Dealing with Grief: How to Cope

Dealing with grief after the death of a loved one can be a huge heartbreak. This type of grief can bring on different waves of emotions, because you can no longer just pick up the phone and call them.

Death has such a gravity to it because of how finite it is. No longer is there an opportunity for closure or having those final words. The loss of a loved one can be a challenge and trial in life, whether their death was expected or sudden. For some, an expected slow death brings on the challenge of watching someone you care about suffer. When there is a sudden death, there can be a stronger sense of shock.

No matter what position you find yourself in, the most important part is letting God in. In the midst of grief over someone you love, you may shut down, shut off, and shut in. There are moments when you can get stuck in your grief, and if you chose to grieve without God, your suffering can be prolonged.

If you find yourself miserable in your grieving for a loved one, it would be helpful to speak to a professional counselor for extra support. Too often when we are faced with immense pain, our tendency is to suppress our emotions or experience.

We do our best to survive, but some of our coping skills may be maladaptive. This type of maladaptive response can especially happen if you have past trauma or previous unresolved painful experiences, including deaths. The harm we do to ourselves when we suppress our emotions is that we also suppress our nervous system. This suppression can then lead to depression.

The Link Between Grief and Depression

Depression can happen when we stuff or suppress our emotions. Our body keeps score on what we are not willing to face or deal with. Our body needs communication as an outlet for our pain. The best thing we can do is express our fears and emotions. By expressing them and not suppressing them, we find healing. Suppression can lead to depression; instead, we need expression. It’s important to talk through how you are feeling with someone who has a good listening ear. Find someone you can trust, and let it all out.

Journaling can also be a good way to channel how you’re feeling. As another source of relief, you are writing out on paper your innermost thoughts and feelings. Singing is also a good outlet of expression. Some people find singing allows them to release their emotions. The key is expression so that suppression doesn’t lead to depression.

In the New International Version of the Bible, Psalm 30:5b states, “Weeping may last for the night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning.” It’s important to give ourselves time for mourning, knowing that the ‘morning’ brings new beginnings, which can bring a sense of relief. With each passing day, time can bring healing. Crying is also a good way for the body to release it’s own sadness and emotions.

Recently, I found myself having to navigate the pain of losing a loved one. My dear friend and mentor of 18 years, Gloria, was dying of cancer. I found myself feeling heavy everyday in anticipation of her passing. Every morning I would check to see if she made it through the night. This created a “heaviness” inside of me.
I was feeling “stuck,” just waiting. Unbeknownst to me, on the night she would pass away, a friend lent me a DVD called, “I Can Only Imagine.” In case you are not familiar with the song the movie is based on, I will briefly share the background story.

Bart Millard, the lead singer of a Christian worship band, wrote a song inspired by the death of his father. He imagined what it would be like if he were in heaven and found himself standing before God. It’s an excellent story and a very moving movie.

The movie showed the transition cancer took on Millard’s father, until he finally passed away. It’s a moving story of forgiveness and redemption. I cried throughout the whole movie. Tears and gut-wrenching sorrow was being poured out. I needed this. My body needed this release.

The next morning when I woke up, I got the dreaded email I had been anticipating. Gloria’s husband emailed me about how Gloria “fought the good fight, she ran the race, and made it back to the loving arms of our heavenly Father.” It was now time to surrender this finite experience to God.

I think what helped me in my process of dealing with grief was remembering the last conversation I had with Gloria two weeks before she passed. She shared with me how she felt ready to be in heaven. How she felt she fought a good fight, and now she was ready to go and be with God.

I felt peace. I felt resolved. But a couple of days after her passing as I was in the kitchen washing dishes, another wave of sorrow struck me. There I was, on my knees crying out to God, “Why, Father? Why Gloria?” In that moment, something powerful came over me. I heard Gloria’s voice in my thoughts.

You see, Gloria had been by my side during some of my toughest trials. One of the hardest was losing my newborn nephew the week before my wedding. I wanted to call off the wedding because I was overcome by fear and grief. I found myself heartbroken, shocked, and confused. Gloria was right by my side during this time, counseling me with patience and kindness.

She herself had lost some babies, so I knew to just listen and trust. This night on my kitchen floor, I didn’t feel ready to say goodbye to Gloria, but her comforting voice was the same that spoke to me many years before after my nephew’s passing.

