How to Deal with Relationship Issues After You’ve Been Hurt

Relationships require work, we all know this. We are human beings, and we will mess up from time to time. The crucial thing is how you respond to being hurt. Our responses really can make or break our relationships. You should never ignore the hurtful behavior. Confrontation can be an effective way of dealing with relationship issues and the related fallout.

Just like a vaccine, when administered well, confrontation can ensure that your relationship is less susceptible to illness in the future. Now, no one likes injections. In the same way, this type of confrontation is rarely much fun; but it is important.

If someone with whom you are in a relationship hurts, offends, or wrongs you in any way, you have a duty to address that. It will be worth it in the long run.

Recovering from Betrayal

So how do you recover from being betrayed? How do you move on from the hurt? Without a doubt, it requires effort. You may feel a sense of anger building up within you, and may feel as if you want to hold it against your partner forever. But you cannot do this to them or to yourself.

Bitterness and unforgiveness are like consuming a poison and waiting for the other person to die. It is counterproductive and will only leave you in even more pain. Resentment is toxic and will prevent you from moving forward.

Addressing the Issues

That being said, you should never just pretend as if nothing happened. If you value your relationship and want it to become a source of true fulfillment, you must always seek to address its weaknesses.

This means refusing to do any of the following:

1. Becoming passive aggressive because you think the other person should know how mad you are at them.
2. Seeking revenge and actively retaliating.
3. Waiting until “the opportune moment” to bring the issue up but never getting around to it. This is avoidance and will result in greater hurt over time. There are no perfect times for confrontation – just pick a moment and go for it.
4. Embarrassing them in a public setting by bringing up what they did in front of other people.

Instead:

1. Set time aside to sit down in a comfortable and neutral environment where you can get everything out in the open.
2. Think about what you want to say. Write it down if necessary. When emotions run high, our brains can do strange things. You don’t want to get sidetracked, or simply not be able to remember what the issue is.
3. Remain calm at all times. Avoid aggression and try not to raise your voice. Try to present your feelings to the person without resorting to emotional blackmail.

Make sure the confrontation is coming from a place of love and understanding. We have all hurt other people, whether we realize it or not. Gain a detailed understanding of the situation. If the person has hurt you unintentionally, be wary of this when approaching the matter in any sort of confrontational setting.

Without using inflammatory language, clearly state what it is that the other person has done, and express how much it has hurt you.

Healthy and Necessary Confrontation

We all know of some things that annoy us in those people we hold dear. Perhaps it is as simple as your spouse prematurely talking over you when you are trying to respond to their question. That can be super annoying, right? The best way to deal with it is to confront them directly.

Don’t disengage with the person or avoid the fact that they are really irritating you. Confront them and deal with it head-on. Let them know that when they talk over you it makes you feel undervalued and belittled. Make it clear to the person that this is beginning to affect how you interact with them.

It may be that they had no idea that they were doing this. If that is the case, they are likely to be mortified when they hear how much it has been affecting you. Plus, if they genuinely care about your feelings and the relationship you have, they will be receptive to what you are saying to them.

What if they don’t see it from your perspective?

This is difficult. It might be that the person you have confronted genuinely doesn’t understand your grievance against them. However, it may also be the case that the person knows exactly what they have done but are refusing to admit it out of a place of pride and defensiveness. Either way, this is hard to deal with.

You may begin to question yourself or your motives behind confronting them. In this situation, it is worth being conscientious and assessing whether or not there is any merit to what they are saying. But always be aware of “gaslighting.”

Gaslighting usually takes the form of dismissive accusations such as, “You’re so sensitive. You’re so emotional. You’re defensive. You’re overreacting. Calm down. Relax. Stop freaking out! You’re crazy! I was just joking, don’t you have a sense of humor? You’re so dramatic. Just get over it already!”

Rather than acknowledging the possibility that they are in the wrong, gaslighters tend to manipulate those they are offending by telling them they’re way off base for suggesting that there is anything wrong with their behavior.

In this case, you should work hard at getting the person to hear you out and implore them to understand your point of view. Sometimes, however, it is no use. This is the point at which a professional counselor may become extremely helpful.

Remember the scripture in Galatians 6:1, “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual restore them gently, but watch yourselves or you also may be tempted.”

Chances are, a person who is refusing to engage with your criticism is unlikely to want to go to counseling, but it may be worth suggesting. If this offer is turned down, it might be useful to attend counseling alone in order to figure out some alternative ways of communicating with the person.

Remember, there is a big difference between differing opinions and hurtful behavior. You mustn’t let someone who has hurt you convince you that it is nothing more than a difference of opinion. Of course, sometimes you should seek to simply “agree to disagree,” but you should never settle for this when it comes to dealing with an instance of hurtful behavior.