The Grieving Process: Commonalities and Differences

It is the job of psychologists and related researchers to try to classify the different experiences of humankind. Through this, we get a general view of how people feel and react. While there is much truth in what has been discovered, however, it must be said that everyone is unique so no single path exists for any experience, most especially for the grieving process.

What We Can Learn from Others about the Grieving Process

A lot of research has been done on grieving, providing much insight to the bereaved (or those consoling them) on the on-going experience and what to expect after. This “grieving process,” however, may not always follow the same sequence as other people. But should it be different, there is no need to be alarmed – there are more ways than one to deal with the sad reality of grief.

David Kessler, a well-known expert on grief, claims that steps in the grieving process “are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief. Not everyone goes through all of them or in a prescribed order.”

These commonly accepted stages are just a part of learning to come to terms with the difficult loss. Should there be more, or even less, phases in your experience or that of a loved one, it may simply be a sign that the journey is unique.

Grief’s Solitude

Though this uniqueness exists, there are some aspects that are common to all. For starters, it is always personal and full of pain. In Proverbs 14:10a, Solomon wrote, “Each heart knows its own bitterness.” So, while many may try to empathize, the only one who can fully understand and feel the pain of that loss is you.

Though it may seem like a lonely road to be on; it is still good to realize that there is no “correct” experience, especially if you need counseling to deal with the aftermath of the loss. A good Christian counselor should be able to empathize with you without suggesting that he or she knows exactly what you feel nor criticize your experience of it.

Hope in the Midst of Our Grief

Fortunately for us all, someone does know how we feel and that is Jesus Christ, our Lord, and Savior. Holy Scripture guarantees that at the proper time, “He will wipe every tear from [your] eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain.” (Revelation 21:4)

As the Word who became flesh, Jesus showed the profound nature of grief as He, too, experienced it while on earth. In the shortest Bible verse, John the Apostle wrote that “Jesus wept” (John 11:35) when he came to the grave of Lazarus, his dear friend. Despite knowing that in a few moments He would miraculously resurrect His friend, in his humanity, Jesus felt the sorrow and pain that those close to Lazarus also experienced.

For believers, it is truly good news to us that we will ultimately be comforted by Christ, who is “acquainted with grief” (Isaiah 53:3). It means that God truly knows.

But even better, as Christians, we do not mourn like unbelievers who “have no hope” (1 Thessalonians 4:13). Yes, He raised Lazarus; but most importantly, Christ himself was raised, forever overcoming sin and death. There truly is hope of eternal victory over death that belongs to us because we are in Him (1 Corinthians 15:55).

The Lifelong Journey of Grief

One flaw in defining “stages” in the experience of grief is that people come to believe that there is an end-goal. Their idea is that once each phase has been surpassed then the griever moves a step toward becoming healthy and whole once again.

However, no matter how much progress is made, grieving may never find completion in this lifetime. The death of a close loved one hits a person hard, so although they may be eager to become whole once more, it might really take much more time than psychologists like to believe. Again, this is not an illness that requires curing; it is a lifelong healing process as one remembers, and honors the deceased.

When diagnosing patients, mental health professionals consider the following when distinguishing between bereavement and a true mental disorder: “Careful consideration is given to the delineation of normal sadness and grief from a major depressive episode. Bereavement may induce great suffering, but it does not typically induce an episode of major depressive disorder.” (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders)

Naturally, you will grieve for the loss of a treasured friend, a parent, sibling, spouse or child for the rest of your life. So rather than being pressured to “get over” the loss, a good mental health professional should be able to teach you how to cope with the loss while moving forward and continuing to honor the departed loved one.

A Testimony of Love

A person’s grief is directly tied to the depth of one’s love for another. Thus, when that loved one leaves this life, the devastating effects on those left behind are transformative. The bereaved is no longer the same, no matter how hard they may try or how hard they may wish to become who they were before.

In his book A Grief Observed, Christian author C.S. Lewis describes the personal transformation that occurs when a person has lost someone very close to them – in his case, his precious wife. He writes, “The death of a beloved is an amputation.”