What she taught me then was how “we can always ask God, ‘Why?’ but we just can’t demand an answer.” She was helping me learn how to let God into my pain, but not blame Him. She knew the importance of turning to God for strength and being aware of not giving the enemy a foothold over my emotions. This side of heaven we may not understand God’s master plan on why we lose some of the loveliest people too early.

In our earthly nature we may want concrete answers, but God does provide us with some encouragement. When we are dealing with more questions than answers, we can learn to trust in His master plan. Romans 8:28 reads, “and we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.”

The key word for me is “everything.” God doesn’t say maybe, or just a little, but in “everything” He is allowing to happen, is for our “good.” If you find yourself wanting to be mad at God for the loss you are feeling, keep in mind how the enemy deceives us.

In John 10:10, it states how the enemy comes to kill, steal, and destroy, but Jesus comes to give life. The enemy may want to use this grief and loss to damage our faith. Take it upon yourself to go on a spiritual journey with God to find healing and understanding.

The Stages of Dealing with Grief

Another concept to keep in mind is how grief can come in stages. In her stages of grief, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross describes grief in five stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Spiritually speaking, we can look at what each one represents. It’s important to note that you can go through these stages at varied lengths and can become stuck in one along the way.

Denial can happen when we are in a state of shock or unbelief. Anger can happen when resentments surface, or we are looking for someone to blame. Sadly, during this stage is when we often blame God, and get upset at Him for what we’re going through.

Bargaining is when we try to think of “what could have,” “maybe I should have,” “why couldn’t it be someone else?” Depression happens when the sadness and emotions of despair set in. Acceptance is the final stage where we make peace with their passing and submit to the reality of what has happened. We may not feel “great” or be at the same emotional level before the loss happened, but we are more surrendered that they won’t be coming back. Accepting their passing is where we can find peace.

One thing I can witness through grieving is that when I look back, I can see that the pain was not in vain. Gloria would often repeat in our counseling times, “Don’t waste your suffering,” meaning I should use the lessons learned from that pain to one day have a positive impact on someone else around me.
When we grieve, we are in the midst of a painful trial. This experience can become something that gives us empathy and compassion to be there and help someone else when they’re dealing with grief.

Jesus said “here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world” (John 16:33b). Grief and loss will be part of our earthly struggle, but I can take comfort in knowing that Jesus is there to walk with me. He has overcome the sting of death, and I need to tap into His strength.

The Christian Worship band, Hillsong, has a piece titled, “Even When It Hurts (Praise Song).” Their singer, Taya Martin says of the song, “No matter what we’re facing, let His praise be on our lips. Sometimes when we’re on the mountaintop it’s easy to praise God, and then there are other times when it’s actually a sacrifice of praise.”

The song is encouraging us to still praise God, even when it hurts. Our praise cannot be dependent on only good times but learning to turn to God even in times of pain, like losing a loved one. Keep in mind that a sacrifice of praise doesn’t have to look pretty, but that we’re doing our part to connect with God during times of discomfort.

Lastly, when Gloria taught me “don’t waste your suffering,” I didn’t realize it would be a saying that I would be using to help myself cope with her passing. This saying has been instrumental in my life over the years in how it simply teaches me the importance of being vulnerable in sharing my personal experiences with other people.

Even in writing this article, I am using my pain to relate to you my experience with grief. As I write this article, I have just returned from Gloria’s celebration of life. It turns out in her death she continued to powerfully live out her own words of not wasting her suffering. Her husband recalled how “her greatest hour may well have been the last week of her life when she showed us how to die — full of faith, joy, and humor right to the end!”

May we continue to use our own personal journeys in grief and loss as opportunities of personal growth and maturity in our faith.

Grief and sorrow are opportunities to turn to God, even when it hurts, even when it makes no sense, that we can still praise Him. This is a higher calling, but nothing else can bring us the needed comfort if it doesn’t come from our heavenly Father. He is the only one who can fill that void. One of Gloria’s favorite “lifeline” Scriptures that she lived by was Psalm 31:9, 14-15b:

Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am in distress;
my eyes grow weak with sorrow,
my soul and body with grief…
But I trust in you, Lord;
I say, “You are my God.”
My times are in your hands.

She used this Scripture to reference what she called “open hands prayers.” Her encouragement was to let go, trust God, and open our hands to what plans He was placing before us. Our soul can find comfort and peace in God when we come to Him with open hands.