What is Codependency? Am I Codependent?

“Codependency” is almost a catchphrase in popular culture. But what is the clinical definition of codependency, and how can you tell if this problem is characterizing your relationship? Let’s get into the details of what this condition is and how it plays out in real life.

What is Codependency? A Definition

So, when we label someone as codependent, what are we saying about them? In a therapeutic setting, the word is used to describe an unhealthy, one-sided relationship where one person is trying to keep the other one happy.

This kind of relationship inevitably becomes emotionally destructive. The person who is codependent relies on the other person for mood stability and fulfillment. They can’t have personal emotional autonomy.

Signs of Codependency

You might think that codependency is limited to romantic relationships, but this isn’t always the case. In fact, a person who struggles with codependency will often see signs of it in multiple relationships in their life.

Here are some of the traits most commonly recognized in codependency:

• Fear of abandonment
• Being unable to identify feelings apart from the other person
• Constant caretaking
• Fixation on what other people think
• Suppressing emotions
• An intense desire for approval and acceptance
• Lack of a sense of self
• Low self-esteem
• “People pleasing” tendencies – motivated mostly by trying to win others’ approval
• Difficulty making decisions alone
• Having trouble saying no or setting boundaries
• Self-sacrificing to an unhealthy extent

This list presents a starting point, but there are a lot of other traits that are linked to this condition. It’s also possible to be sexually codependent, which will probably manifest itself as feeling uncomfortable with something but not wanting to say no or express your discomfort.

Once these behaviors become deeply ingrained, they can lead to depression or addictions as a result of the repressed feelings involved. Even suicidal ideation has been associated with codependency. It’s not a minor issue at all.

People who realize that they’re codependent sometimes feel so trapped by these long-standing relationship patterns that they feel like it’s hopeless to change. But the truth is, recovery is possible!

Codependency in action often makes it look like you’re being helpful and cooperative. Manipulation and control are often the hidden motivations because the codependent person is acting out of fear. To assuage their worries, they attempt to control how someone else thinks, feels, or behaves.

Sometimes there’s a very legitimate reason for this fear. Perhaps someone who grew up in a violent home is triggered by loud voices, so they attempt to diffuse every situation that could lead to a conflict, even if it means sweeping genuine problems under the rug instead of talking about them.

If you were abused in the past, you might have responded by “walking on eggshells” or trying to control the abuser’s mood. This learned response can become a pattern in your other relationships, even when there is no threat.

This is just one example of how codependency can start, but often it has its roots in childhood experiences, whether abusive or not. Any kind of dysfunction at home can lead to a child feeling the need to control the environment to avoid fearful situations. Control becomes a coping mechanism unless you’ve worked through your experiences and focused on cultivating healthy, balanced relationships.

Codependency vs. Self-Denial in the Christian Life

Loving God and loving other people are the two greatest commandments in the Bible. God commands us to treat others with forgiveness and kindness:

But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. – Luke 6:35

See that no one repays anyone evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone. – 1 Thessalonians 5:15

Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor. – 1 Corinthians 10:24

Selflessness, forgiveness, and humility are all foundational Christian virtues. C.S. Lewis famously said, “Humility isn’t thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less. So how does humility relate to codependency?

Being humble doesn’t mean that you should not take care of yourself. Even Jesus, being fully God and fully man, recognized his limits. He sometimes said no, or withdrew to be alone, and he slept, ate, and rested. He didn’t make himself available 24/7, in spite of his incredible popularity. He had peace in knowing that he was accomplishing the work God gave him to do, not pleasing all the humans around him.

Matthew 5:37 says, “All you need to say is simply “Yes” or “No”; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.” Sometimes just saying yes or no doesn’t seem like enough. We feel a need to justify or explain ourselves because we want to make sure that other people approve of our decisions.

Matthew 5:44 states, “How can you believe, when you receive glory from one another and do not seek the glory that comes from the only God?” This is explicitly telling us that we need to be living to please God and not people. When we become focused on the opinions of others, we will gradually become more distant from God.

If you struggle with people-pleasing instead of living to please the Lord, you aren’t alone. This is a struggle that’s very common.

It’s important to find a balance because when we love someone, we naturally value their opinion, and that’s okay. What we want to avoid is elevating someone else’s opinion to too high of a position in our hearts.

We have to learn to be okay with someone knowing our flaws, giving constructive criticism, or being unhappy with us for any number of reasons, without falling into despair and beating ourselves up.

Other believers who have our best interests in mind can provide companionship and support in our walk of faith, but even they are sinners, and our communication won’t always be perfect. We have to seek God’s glory, not the glory of man, and we will learn to trust his Word more than what other people think.

Codependents’ Guide to the Twelve Steps – Melody Beattie

If you haven’t read this book, it’s highly recommended for anyone struggling with codependency. It provides a guide for working through codependent patterns and behaviors. If you can read it in a group, it can be helpful to see that other people struggle with similar issues. You won’t feel so alone or ashamed of having a hard time in your relationships.

As a codependent, you probably put yourself down a lot, and you may frequently take care of other people while neglecting yourself. Even if you would not meet the full criteria for codependency, it’s possible you may still struggle with some of those mentalities and behaviors.

All of us have room to grow in setting reasonable boundaries and maintaining healthy relationships. This book can help anyone with setting healthy limits in their relationships, which will benefit you and those around you.

What Should I Do Now?

Just like with an addiction, the first step in treating codependency is acknowledging that you are struggling with it, or at least some of the behaviors.

Next, you’ll need to reach out for support, whether from a counselor or mental health expert, a close friend or informal mentor, or through a group such as Codependents Anonymous or Celebrate Recovery. There are many books and other resources you can use to learn more about the condition and start to find healing.

A counselor who specializes in treating codependency can be an invaluable resource on this journey. Having a neutral third party to talk to who is educated in this area can give you the perspective you need to start to make a change in your life and relationships.

Learning healthier habits will not be easy. Codependent behaviors are familiar and deeply ingrained. They are coping mechanisms, and changing them takes a great deal of time, effort, and patience.

Changing your codependent behaviors will affect your relationships. When you set boundaries and start to take care of yourself, you might get pushback from people who are used to being a certain way. Sometimes you may relapse, but this doesn’t mean that you’re not making progress. It does, however, suggest that support and accountability are vital components of recovery.

If your accountability starts and ends with you, it’s hard to continue changing when your motivation wanes (and it will eventually). But if you are accountable to and supported by multiple other people, it’s possible to make these changes last.

If the description of codependency rings true for you and you want to change but don’t know how to start, don’t be afraid to reach out for help. Dealing with codependency alone can be overwhelming, but with healthy support and the grace of God, you can start today to shape healthier relationships and set good boundaries.