Surviving Infidelity: What it Takes

An act of unfaithfulness by a spouse brings devastation to a marriage. Surviving infidelity is often not possible, due to the breach of core trust and the pain that it brings. This is likely the reason why it is given as the only biblical grounds for divorce, as the searing hurt rips apart the marital bond.

An affair does not have to be physical to be considered infidelity, and an emotional affair can yield as much brokenness in a marriage. That said, surviving infidelity is possible, provided that the following elements are in place:

Ownership and repentance

There is only hope of a marriage surviving infidelity if the spouse who committed adultery is willing to take responsibility for their actions and demonstrates repentance. This is the starting point – it takes two people to rebuild a marriage and the one who broke it needs to rise up and take ownership over its recovery.

While there may be reasons that led to the act of betrayal (perhaps their needs weren’t being met, there was a lot of anger and resentment in the marriage, etc.), these in no way make the infidelity permissible, and they need to take full responsibility for their choice.

A willingness to self-examine

Linked to this idea of taking ownership, for a chance of surviving infidelity to exist, there needs to be a willingness for the partner who cheated on their spouse to examine their actions, and the heart behind them. This will mean delving into deeper issues – things like pride, entitlement, selfishness, anger – and how their background and family of origin might be linked to the choice they made.

Genuine sorrow

When an affair is discovered, the spouse who betrayed their partner may feel upset. Part of this might be linked to the fact that they’ve been found out and that there are consequences to their actions. Their children are likely to be angry and upset with them, and if they have to move out there are financial repercussions.

Surviving infidelity takes a lot more than being sad you’ve messed up and have been caught: the adulterer needs to show genuine sorrow for the pain they’ve caused and the damage that has been done.

An attitude of forgiveness

The response of the spouse who was on the receiving end of adultery is equally important when it comes to surviving infidelity. While forgiveness may not happen quickly or easily, they need to be open to the process of walking the road toward this goal.

If the affair has left them bitter and unable to even open up to their spouse, then it is difficult for reconciliation to begin. The hurt spouse must be given time to deal with the traumatic event, and to come to a place where they feel that they can move forward toward mending the broken marriage.

Open to the healing journey

Both individuals need to be open to do whatever it takes to bring about healing. Surviving infidelity is not about putting a bandage on the wound and soldiering on; it’s going to be a painful process of being honest about hurt and anger, as well as a willingness to look at the reasons why the affair happened in the first place.

While it could simply have been the result of giving in to temptation and poor self-control, adultery is often the result of a stagnant marriage that leaves partners open to straying.

Perseverance for a bumpy ride

One thing that surviving infidelity won’t be, is a smooth, easy ride. It’s going to be a stop-start process that might take a long time, and both partners in the marriage need to be willing to buckle up. There’s going to have to be a lot of empathy, compassion, and patience for the trust bond to be rebuilt.

The betrayed spouse may get retriggered with old memories or current reminders, and the strayed spouse will have to do what it takes to help them move past this. This is not a journey that has a high chance of success without the power of prayer – both individuals will need to ask God for help, and His grace, at every turn.

A marriage that has worked through surviving infidelity can be healthier and stronger than ever before, and being able to stay the course and keep the marriage covenant is a worthy prize. To get to this point, it is highly recommended that a couple seek biblical counseling, to be held accountable and to receive guidance and support.

If you are ready to seek biblical counseling to begin the healing of your marriage, give our office a call today.