Premarital Counseling: Why You Shouldn’t Skip This Step

Getting married is usually a very exciting time for both bride and groom. Personally, both spouses-to-be are entering a new chapter in their life where they will become more mature and follow in the footsteps of their parents before them.

Socially, the wedding day is a much-anticipated highlight in most people’s lives, with many having dreamed about their wedding even at a young age. It is no wonder why much focus, time, and money are given to the actual wedding day.

Unfortunately, because of all the details to attend to, Christian premarital counseling is often set aside. Many engaged couples believe that there is not enough time left to schedule it as the stress of work and the ongoing wedding preparations require their full concentration.

And of course, most couples already believe that they know their partner well and already have an idea of what to expect from marriage as they have seen how their parents handled married life, negating the need for counseling, in their view.

Sadly, in many cases, couples who missed out on premarital counseling later realize that they were not as prepared as they thought they would be for the challenges of married life, which is why they are struggling mightily.

The Importance of Christian Premarital Counseling

In today’s world, ideas about marriage have been diluted and intermixed. The roles of spouses have been interchanged at times and sometimes even forgotten. Ideas of parenthood as well have been affected with parents becoming too strict or too lax; or in some cases, parents may be non-existent as others have taken over the parents’ role as primary guardians.

As the author of marriage, God has designed married life to work in certain ways. Throughout the Bible, the roles of husband and wife, the relationship between parents and children, and the importance of family in the society are discussed.

In His goodness, God gives a lot of guiding principles to follow, while still leaving much wiggle room for couples to express their individuality and freedom to raise their family in a unique way. All of these are discussed in Christian premarital counseling which is why it is so important.

What Generally Happens in Christian Premarital Counseling

As every couple is different, a variety of things may occur during Christian premarital counseling. One very important aspect is the review of God’s design for marriage. As mentioned earlier, the world has abandoned God’s original idea, altering the truth and adopting different views.

The pastor or Christian counselor will discuss the dynamics of a Christian marriage, including the importance of submission, agape love, and the like. If both partners are mature Christians, then the discussion and activities serve as an important reminder as everybody is prone to forgetfulness.

But if one is still growing in Christ and the premarital counseling is done early enough, then, thankfully, there will be enough time to understand and accept this heavenly design.

Another aspect that usually occurs now is a friendly interview as to the reasons behind the marriage. Unfortunately, many couples today get married for a variety of wrong reasons which is why separation, divorce, and abuse are rampant today.

Though uncomfortable for some, if their motives are good then it really helps to affirm that the purpose of the marriage is also good. But if the motives are not good, then perhaps this wrong union can be stopped or at least delayed until hearts are in the right place.

Finally, in counseling, challenging aspects of marriage are brought up so that the couple can start discussing how they will deal with them in the near future. In the same way that pre-planning helps businesses and activities to run smoothly, the same is true for marriage.

Marital Issues that Need Discussion

While life promises to always bring challenges, Christian or not, there are still some issues that couples ought to bring up before tying the knot so that they do not have to experience additional burdens in their marital life.

Shared Household Duties

In today’s household, two parents often have to work to put food on the table and prepare for future expenses (e.g. college tuition for the kids, house renovation). Such busyness, however, creates a dilemma when it comes to tidying up the home and raising the kids.

For most two-income families, the days are long gone when the wife took care of everything. Husbands are also expected to share in the duties, especially when the wife is still adjusting to motherhood. If not, frustration and resentment may result.

Even in traditional setups, where the husband works and the wife stays at home, it is usually expected that chores are divvied up and that sufficient time is given by each spouse to their children. But if such expectations are not properly discussed beforehand, things can quickly go from sweet to sour in just a few months after saying “I do.”

The Need to Sacrifice Self

In marriage, as two distinct individuals come together to create one new married life, it is essential that each spouse learns to overcome selfishness, though it is easier said than done. Many partners believe that they have already achieved such self-sacrifice during their engagement period as they readily conceded to their partner’s desires.

But that was at a time when they lived under separate roofs where they had much free time to do things they loved on their own and individually spend their money on what made them happy.

As a married couple sharing the same resources, doing what one wants to do without consideration of the other’s feelings strains the relationship. This does not mean that one has to sacrifice their individuality. Proper negotiation on things like alone time, personal hobbies, time with friends, and even spending money on certain wants ought to be negotiated together beforehand to avoid hurtful arguments in the future.

