Is it Okay to Have Sexual Fantasies within a Christian Marriage?

Did you know the Bible gives examples of sexual fantasies within marriage? This book is often overlooked, but Song of Solomon vividly describes what romance and sexuality could look like in the context of marriage. It’s a book brimming with vivid imagery describing passion between a groom and his bride.

Part of nurturing a healthy marriage is nurturing healthy sexual imaginings. God wants spouses to continue to return to each other and the marriage bed. If you are allowed to be intimate with your spouse, you are allowed to think about your spouse sexually too. Here are some ways to remain focused on your spouse and marriage.

Protect Your Mind

Sexual messages are everywhere from advertisements to social media. People are inundated with sexual messages from an early age. It’s important to purposefully refrain from watching TV, viewing shows or reading books that glorify sinful relationships such as adultery or casual encounters.

Media make an affair look appealing, but hardly ever show the consequences that follow from broken marriages, unplanned pregnancy, and STDs. When the mind is protected and specific precautions are taken, you are less likely to get ensnared by the temptation of the world. The desires, if acted upon, can destroy trust in a marriage.

But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death. – James 1:14-14

Arousal begins in the mind. The images or scenes that play in our heads indicate what’s happening in our hearts. If those fantasies involve your spouse and ignite the desire to be one, then they strengthen the bond of marriage.

However, sin seeks to kill, steal and destroy every good thing from God. It’s important to think on “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable” (Philippians 4:8).

Our thoughts can easily feed into our actions. It’s normal to still find someone attractive even after marriage. Just because you are married, doesn’t mean people suddenly become hideous.

The problem occurs when a fleeting glance becomes a permanent gaze. An emotional or physical wedge can form if you find your eyes, thoughts or behaviors revolving around a person other than your spouse.

Your Sexual Fantasies Should Only Include Your Spouse

With romance novels being turned into major motion pictures and pornography rising in popularity, the war has been raging to fill our minds with thoughts that are not God-honoring. These images seek to distort and damage God’s beautiful design for marriage.

Proverbs 5:15 says to “drink water from your own well – share your love only with your wife.” Fantasies that include someone else other than your spouse are dangerous and could hinder intimacy between you and your spouse.

Proverbs 5:18-19 sends the reminder to remain committed to your spouse, “And rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer, may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.”

The more sexual images you create with people other than your spouse, the more you could be swayed to take physical steps to live out those images.

Focus on Complimenting Your Spouse

It’s easy to fall into a trap of comparison. Your husband might not have a six-pack, but then you see a man at the pool who does. Your wife might not have long, blonde hair that you prefer but then you see a woman at work with hair you want to run your fingers through. Spouses can get completely fixated on what is missing that they fail to focus on all the great qualities that are present.

Song of Solomon 4:11 teaches us to focus on all the attributes that make our spouses attractive. “Your lips drip nectar, my bride; honey and milk are under your tongue; the fragrance of your garments is like the fragrance of Lebanon.” Solomon has a passion for his wife that often isn’t talked about in the church.

Even among sixty queens and eighty concubines and countless young women, I would still choose my dove, my perfect one. – Song of Solomon 6:8-9

Solomon knows there’s plenty of women to choose from out there, but he constantly reminds his wife that he has chosen her. What wife wouldn’t want to be reminded that her husband would choose her all over again?

Communicate Your Desires

Feel free to share the sexual experiences you desire with your spouse if those experiences are God-honoring and communicated in a respectful way. You’ll be spending the rest of your lives with each other and should explore sex together. It can be awkward at first, but if you push past the awkwardness you might take your intimate life to a new level.

Maybe, as a wife, you just want to be held after sex but your husband doesn’t understand that need. Voice your feelings and your need for a different form of physical closeness after sex.

It’s important that both husband and wife are satisfied and experiencing pleasure. God designed men and women to be fruitful and multiply. He gave us the ability to fill the earth, but he also designed our bodies to become aroused and enjoy sex with our spouses.

How Christian Counseling Can Help Your Sex Life

Some people say having sex is easy, but talking about it is not. It can be a delicate subject to discuss how your desires aren’t being met. A Christian counselor is prepared to help both people navigate through the hard questions and uncover the root of any issues that arise. A biblical and clinical approach will help you distill Godly principles from mainstream culture’s teachings about sex.