help and there is hope. If you are trapped by feelings of low self-worth or feel like you cannot trust people, let us help you. Do you feel like being neglected as a child was your fault? Rest assured, it was not, though it is normal to feel as if it was.

Christian counseling is a step in the right direction. We will give you the tools you will need to get your life back. You will learn to trust again and will regain your self-confidence.

Therapy for abandonment issues offers a safe place where you can share your feelings and your story and receive healing. You don’t have to live in misery another minute. Reach out to us today and get started on your new beginning.