Coping with Infidelity: 10 Steps for Affair Recovery

One of the most devastating things to happen in a Christian marriage is an affair. Rather than relying upon one another fully for love, protection, and support; one of the spouses has opted to seek those things from another, breaking their sacred vow to God and to their partner.

Despite this terrible circumstance, believers are expected to not immediately jump ship like those around them.

But is there really any hope? Can spouses learn to forgive and move on from such betrayal? The answer to these questions is yes if they are truly repentant and willing to do what it takes to make things right.

Ten Steps to Affair Recovery

Here are ten important steps to recovering from an affair:

1. Humbly Ask for Forgiveness

The first step for any hope of reconciliation is for the one at fault to humbly ask for forgiveness from their spouse. Even if they claim their transgression was a result of the negative things their spouse did prior to the affair (e.g. constant nagging, lack of affection), there must be true humility when seeking forgiveness else the marriage may become irreparable. And since many others are often involved, such as the children and in-laws, a truly contrite heart will also seek forgiveness from them as well.

Although admitting one’s fault is a very difficult thing to do, it is a necessary step. How can one’s spouse (or any person who was betrayed for that matter) trust again if the one at fault is not willing to humbly admit their mistake? Such a disposition may mean that there is still too much pride within which is a huge barrier to inner change and the repair of the marriage.

2. Seek Marital Counseling

Recovering from an affair is something that cannot just be done by the couple themselves. As a major act of betrayal that goes against the lifetime promise they made to God, and to one another; the help of a pastor or a Christian counselor is needed to guide the couple and ensure that positive steps are being made.

In a neutral environment with an impartial referee, chances are that the couple will be able to openly voice their concerns, knowing that there is someone who will step in if things become too heated. Biblical guidance is also necessary so that the couple can remember that their vow to one another was made both before God and to God.

Being reminded of this covenant with God will encourage them to fix the bond between them. And of course, there is much practical advice that the pastor or Christian counselor may give based on the experiences of other couples they have counseled. Such advice is helpful as the couple may need to try other methods to rekindle the love between them.

3. Openly Share Your Hurts

One reason why some marriages reach that point of betrayal is that spouses experience many levels of hurt – some openly expressed, others kept silently within. Thus, during the counseling sessions, both spouses need to share what is bothering them about their relationship. If not, any unexpressed hurt, big or small, may come back to haunt their marriage.

Obviously, the offended spouse will have much to share since they were the one betrayed. But even the offending spouse may have had their share of pain which their partner may not be aware of. However, this should never under any circumstances be considered as an excuse for cheating.

4. Be Willing to Listen and Admit Mistakes

Pride is always a big stumbling block in relationships since very few are willing to listen and admit their wrongdoings. This becomes doubly hard when trying to fix a marriage since spouses may try to pin the blame on one another (which is why the pastor or counselor is there to referee).

If there is to be any hope of true reconciliation, both spouses must be willing to listen with open minds and hearts and then confess whatever sins they have committed. It could be something seemingly small like not appreciating the little efforts made on a daily basis or something much bigger like withdrawing affection or always comparing their spouse to another. Without such humble admission, it becomes crystal clear that a spouse’s personal pride stands in the way of true reconciliation.

5. Identify and Correct Negative Patterns

Prior to nearly every affair, there were negative patterns in the marriage that weakened the love, affection, and trust of each spouse. So rather than striving together as husband and wife, such marriages just ended up in “survival mode” for the sake of the kids or not to lose face, creating tempting openings for an affair with someone who is “more loving” or “more understanding.”

For example, in today’s very busy, technological world, many spouses find that they do not spend enough time together. Instead, work often gets in the way, possibly even on the weekends. And when at home, there are chores and making time for the kids. Although this may seem like the usual sacrifice parents have to make, this cycle of busyness can lead to loss of affection for one another.

Another wrong pattern is the lack of intimate discussion about the spouses’ hopes and dreams as individuals and as a couple. As family life becomes the priority, spouses may choose just to discuss the kids or the bills. Sadly, spouses then find themselves sharing their personal aspirations with somebody else.

And then there is the problem of social media where it seems that everyone is too busy staring at their gadgets rather than talking to one another. Technology also makes it easier to browse and connect with whoever has become a “temptation,” making illicit affairs more possible than ever before.

