The Pointlessness of Forgiving Yourself

Though it may be a popular idea, the concept of forgiving yourself is fruitless. I believe people have meant well when they told me during difficult times when I was ridden with guilt that God has forgiven me, but I haven’t forgiven myself. I think what they meant to say is that I haven’t accepted the forgiveness of Christ. The usage of the phrase “forgiving yourself” is worthy of deeper consideration.

With the exception of the Bible, the most famous illustration of forgiveness and the grace of God comes from Victor Hugo’s Les Misérables.

In the scene when the brigadier of gendarmes returns holding Jean Valjean by the collar having caught him with stolen silverware, Monseigneur Bienvenu (the Bishop) in an act of pardon declares that Valjean had been given the silver as a gift. Going even further, the Bishop informs Valjean that he had forgotten to take the candlesticks as well. Valjean reflects on what has transpired as he leaves the Bishop’s home:

”Jean Valjean, my brother, you no longer belong to evil, but to good. It is your soul that I buy from you; I withdraw it from black thoughts and the spirit of perdition, and I give it to God.”

This idea unceasingly filled his thoughts. To this heavenly kindness, he compared his pride, which is the root of evil in everyone. He was distinctly conscious that the pardon of this priest was the greatest and most formidable attack which had been made on his pride, and that he would be confirmed in his evil if he resisted this clemency.

If he yielded, he would be obliged to renounce the hatred which the actions of other men had produced in his soul over the years, and in which he had reveled. But he realized that this time it was necessary to conquer or to be conquered; and that a struggle, a colossal and final struggle, had been begun between his viciousness and the goodness of that man. Preachers frequently use this vignette to demonstrate how the forgiveness and grace of Christ not only involve pardon of offenses but also a giving of a gift to boot.

Tim Keller highlights the extravagance of God’s goodness in The Prodigal God and explores the primary characters the father and his two sons from the parable in Luke 15. Prodigal can mean both “wastefully extravagant” or “having or giving something on a lavish scale” (Oxford Dictionary). The gift of Christ is extravagant love in its fullest and most perfect form. If this is so why is it so hard to relinquish guilt?

I cannot think of a single instance where the Bible ever suggests that one should forgive one’s self. What is present, however, are scenes where God forgives human beings and God calls us to forgive others. Instead of commands to forgive ourselves, there are examples of how God helps us handle our failures.

David plotted Uriah the Hittite’s death so that he could take his wife Bathsheba for himself. Second Samuel 11:27 says, “But the thing that David had done displeased the Lord.” When God rebukes David through Nathan, David responds, “I have sinned against the Lord,“ and David loses his child to death.

Saul commits a series of offenses against God. The epic narrative of the relationship between David and Saul ends in 1 Samuel 31 with the suicide of Saul. David is known as a man after God’s own heart, and Saul is known as the king who tragically failed. The difference between the two is how they handled failure. One cast himself on the mercy of a mighty God, the other crumbled inward in fear of self-destruction.

The same can be said of Peter. In Mark 14:66-72. Peter denies Jesus not once but three times after he adamantly denied he would “fall away” in Mark 14:29. Peter is so devastated by his weakness that he “wept bitterly” (Matthew 26:75). John 21 demonstrates Peter’s reliance on Jesus when the resurrected Jesus stood on the shore, and Peter threw himself into the sea. The Book of John recounts a conversation between Peter and Jesus ends this interaction with “Follow me” (verse 19).

In contrast to Peter, there is Judas. Matthew 27 states that Judas tried to return the thirty pieces of silver to the chief priests and elders and then went out and hanged himself. Both Peter and Judas betray Jesus, but Peter is remembered as Jesus having said of him, “You are Peter, and on this rock, I will build my church, and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it” (Matthew 16:19). Judas is remembered as the deceiver. The difference between the two is how they handled their sin.

Second Corinthians 7:10-11 says, “For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death. For see what earnestness this godly grief has produced in you, but also what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what longing, what zeal, what punishment! At every point, you have proved yourselves innocent in this matter.”

Grief that looks outward and clings to the grace of Christ is a godly kind that produces growth and life; whereas grief that looks desperately inward, ignoring Christ’s grace, leads to worldly grief and death.

God does not call us to self-deprecation and self-degradation. He fills us up with the grace and love of Christ unto humility. Guilt can be an appropriate state when we’ve truly done something wrong, to which we can then respond with godly grief rooted in the Spirit and Christ’s extravagant generosity.

The idea of forgiving ourselves is also futile because we do not have the power to end the cycle of pain. We cannot right the wrong. Human perception and experience is a web of complexity and diversity. We cannot possibly ameliorate every situation for everyone, including ourselves. There is only one being in the universe who has the power to vindicate and recreate.

Instead of operating out of the terminology of self-forgiveness perhaps we can relish the extravagant grace of Christ and pray that we might grow in His grace and mercy. In the spirit of NT Wright’s suggestions in After You Believe, pursue the practices in the “virtuous circle.” Living in community, share the experience of stories, Scripture, Christian disciplines, and examples.

Instead of unpacking each of these pieces from NT Wright’s book, I suggest you learn from various examples of God’s extravagant grace perhaps through serving those who are marginalized, not alone but alongside others, or reading stories about grace-filled people who have lived lives devoted to the “least of these, my brothers.”

A helpful step if you’re experiencing obstacles of guilt might be to seek help from those in a small group or a pastor from your church. If you experience guilt as an insurmountable barrier, this might be a season for you to seek help from Christian counselors.

Forgiving yourself is a false concept that cannot compare to the abundance of healing and freedom that comes from fully experiencing the grace that Christ offers.