Fear of Abandonment in Dating Relationships

Having the “fear of abandonment” while in a dating relationship can leave you feeling vulnerable and insecure. You are eager to commit yourself in a loving relationship, but “what if” thoughts of being abandoned are preventing you from building trust or being able to enjoy creating a companionship.

Lessons to Help You Overcome the Fear of Abandonment

Being a single woman was one of the most challenging seasons of my life. I had to deal with deep reservoirs of insecurity and fear. Looking back on those years, I’ve realized some important life lessons I believe God used to help strengthen me as a married woman today. I’ve organized some of these lessons for you in the hopes that I don’t waste my pain.

Lesson #1 – Enjoy the Wait: Don’t Rush into Anything

Before I found myself in a dating relationship, there were times of singleness. This time conjured up insecure feelings of loneliness and self-doubt. It was hard not being able to control who would reciprocate my feelings of affection.

At the core of someone struggling with the fear of abandonment are the fear of being alone and feeling vulnerable to rejection. In her book, If Men Are Like Buses, How Do I Catch One?, author Michelle McKinney Hammond highlights the importance of enjoying the period of waiting.

I want to highlight this concept, too, in case someone reading this article is currently not in a dating relationship. McKinney Hammond compared the waiting period (when you’re not in a relationship) to a time of rest, just as in how God asked the Israelites to set aside time for the land to rest every seventh year (Exodus 23:11).

Her book is a great resource for Christian single women to read. She helps the reader understand the importance of waiting — not just waiting in a bored wait, but to wait in an active way. To do it with enjoyment.

In my work with other single Christian women, I have heard them complain about this waiting period before marriage as punishment. However, I view it as a time that God uses to deepen His own relationship with us first.
It’s a period that God can use to refine our character and prepare us for the next stages. A time that can enrich us so that we have filled ourselves up with Him enough to help nourish our soul.

Why would God want to give us a relationship with someone if that very relationship would become the next idol in our life that stole more time and connection from Him, our Creator?

I have seen the destructive pattern of men and women filling up the emptiness of loneliness inside them with an ill-suited dating relationship, instead of deepening their spiritual connection to God. The relationship ends up causing even more pain and damage in the long run, rather than enduring the waiting period with God and learning to have Him fill the empty space or hollow feeling of loneliness.

Another metaphor for enjoying the wait is comparing it to just a season in life. We go through seasons in life so that we can grow. A season that can be a tough one is winter. But without the cold and harshness of this season, we could miss out on the benefits it creates in the spring.

An example of the importance of a cold winter can be seen in the planting of a Sequoia tree. These Redwood trees are beautiful, magnificent, and can last up to 3,000 years. These seeds have a better chance of growing if first planted in cold weather, then they can start to germinate when the season gets warmer.

The coldness or loneliness of a season is not a mistake; it’s part of the growing process. A relationship worth having is one that’s worth waiting for — not rushing it, especially through forcing it to happen.

Lesson #2 – When Someone Shows You Who They Are, Believe Them

The threat of abandonment can be real or perceived. It’s important to assess if you are coming into a new relationship with baggage from a previous relationship. Is this causing you to feel controlled by fear?

If you are in a relationship with someone and you are not sure if your fear of abandonment is real or not, this could be a good time to speak with a professional counselor. To have someone who can help you address your concerns in a safe and unbiased environment can be very helpful.

If you are in a relationship with someone who has been unfaithful, you need to take a pause. American storyteller and writer Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” This means to pay attention more to someone’s actions and not their words.

The concept of dating is a more modern practice. If you’re a Christian who is dating, you are using this time to get to know your compatibility in partnership with someone before you commit to marriage. It’s advisable to walk through at least four seasons of life with someone to test the compatibility of the relationship.

I was working with a young woman who began dating a young Christian. He had electric energy, good looks, and a zeal for God. She commented on how at first she hesitated dating him because he was young in the faith and she was a more mature Christian. She also added that he had left the church for a period and had recently returned a year before she met him.

Her other hesitation was how he revealed that he had cheated on his last girlfriend. She was a year into their relationship when he confessed to having an issue with prostitutes due to a sex addiction. She was heartbroken because he had given her a promise ring and she was madly in love with him. She began therapy to wrestle with what she should do about the relationship.

She came to a point where she had to ask herself, “If he never changes, would I still want to marry him?” She finally got to a point where she had the courage to walk away and close that chapter in her life.

