Why Pre-Marriage Counseling is a Necessity and Not an Option

For people who have just fallen in love, it seems like all is right in the world. Bad days simply go away when that significant other comes to mind. Their laugh, their smile, their text, or their online message is all that is needed to bring joy to the world.

When people are in love, they do anything for that person. No request seems too difficult. If it makes him or her smile, then it’s all good. Dealing with long commutes or waiting hours for their class or work to finish is a minor thing for as long as you are together for a late dinner. Truly, the wait is well worth it.

Opening Your Eyes

But when people get married, suddenly their eyes become a bit “clearer” to reality. The requests that were not so difficult before have now become a hassle. Rather than going to fetch him or her, people decide to meet halfway to spare the agony of traffic on the streets. Instead of waiting at work, couples say they will just see each other at home.

And what’s worse, bad habits that they chose to ignore in the past are now constantly in their minds. People begin to wonder why they did not see the extent of these differences before.

The Need to Prepare Before Taking That Next Step

Just to be clear: It is great to be in love! Romance is an important part of the relationship. The “spark” that all couples feel is needed to encourage romance and intimacy with someone. However, to ensure that the spark continues on as an enduring flame, much more is required.

As Gary Chapman writes in his book Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married, “Being in love is not an adequate foundation for building a successful marriage.”

Married life is more complex than just candy, flowers, and a lot of “I love you’s”. This is why Christian churches around the world encourage would-be spouses to undergo counseling first before they even set a marriage date.

Sadly, in today’s world of self-help books and Hollywood romance, many believe that pre-marriage counseling is only for last minute wedding reminders or some good “fatherly advice”. In short, they think it is optional. It is only later on in their married life that they realize things could have been different if they were better prepared.

The Importance of Pre-Marriage Counseling

The following are the top reasons why every engaged couple needs to undergo pre-marriage counseling:

1. Because it is an opportunity to grow in love

Generally, when most couples are asked why they are getting married, the usual response is “because they are in love.” They have this feeling inside that they just can’t get enough of. The only seemingly proper response is to tie the knot.

While that image of not being able to resist this magnetic power called love seems quite romantic, it brings about two problems. First, it categorizes love as something that is “felt” rather than something people “do.” If people believe it is just “felt” then it is as if love is passive. The motivation to work on it, to put some effort into it, is lost.

Second, this “feeling of love” places love outside the control of either person, leaving them vulnerable to “falling out of love.” The argument then goes, “If I can’t feel it anymore then it must not have been real or true.” Relationships are then easily destroyed since it only takes a few unhappy days to ruin that “feeling.”

Pre-marriage counseling is an important opportunity to discover means to actively love your partner. Both will get to grow in love through intentional expressions of love and carry this on into their married life. It is an opportunity that should not be missed!

2. Because married life is longer than the wedding day

It is ironic how so much time and money is spent planning the ceremony and even the honeymoon, yet no time is given to serious and guided discussion about what life should be like after the ceremony.

This is why despite having that fairy tale, talk-of-the-town wedding, many couples regret the big decision afterward. Instead, they claim they did not know what they were getting into or they did not truly know the one they decided to marry.

If people can spend months planning that big day (years, if you count the first instances of that hypothetical discussion about marriage you had at your earliest stages of romance), then a few fruitful hours of counseling should not be such a big deal. Pre-marriage counseling should not be skipped – the lifetime together is much more important than the wedding day.

3. Because love really is blind

When people are in those romantic stages of love, they really have a difficult time seeing what’s real. Rather than seeing the faults and accepting them as they are, love can cause us to ignore faults completely or gloss them over because of the other traits.

Now while it is good to magnify the partner’s positive traits, especially in marriage, it will hurt if one does not acknowledge the faults. Pretending faults are not there is not the same as accepting the person for who they are; warts and all.

