Affair Recovery: 5 Questions to Ask After Your Spouse Cheats

(References “NOT ‘Just Friends’” by Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D with Jean Coppock Staeheli)

So your spouse had an affair. How do you start a conversation about what happened? Your mind is full of questions, but you’re also wondering whether you want to know the answers. You might not be sure if you can trust what your spouse has to say in response—after all, they’ve already deceived you. Is affair recovery even possible?

10 Questions to Ask for Affair Recovery to Work

Infidelity expert Dr. Shirley P. Glass has offered 10 discussion questions for couples dealing with the aftermath of an affair. In this article, we’ll cover the first five questions, and we’ll tackle the next five in another post.

1. “What did you say to yourself that gave you permission to get involved?”

By asking this question, you’re seeking to know what your spouse’s motives and thoughts were leading up to the affair.

You might ask, “How did the attraction begin? What excuses did you make to yourself at the beginning of the relationship? Were you more worried about the consequences of unfaithfulness, or did you just not want to get found out?” If you’re able to talk through these questions, you can find out what the specific areas of vulnerability were.

Often, infidelity starts with an emotional attachment, and many times this attachment forms while discussing marriage problems with a member of the opposite sex. This should be avoided at all costs, because it exposes the weaknesses in your marriage and implies that you don’t value it as you should.

These conversations then build intimacy with the person who is listening. “Although women share deep feelings with lots of people, particularly other women, men are usually most comfortable sharing their feelings in a love relationship. As a result, when a relationship becomes emotionally intimate, men tend to sexualize it.” (209)

Another source of temptation is looking for qualities in an affair partner that you’re missing in your spouse. For example, most wives aren’t tempted to cheat unless their marriage is particularly unhappy, which opens them up to developing an emotional relationship with someone else. This emotional connection becomes a substitute for the lack of connection with their husband.

In a man’s case, he might develop a bond with a woman who has a common interest with him that his wife does not. Glass gave an example of a “white knight” relationship—a man who “rescued” his unhappily married coworker who had grown up in poverty. He took her out for meals and gave her gifts that her husband couldn’t provide.

Sometimes, though, an affair is based mostly on physical attraction. We read about this in the story of King David and Bathsheba in 1 Samuel 11. Although we aren’t given insight into David’s thought process, we know he sent for her immediately after seeing her, and there doesn’t seem to have been an emotional connection at that point. He merely saw an attractive woman and used his power to sleep with her.

Talking about the reasons for your spouse’s affair will be painful. But it’s important to understand his or her vulnerabilities to protect against a future affair. “When involved partners share their feelings on this level, they are letting their betrayed spouse inside their mind and reforging their bond.” (209)

2. “After the first time you had sex, did you feel guilty?”

The goal of this question is to get a sense of whether your spouse still possesses any integrity at a heart level. Some people don’t feel guilty about their adultery, while others regret it immediately. And some spouses do have a sense of guilt, but not enough to lead them to true repentance—i.e., giving up the illicit relationship.

Adulterous spouses react in numerous ways to their first extramarital sexual encounter. Some break it off immediately because of intense guilt, while others rationalize what they did. And some spouses return to their affair partner to assuage their self-loathing with another encounter (210).

3. “How could it go on so long if you knew it was wrong?”

The answer is because of the euphoria that accompanies an illicit relationship. In a normal relationship, the infatuation stage doesn’t last much more than a year, but an affair remains thrilling because of the adrenaline and tension involved with keeping it a secret.

“Unfaithful spouses often appear addicted to being addicted to their lovers. They fail in their efforts to end the affair time and time again, pulled back by a magnetic force they can’t seem to resist. Only with great determination are they able to break the spell.” (210)

Unfortunately, the objective knowledge that something is wrong doesn’t prevent the subjective decision to continue the behavior. All it takes is for personal desire to outweigh one’s moral stance.

This is apparent in the story of David and Bathsheba. David knew his actions were sinful, and he desperately attempted to keep the illegitimacy of the resulting pregnancy from being discovered, so he had Bathsheba’s husband killed in battle. But in the beginning, all he thought about was Bathsheba’s beauty and his own desire.

Many times, an affair starts for one reason but continues for another. Sometimes adultery begins as either a casual friendship or no-strings-attached sex, but in either case an emotional bond can develop. In other affairs, an initial emotional connection turned sexual. In many cases, a marital slump leads to one spouse being unfaithful, but even when the marriage improves the spouse doesn’t know how to stop the affair (210).

It’s important to note what made the affair end. The involved spouse will need time to recover from this illicit relationship. They will probably mourn its loss just as they would mourn the loss of a sanctioned relationship. The recovery process will depend on the event that ended the affair. Did your spouse end it themselves, or did they just get caught?

“If the affair ended abruptly, the attachment will be harder to break than if the affair died a natural death. It’s easier to put a relationship behind you if you’re the one who made the decision to leave.” (210)

4. “Did you think about me at all?”

A study cited by Glass says, “87 percent of involved partners think of their lover while with their spouse, but only 47 percent ever think of their spouse while with their lover.” The betrayed spouse may feel that their cheating spouse’s actions were directly hostile to them, but in reality the thought of one’s marriage is far secondary to the infatuation of an adulterous relationship.

“If the unfaithful partner had been thinking about the betrayed partner, he or she wouldn’t have gotten so involved in the first place. The act of infidelity is not about the person who was betrayed–it is about the person who did the betraying.” (210-211)

5. “What did you share about us?”

As we’ve discussed, one of the biggest catalysts for an affair is discussing marriage problems with an attractive third party. It’s understandable that a betrayed spouse will want to know about private marriage issues that were shared with the affair partner. Discussing this can shed light on how emotionally intimate the affair was, and can help the betrayed spouse discern if there’s any remaining loyalty in the marriage.

Some unfaithful spouses share intimate details of their marriage and their spouse’s perceived flaws, but many do not. Affairs do not only happen to unhappy marriages; some cheating spouses even praise their marriages to the affair partner, while others simply compartmentalize the marriage and the affair, refusing to discuss marriage with their affair partner.

“In any case, if you are the unfaithful partner, it’s important for you to talk to your spouse about real problems in the marriage that you’ve discussed only with your affair partner.” (211)

Christian Counseling for Affair Recovery

Talking through the motives and implications of an affair is painful and difficult. Many couples just avoid having these conversations, which inevitably leads to more trouble and misunderstanding. The refusal to talk about an affair is like keeping garbage in a box under your sink and never taking it out. The smell will seep out eventually, and you’ll have a mess on your hands.

These questions by Glass are a good starting point for discussion, but a professional Christian marriage counselor can frame a safe setting and guide you through constructive conversations using a personalized approach. A Christian counselor can help you discern what led to the affair, assist you in repairing your marriage, and guide you in setting up boundaries to prevent future infidelity.