Time Management

It is good to work – whether paid or volunteer. As parents, it is important to be able to provide for the family. But many spouses take such responsibility to another level, consuming too much time at the office, in the field, or even helping at the church, spending much time with others yet none with their family.

Spouses-to-be ought to include time management in their discussions to avoid the dangers of working too much. In today’s time, this is particularly important as a spouse may be required to work far away from home; both working spouses may have conflicting job schedules (e.g. one works the day shift while the other works at night); or spouses are trying to balance their work and time with the kids. For everyone at home, love is most felt when people are present enjoying quality time together, so time management is crucial.

Keeping the Flame Alive

Many mature married couples are quick to point out that marriage is not what young people dream it to be. Though there may have been much romance during the courtship, engagement, and early months of marriage, eventually the “magic” wears off as daily chores, work, and focus on the children take center stage.

In order to keep the flame alive, couples need to consciously make time for one another despite the busyness of marital life. This means taking time off to continue dating without the kids. It also means a conscious choice to stay interested in one another and discover new things together.

It may seem awkward at first to “plan ahead” such romantic encounters, as it may have been quite spontaneous before; but as time goes by, this will become more natural and mutually appreciated.

Avoiding the Lure of Others

Despite finding the “one”, almost every spouse will be tempted by somebody else at some point during their marriage. This somebody could be an old flame, a family friend, a colleague, a church mate, or a stranger one may meet on a business trip. Whatever the case, it is very important that both spouses are aware of their vow to God, first and foremost, and then to one another. And then, they should run right away from that temptation.

Prior to marriage, it helps that such situations are discussed beforehand so that limitations and contingencies can be discussed since not all scenarios can be easily avoided (e.g. team project where a flirting colleague is involved).

In many healthy marital relationships, spouses are able to openly share their encounters about this, knowing that their spouse trusts them; and is willing to support and pray for one another to avoid such sin.

Sex Before the Marriage

While temptation during marriage is a very big danger indeed, another sin that engaged couples commit is premarital sex. These days, sex before marriage is no longer considered taboo, especially if you have plans to marry that person anyway. Many couples rationalize that it is better to test their sexual compatibility first before they become “bound and chained” to one another.

The Bible is very clear that premarital sex, whether you are engaged or not, is sin. Sex within the bounds of marriage is a very beautiful gift from God. But outside of marriage, the sexual act is cheapened. And whether fornicating partners believe it or not, it will affect their mindset about sex during the marriage as sex may no longer be viewed as sacred or even exclusive (particularly if they had many sexual partners before).

Prayer and Worship

As the creator of marriage, it is important that God is always at the center. For spouses, this means a married life of prayer and worship, both together and alone. Individually, each spouse needs to grow closer to God – the more they are personally connected to Him, the more they feel His grace strengthening them to stay committed to their family.

As a couple, it is crucial that they choose to pray and worship together. It serves as a great example to the children. And it becomes a way for them to both acknowledge that they cannot have a great marriage without God’s help.

Similar to romantic dates during marriage, prayer and worship as a couple requires planning and a conscious desire to know God together and encourage one another to become more prayerful individually.

Overcoming Personal Issues

One thing that may come out during the premarital discussion is the presence of personal issues or trauma in life. Everybody has baggage since there is no perfect life on earth. But sometimes a spouse may not have overcome this trauma, causing them to bring those wounds into their marriage that will come out at a future date.

It greatly helps that both partners are aware of this and that interventions (e.g. therapy, substance rehabilitation) are first done before marrying one another. If not, these old wounds can make themselves felt in key areas of their married life.

Final Thoughts

An ideal marriage consists of a Godly man and woman coming together to form a new life that honors God, our Creator. This happens when both choose to walk with Christ daily, asking the Holy Spirit for strength to love one another.

Such a marriage requires that both partners are truly aware of who they are individually and as a couple, which is why it is of utmost importance that they undergo Christian premarital counseling well before the wedding plans have been finalized. This may also mean that personal counseling is made use of in case a partner has past issues that need to be resolved first.

If you or a friend is about to get married, seek Christian premarital counseling while there is still sufficient time before the wedding date. You can contact your pastor or you can seek help from Christian premarital counselors. Marriage is a very special union. Ensure that yours is special by being prepared before saying, “I do.”