In counseling, these negative patterns must be seriously discussed; and healthier solutions need to be formed. Although the counselor may give very helpful input about developing more positive patterns, it is good if the suggestions can come from the spouses themselves as they are more aware of their family’s dynamics. This will also give them a sense of ownership.

6. Schedule and Stick to the Proposed Intentional Time Together

As a part of the positive pattern changes, it is crucial for the couple to have intentional time together and ensure that they stick to what they agree upon. Emotions are hard to control. One cannot just say, “Okay, what has happened is wrong. Let us forget what happened and be a happily married couple once more.”

Because of the affair and the many negative patterns prior to it, spouses may feel like they no longer know one another or they may feel that lack of intimacy. So intimacy, respect, and trust need to be restored through intentional face-to-face moments together (dates and discussions), very similar to when they were first getting to know one another.

If the kids are aware of the affair, they need to know that their parents must have alone time together. This will help alleviate the children’s fears of separation if they can see their parents talking to one another and going out on dates.

7. Forgive and Move Forward

Although it may be easy to say the words, forgiveness is rarely ever easy to do within. But without it, there can never be any true reconciliation.

Despite the difficulty, spouses need to decide to forgive one another and refrain from bringing up the past pain over and over again. They must instead focus on the positive goal of being a loving family once more. If not, there will be much bitterness and the couple may instead shift their minds towards separation.

For this, much prayer is needed. But as hearts are softened, true forgiveness can be achieved.

8. Be Understanding of Each Other’s Grieving Process

A common hindrance to recovery is the timeline as to when a spouse has truly overcome what has happened. Grieving does not end the moment a spouse chooses to forgive. While some may be able to move forward after a few weeks or months, others might take much longer.

It should be noted that it is not always the one who was betrayed that may take longer to recover. Sometimes the negative patterns prior to the affair (e.g. harsh or humiliating words, withdrawal of affection) were so painful that the offending spouse may need more time to regain their inner balance.

Time is necessary for emotions to heal. So a spouse should not become resentful if they find that it is taking their partner much longer to recover.

9. Find an Accountability Partner

A vital part of recovery is for each spouse to find an accountability partner that may encourage them to keep moving forward despite difficulties. This trusted friend (preferably of the same sex to avoid future affairs) can help ensure that the suggested positive changes are being made.

The accountability partner, for example, can ask, “What will you be doing for your anniversary?” or “Have you had your face-to-face time this week?” In many romantic relationships, such inquiries, small nudges, and even difficult questions are often more welcome from a concerned friend rather than one’s significant other as it feels more like “nagging” if it comes from the latter.

And if things are not going well, the accountability partner can be someone to open up to about what is bothering them about the situation. Together they can then brainstorm on a solution and pray about what needs to be done.

10. Remember and then Abide by Your Covenant

Finally, as believers, the spouses need to remember that their marriage covenant is not something that should be lightly changed or cancelled. It is a promise to belong to one another for a lifetime. It is a promise to thrive together and uplift one another ‘til death do they part.

If this is clear, then the spouses will need to invest their time, emotions, energy, finances, and skills into their marriage. If not, then their union will remain a miserable one.

And of course, they must always recall that this promise is one first made to God, before each other. By not doing their individual best to make things work, they are disappointing Him more than their partner. It is a promise that each spouse should be very careful about honoring.

Christian Counseling for Affair Recovery

If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar and His word is not in us. – 1 John 1:8-10

Although it is a very sad and heartbreaking situation to be in; a Christian marriage can survive an affair. Both spouses, however, need to commit to working things out in counseling and at home.

Aside from the practical advice given from years of experience handling similar broken relationships, in Christian counseling, the counselor will also use the latest therapeutic methods to get to the underlying issues. Many times these unsaid feelings and past hurts may be so deeply rooted that it may be difficult for the spouse to just share them openly, especially if they can be traced back to their childhood pain. This is why it is good to have a trained counselor involved.

But most importantly, the faith-based counselor will reconnect the spouses to the love and mercy of God through prayer and meditation on Holy Scripture. As their hearts and minds draw closer to God, their marital bond will become stronger as they finally begin to understand what it is that God asks from every married couple. Furthermore, only He can give the grace needed for each partner to forgive one another and move forward together.

If you or a friend requires help in restoring a marriage after an affair, seek Christian counseling soon. As the author of marriage, His wisdom and guidance are needed for a joyous marital life.