In a dating relationship, it’s important to understand that when someone reveals who they are, this is, who they are. Often, whether out of fear of being alone or desperate, we end up settling for someone who we know in our hearts is not the right person. Getting married to someone will not dismiss or cover their character weaknesses. In fact, it might even enhance them.

Lesson #3 – Be Aware of Previous Trauma

In a dating relationship, it’s difficult if past trauma from previous dating relationships surface. Or, it could be trauma from your family of origin and the dysfunction you may have witnessed in your parents’ relationship.

If your fear of abandonment is being triggered by past trauma, this can be a good time to seek professional help. If you carry old wounds from past relationships, it’s important that you don’t filter your new relationship from a lens of mistrust due to previous experiences.

This is also a good time to turn to God for security and confidence. If you find yourself needing constant validation from your boyfriend or girlfriend, and the need to know where they are and who they are with all the time, this could stem from jealousy and insecurity. Truly only God can be our source of security and peace. A relationship cannot give you this form of validation. If your partner has not given you a reason to mistrust them, your fear button might be getting triggered.

Common past hurt in relationships include but are not limited to: abuse in childhood, parents divorcing, having a relationship in the past who was constantly lying or was emotionally abusive, or having been cheated on.

It’s important to recognize when your fear of abandonment is being triggered and explore where this is coming from. Before becoming accusatory of your partner, take time to pray, journal, or talk to a trusted friend in managing what or why this feeling is being triggered.

Lesson #4 – Be Cautious of Sabotage

If you find yourself trying to find a back door in your relationship whenever you’re having a difficult time, be aware and pay attention to it. If you say to your partner, “Well, if I’m too much for you, you don’t have to be with me,” you may be sabotaging your relationship.

Fear of being broken up with can cause you to end the relationship before the other person does. There can be a strong desire to control the outcome of a relationship due to feeling vulnerable. Vulnerability is an important aspect to any healthy relationship. However, if feeling vulnerable causes you to lash out in anger or withdrawal out of fear, then this could be a signal that your fear button has been triggered.

There are also some people who are used to being in unhealthy relationships where they are used to emotional or verbal abuse. When this new relationship is healthier and doesn’t include this type of abuse, some people might start to “stir the pot” in the relationship to receive this negative attention they have been conditioned to.

If you find yourself in a healthy relationship and are uncomfortable with your partner because it feels unfamiliar, beware of sabotaging the relationship. You could hurt a good relationship because of a lack of healthy experiences. It’s helpful to have another couple (preferably form your home church) that can help be a guide or a good sounding board for when unfamiliar issues come up for you.

If you’re in a relationship that may not be working out, perhaps they are the one with past unresolved trauma they are bringing into the relationship. If your partner has decided to end the relationship and you are feeling heartbroken, keep in mind, “rejection is God’s protection.” It could be one of those experiences you look back on and say, “It was a blessing in disguise.”

Lesson #5 – Maintain Your Relationships

The utmost important relationship to maintain when you are dating is with God. He’s your protector, provider, comforter, and guide. If this relationship grows weak, you will get derailed.

A healthy practice is having an unhurried time every day in communion with God. Reading His word and talking to Him through prayer keeps you connected to the ultimate source of love.

Revelations 2:4 (NRSV) warns us about giving up on our relationship with God: “But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first.” Truly our walk with God will help us to get our needs met through Him versus trying to get them met by our partner.

Psychologist Dorothy Tennov describes the early part of a relationship, the intense “can’t get enough of you” vibe or infatuation, as “limerence.” During this early stage of a relationship, a couple can be so caught up with each other that they can let their other friendships fall by the wayside.

However, these relationships are an important component to maintaining emotional equilibrium. These other friendships provide an outlet that your dating relationship can’t give you. Making time now to maintain relationships while you are dating helps to ensure that later when you need them, they haven’t been ignored. Expressing our experiences to a trusted friend can help alleviate our nervous system from depressing.

Maintaining healthy relationships takes effort and practice. Continue to believe in your worth in having and giving healthy relationships. Even if your fear of abandonment button gets pressed – you now have some helpful tips on how to best mange your responses. We may not be able to control what circumstances might trigger us, but we can control how we react when it happens.

Now, years away from having experienced the loneliness of being single, I look back on this time with gratitude, because it taught me how to turn to God for my security and confidence. In my marriage I don’t find myself seeking validation from my husband. I know this is due to the character growth that came out of those single years.