As the years go by in a marriage, both spouses’ eyes begin to “open” to the truth of what type of partner they have. If those imperfections were not accepted early on, they will return to haunt their married life. Moreover, it is this blindness that often causes hasty marital decisions, disrespecting the covenant of marriage.

Christian pre-marriage counseling provides that chance to know more about your partner and to learn to love him or her in spite of their imperfections. Marriage is supposed to be a lifelong commitment made before God.

When you say “I do”, it should be because you already saw clearly the person you have vowed to marry and that you are prepared to do what it takes to make it work even if there may have been something you missed.

4. Because you need an action plan for conflict

For some engaged couples it can be hard to imagine dealing with major relationship conflict because they have been doing so well (it’s why they want to get married!). But when conflicts arrive in married life, then suddenly their minds change about their spouse. Conflict is inevitable yet important too!

As Gary Chapman writes, “Large or small, all conflicts have the potential of destroying an evening, a week, a month, or a lifetime. On the other hand, conflicts have the potential of teaching us how to love, support, and encourage each other. This is by far the better road to travel. The difference is how you process the conflicts.”

In pre-marriage counseling, couples are prepared to accept this future occurrence and they are asked to come up with an action plan to deal with it. The counselor will train you to listen to one another with empathy and understanding so that you may react with grace, gentleness, and goodwill, allowing a stronger bond to form.

5. Because you need to know how to manage the family funds

One of the biggest family issues is finances. Money is necessary to family life – it needs to be earned; it needs to be saved, and it needs to be used well. While it is not a romantic thing to discuss while preparing for that big day, it is crucial that both spouses know how to deal with the issue.

As two lives are coming together as one, then the resources of both persons should also come together as well. A Christian counselor can greatly assist in helping the would-be spouses to agree upon a financial plan best for their family. This step is vital to ensuring your financial future relational intimacy and peace of mind at home.

6. Because you have different family backgrounds

Much of what people pick up about family life comes from their own family, particularly the parents. This can be seen quite clearly in people’s ideas about what a good husband and wife should be. The effect of this is that spouses come to behave much like their own parents. A wife may act similarly as her mother while expecting her husband to react like her father.

Her husband, however, may have a very different notion as well, based on his own parents. While good things also come out from this mixing of backgrounds, a lot of negatives occur as well. Hence, despite sharing the same core spiritual beliefs, conflict still arises due to unrealistic family expectations.

When you see each other 24/7, it can be difficult to ignore annoying differences. Thus, it helps to have the Christian counselor bring up the different expectations and “standards” people may unknowingly have about the roles of husbands and wives.

This not only pertains to how spouses should treat one another, but also how to raise the children, including discipline, and sometimes even schooling. Discussing such important matters in advance can give a clearer vision of what to do rather than simply crossing the bridge when you get there.

7. Because God honors marriages that glorify Him

Finally and most importantly, everyone must remember that marriage is an arrangement that was designed and ordained by God, and only with His blessing will it thrive. Sadly though, despite the Christian wedding ceremony and the beautiful vows, many couples forget that God must come first in their married life. They have forgotten as well what love should be like.

In the oft-quoted “love passage” in 1 Corinthians 13, Paul describes in beautiful detail what perfect love looks like in action. The standard, however, seems to be so beyond our reach that people are tempted to give up before they even try to live it out.

But God does not leave us to love in our own strength. He is there if couples can remember to place their trust in Him.

Pre-marriage counseling can help the couple live out their marriage in the peace and power of almighty God. This begins with glorifying Him in the relationship and learning how to count on Him in times of difficulty and thanking Him always.

Married life should be one of humility and self-sacrifice that brings honor to our heavenly Father. It is a very challenging calling, but if the Lord has called you to it, then He will empower you as well if you seek Him.

If you or someone you know is engaged to get married, prepare for the life to follow in the right way. Contact a Christian counselor to get a bigger perspective of what you and your partner are about to get into – both the blessings and the pitfalls. In this way, you will not be as surprised about the challenges to come as you discover one another’s differences and deal with life’s obstacles.