Examples of Emotional Abuse: Types and Effects

When the issue of “abuse” is brought up, what comes to mind is often physical or sexual abuse – situations that evoke a strong reaction from others to help the victim. Emotional abuse, however, is something that not everyone is aware of or something that people may not be willing to acknowledge.

Although people tend to hurt one another in heated circumstances, such is usually an isolated circumstance. Once resolved, then things are okay. But in emotional abuse, the abuser repeatedly tries to manipulate, offend, or demoralize the victim for their own perverted reasons. Such abuse is not just limited to the home, as many may think, it can also occur at school, at work, or even at church.

Emotional Abuse in the Bible

Though Scripture does not specifically mention “emotional abuse,” the Bible is still quite clear about how a person should and should not act. Even if a person does not physically attack their victim, hurtful words and other harmful actions are still very wrong. Here are some important verses about emotional abuse:

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. – Ephesians 4:29

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise adorns knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly. –  Proverbs 15:1-2

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. –  Ephesians 6:1-4

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. – 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Biblically, it is clear that relationships should be grounded in love. This is why it is important to discern whether one’s actions go against this; and whether a classmate, colleague, family member, or friend needs assistance in extracting themselves from an emotionally abusive relationship.

Examples of Emotional Abuse

There are different types of emotional abuse, making it is not always easy to classify or even spot.

Here are some examples of emotional abuse:

Verbal Emotional Abuse

The Bible warns everyone about the power of one’s words. In verbal emotional abuse, words are used to shame or put down the victim.

Among the various forms of verbal emotional abuse, the more recognizable one is when an abuser is always screaming or yelling at their victim, bombarding them with insults. Phrases such as, “Are you stupid?”, “You are a mistake!”, or “The family is better off without you!” can really damage a person’s confidence and self-esteem.

Verbal emotional abuse, however, is not always so obvious. Sarcasm is one surprising form of such abuse as many believe that if something is funny then it must be okay. But most sarcastic comments are often meant to be a put down, disguised in a humorous way. Yet when done regularly, not only do these comments hurt the person’s feelings, it may also destroy their reputation as sarcasm is often used in the presence of others to elicit laughter and approval of what was said.

Another indirect way of such abuse is when the abuser is always trying to control their victim by constantly lecturing them on their faults, rather than helping the person overcome them. Although it is part of parenthood and mentoring to give sermons, there comes a time when compassion is needed. Someone who is emotionally abusive, however, usually chooses to ignore this need as they seek to manipulate, not correct.

A very hurtful form of verbal emotional abuse is when the abuser claims that past faults have been forgiven, giving the victim temporary respite. But in future spats, past grievances are brought up again to shame and control the victim to become subservient once more.

Emotional Abuse through Behavior

Odd behavior and negative actions may also be used to abuse a person emotionally, causing the victim to doubt themselves or feel unsafe. Some abusers regularly use intimidation and fear to get what they want, wrongly believing that since they are NOT physically hurting the other, they are not “crossing the line.”

Another method is through extreme mood swings, from likeable to unlikeable, that can really scare a person into submission (just like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde) as the victim usually wants the abuser to stay “nice.” Though there are mental disorders that can cause a person to act like this, some emotional abusers are aware of the fear that mood swings can generate and willingly use them to get what they want.

A pervasive kind of emotional abuse is when an abuser plays “favorites,” which may be done at home, school, work, or even in one’s church. The abuser regularly compares the accomplishments of their “favorite” against the one they do not like to tear down the victim’s self-esteem.

Emotional or covert incest is a subtler type of abuse that many fall victim to. Here, the relational roles of parent and child may be reversed due to the emotional needs of the parent resulting from spousal problems. For example, a parent may regularly seek emotional assurance of love and worthiness from their child, rather than the other way around.

In other cases, the child becomes the source of “good advice” for adult responsibilities (e.g. budgeting, decision-making). And there are those relationships where the child becomes their parent’s “best friend.” Although many may feel that such closeness is “good,” there is a negative effect on both which may affect them far into the future (e.g. spouses that are dependent on their parent, immature parents).

One other form of emotional abuse through behavior is by offering empty promises, something one would expect from a con artist or a dirty politician. When a parent, spouse, or friend regularly does this, it is clearly a means of manipulating the other. Unfortunately, such actions cause much disappointment and may even rob the victim of hope for a good future, particularly if personal plans and growth were hindered by “promises” that never came.

Emotional Abuse through Neglect

Proper parenting requires that the parent is involved in their child’s life. But when a parent chooses to remove themselves from this role, physically and/or emotionally, then that is a form of abuse. Raising a child is more than just providing basic needs and education; there must be loving interaction, something that everybody needs. Depriving a child of such is neglect.

Similarly, in romantic relationships, emotional neglect occurs when a partner chooses to deny the other of their presence and/or emotions. In such a relationship, it is a given that there must be love and belongingness. Such, however, cannot occur when the other person refuses to give them or believes that there are more important priorities in life than spending time with their partner.

Other Negative Effects

Aside from those mentioned above, there are other negative effects of emotional abuse.

Mental Disorders and Addictions

Years of low self-esteem may lead the emotionally abused victim to fall into depression as they may wrongly believe all the lies they heard from their abuser. Anxiety is another possibility, particularly when the situation calls for some vulnerability on their end (e.g. speaking in front of a crowd, meeting new people). One more problem is addiction as some victims opt to find solace in substance abuse (alcohol or drugs) or other wrong addictions (e.g. gambling, sex, or shopping).

Relationship Effects

Aside from mental disorders, emotional abuse may have other long-lasting effects on one’s relationships such as a lack of intimacy throughout the victim’s life. Whether they are conscious of it or not, many who were emotionally abused often find that it is difficult to get close to others.

For those who are not conscious of it, they may rationalize that no one is “good enough” or that the relationship is becoming too demanding on their time and energy which is why they opt to end it. But for those who remember and acknowledge their abusive past, a lack of intimate relationships occurs because openness and vulnerability scare them, which is why they choose to leave before they get hurt.

However, victims of past emotional abuse who do seek to maintain a relationship often find themselves in codependency. If the abused person did not learn how to become emotionally strong on their own, they may instead constantly seek validation and self-worth from someone else. Unfortunately, such a relationship is often very dysfunctional as the person they seek affirmation from is someone who is abusive and/or extremely dependent (e.g. addicted to something, immature, poor mental health).

Christian Counseling for Emotional Abuse

Despite years of suffering, much can still be done to help someone who has been or is still being emotionally abused. Therapy is available that can help a person come to terms with what was done to them and help them move forward. With the right assistance, a victim can learn how to love themselves and understand that healthy relationships are good and possible.

However, whenever possible, it is best to seek help from a Christian counselor. In Christian counseling, the latest therapeutic techniques will also be used to help the victim overcome the years of hurt and disappointment they experienced. If they are also suffering from issues such as addiction, anxiety, codependency, or depression; these can also be addressed by their Christian counselor.

But most importantly, the faith-based counselor will strengthen the victim’s relationship with God through prayer and meditation on Scripture. A person who has serious doubts about themselves usually has issues with their faith in God, a big reason why setbacks in life have hurt them so deeply. This is why it is necessary for the victim to personally know our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, so that their healing may truly be complete.

God is able to turn past setbacks around if one is willing to accept Him in their life. If you or a friend can relate to these examples of emotional abuse, it is important to get help soon.