Mr. Lewis then adds: “He will probably have recurrent pains in the stump all his life, and perhaps pretty bad ones, and he will always be a one-legged man. There will be hardly any moment when he forgets it. Bathing, dressing, sitting down and getting up again, even lying in bed, will all be different. His whole way of life will be changed. All sorts of pleasures and activities that he once took for granted will have to be simply written off.”

The Five Stages of Grief

In 1969, Elizabeth Kübler-Ross presented to the world her study on the five stages of death which was published in her book On Death and Dying. Though originally meant to assist those who were dealing with imminent death (e.g. terminally ill patients), these stages were later adapted for people coping with grief as discussed in her other book On Grief and Grieving (Kübler-Ross and David Kessler, 2005).

Though not everyone may agree with what was written, her study has become important when discussing grief and death. In an article entitled Why the Five Stages of Grief are Wrong, psychology professor David Feldman points out, “If you already are familiar with the stages of grief, you have psychiatrist and visionary death-and-dying expert Elizabeth Kübler-Ross to thank for it.

Through her many books and tireless activism, Kübler-Ross managed to change how much of the world thought about death. She helped soften some of the stigma that had previously been present, making it a little more okay to talk about and get support for loss.”

1. Denial

This is the usual reaction to the shock immediately after hearing about the loss, helping people to cope with such overwhelming news.

2. Anger

Though seemingly negative in the eyes of those around, an angry response allows the person to feel and function, instead of turning numb and despondent. The stronger the love one had for the lost, the more powerful the anger will be.

3. Bargaining

Usually the initial attempt to actively deal with the loss, it might seem illogical and possibly absurd to bargain since is nothing that can be done to reverse things, but logic often goes out the window when dealing with such a painful reality. People grasp at any possibility that may reduce the pain.

4. Depression

Here, one experiences the deepest level of grief as the shift moves from external blame to internal pain. Here, the sadness and pain can be quite overpowering. It is an expected reaction and necessary to recovery.

5. Acceptance

Finally, the person comes to realize the reality of the loss and begins to take the necessary steps to adjust and move on with life. This, however, does not mean the loved one has been forgotten.

The Four Tasks of Mourning

A different model to deal with grief is the Four Tasks of Mourning by William J. Worden. These “tasks” are very useful as they allow the griever to actively respond rather than postpone the grief. For many, these tasks allow the griever to move past the initial stage of denial.

Worden’s idea is that by consciously working through these tasks one can reestablish equilibrium.

1. To accept the reality of the loss

On the simplest level, this means going through motions of finality such as a funeral and speaking of the deceased in the past tense rather than the present. The challenge is to fully accept the impact on one’s life as the deceased is no longer there to fulfill their role the way they were before.

2. To work through the pain of grief

In this task, the griever must acknowledge and discuss the differing emotions burdening them – anger, despair, fear, guilt, sadness, and many more. By bringing these out into the open, the healing may be sped along.

3. To adjust to an environment in which the deceased is missing

Depending upon the deceased’s role (e.g. spouse, child, friend, business partner), this may require varying forms of adjustment (internal, external, and/or spiritual). But as life must go on, the griever has to find ways to cope with the new duties that accompany being left behind.

4. To find an enduring connection with the deceased while embarking on a new life

This last task may take much time, but a person must be able to do so in order to “live” once more. Here, the griever finds a way to remember that important connection without preventing new experiences and people to come into their life.

Other Activators of Grief

While death is the quintessential form of grief, it is not the only cause of it in a person’s life. There are also other traumatic experiences that regularly distress people in different stages of life. Some of these include:

• Loss of job or business bankruptcy
• Physical or mental impairment
• Long-term separation from a loved one (e.g. parents working abroad)
• End of a friendship or romantic relationship (e.g. infidelity, divorce)
• Death of a pet

Though these may not seem as tragic as the death of a loved one, they still do cause much anguish and usually share the same reactions as that of the death of a loved one. Hence, they too are forms of grieving.

Support and Counseling for the Grieving Process

Grief, in all its forms, is a common part of life, yet facing it alone or unguided can lead to prolonged heartaches and difficulty. If you or a friend is experiencing grief, assistance from a Christian counselor can help you deal with the new life challenges. Our counselors will respect your grief and the love it represents. Do not be afraid to ask for help.