The Truth about Having an Emotional Affair

Certain spouses scoff at the idea of an emotional affair. If a spouse didn’t cross a physical boundary, then they don’t see the harm in flirtatious relationships outside of their marriage. Yet, emotional affairs can be just as destructive as physical infidelity.

What does an emotional affair look like?

At work your hire an administrative assistant. She’s attractive, young and caters to your every need. She makes you feel powerful and respected, something your wife hasn’t done in years. You begin to look forward to the moments she walks into your office.

You find yourself asking her personal questions, taking an avid interest in her life outside of work and even find yourself complimenting her appearance. Over time, you begin to feel a greater intimacy with her than your own spouse.

Or maybe you are a stay-at-home mom who is constantly cooking, cleaning and caring for four kids. You start going to the gym where you meet a fitness coach. At first, he is coaching you through different workouts, but soon he turns into a listening ear and shoulder to cry on.

You begin to compare his compassion and attentiveness to your husband’s lack of attention. You find yourself getting overly dressed up for your time at the gym and making sure your schedule matches his. You begin texting each other.

First, it was only recipes and workout tips, but it’s evolved into flirtatious messages. He makes you feel like you did before four kids and ten years of marriage took a toll on you.

What are the signs of an emotional affair?

Because emotional affairs often begin as an innocent friendship, it makes it harder to pinpoint and define than a sexual affair. Usually, the emotional affair doesn’t develop intentionally, but it increases gradually as an emotional void is filled by someone other than your spouse.

It’s wise to examine work, friend, and church relationships. Is there anyone who is satisfying your needs in a way you aren’t getting from your spouse?

If you take a mental inventory of relationships and suddenly realize you are participating in an emotional affair, an avalanche of guilt or shame may hit you. We are wired to be in a relationship with Jesus and with others. It’s not abnormal to seek satisfaction from others, but identifying and then ending the emotional affair are necessary actions before rebuilding the relationship with your spouse.

Mending your marriage after an emotional affair

Even if you truly want to repair the rough patches in your marriage, reconnecting with your spouse can be an uphill battle. Depending on the length of the affair, letting your spouse back into an intimate place is terrifying. Both spouses must be patient with each other and willing to work on the relationship.

If you decide to restore your marriage, here are some steps you can take:

Find a Counselor

Emotional affairs cause severe detachment in marriages and erode any trust that once existed. When some spouses enter into counseling they aren’t even sure how to love their spouse properly. Trauma and other past pains can lead to emotional and physical affairs. A counselor can help guide both spouses through their past history and present patterns.

Communicate Your Needs

Constructive communication can bring two people together. If a need isn’t being met, take time to carefully consider that need and communicate it clearly to your spouse. “I just want you to hold me. You can say no.”

Allowing the other person to say no is key to building intimacy and respect in a marriage. Hopefully, if you both attend counseling sessions, a professional can help walk you through effective communication tools.

Work on Emotional Engagement

When you’ve been married for a while it’s easy to take your spouse for granted and go through the mundane motions of husband and wife. Maybe you make breakfast every single day for your husband.

Create a special moment by adding a piece of chocolate or making a heart with syrup. Be present in the moment with your spouse instead of distracted by your phone, laptop, or television. Little sparks of romance can get the flames of love burning bright again.

Date Your Spouse

Create a list of date ideas, select a day during the week as the designated date night, and randomly pick one of the dates. Spending quality time together can remind you why you fell in love with your spouse in the first place. Even if it’s simply a sunset walk around the neighborhood where you share the highs and lows of your day.

Pick Your Spouse

It’s healthy to have friendships outside of your marriage, but if you are wanting to spend more time with certain friends rather than your spouse that can create a wider wedge between you two.

Make sure to include your spouse in plans or check in with him about it. Develop ways to build a friendship with your spouse that will outlast any curveballs life throws at you.

Stick to Boundaries

If you know you are prone to certain temptations, the best thing to do is to actively protect your marriage by implementing specific boundaries. This might mean never having your door shut at work while a person of the opposite sex is in your office.

If you are out of town for business, you might want to Skype your family every night at a scheduled time to keep your mind focused on your wife and kids. If social media is your problem, different apps are available to monitor the sites you visit and limit your browsing. Mentioning your spouse in a positive way also gives others the signal to stay away.

Christian Marriage Counseling

The above tools can set the stage to reconnect with your spouse. Be vulnerable with your spouse, create an atmosphere of transparency and seek to trust each other again.

An emotional affair can place your marriage in jeopardy, but it doesn’t have to stay that way. Christian Marriage Counseling is another great option that will help get your marriage back on track and to rekindle that intimacy with your spouse. There’s hope for creating a mutually thriving marriage.