Exchange Your Codependent Relationship for an Identity in Christ

Close, meaningful, and one-of-a-kind relationships are a good thing. Even relationships where you know each other “inside and out” or possess the art of being able to finish one another’s sentence are awesome. Yes, knowing a person well and feeling connected is a wonderful thing all the way around. In fact, it was God’s design for us to be in close relationship with others. He calls it good.

What’s not good, however, is codependency in a relationship. This type of relationship is unhealthy for each individual in the codependent relationship. It’s also unhealthy for the relationship as a whole.

Some people mistake codependency for an overflow of love existing in the relationship, when in actuality it is really a relationship based on unhealthy need. Love certainly may exist in the codependent relationship, but need is the dominant element.

The ‘need’ in this case is for an outside person to provide one’s self with a sense of well-being and/or a sense of identity. The biblical problem with this (in addition to its negative effect on the health of all parties), is that the only person we’re to ever ‘need’ or ‘depend’ upon for our sense of well-being and identity is Jesus Christ.

In this article I will discuss what codependency is and what it often looks like in relationships. Then I will discuss how Jesus longs for us to look to Him as the primary Provider for all of our needs, whether they be a sense of worth, a feeling of safety, receipt of love, or determining our values and identity, etc.

What is Codependency and What Does it Look Like?

Codependency is a function of a person not possessing internal resources within himself to feel confident, secure, make good decisions, etc. Codependency can also stem from a person not having developed a solid sense of self or identity and, as a consequence, coming to depend on an outside person to supply his identity and/or complete him.

In optimal settings, infants, toddlers, children, and adolescents will develop a certain degree of healthy internal resources from the people in their environment. With that being the case, they are equipped for adulthood and most likely will not become part of a codependent relationship.

So, what are some of the characteristics and/or behaviors we might see in a person who is codependent? In other words, a person who is trying to compensate for a lack of what’s missing internally by securing it externally. A list of what we might see follows. Please note, I’ve phrased these characteristics/behaviors from the ‘I’ stance for the purpose of discovering whether any of them resonate with you as you read them.

• I assume responsibility for others’ feelings and/or behaviors.
• I alter my schedule all the time to make sure I can be with you.
• I am afraid of being hurt and/or rejected by others.
• Other people’s actions and attitudes tend to determine how I respond/react.
• I put my values aside in order to connect with you.
• My fear of rejection determines what I say or do.
• My self-esteem is bolstered by outer/other influences. I’m unable to acknowledge good things about myself.
• I don’t want to do anything independently of you. It wouldn’t have much meaning if I did.
• I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship.
• My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you.
• I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel.
• My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you.
• My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you.
• I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own.
• I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations way too long.
• I have difficulty making decisions.
• I get jealous when you do things with other people.
• I judge everything I think, say, or do harshly, as never “good enough.”
• I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel.
• I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
• I question or ignore my own values to connect with significant others.
• I value others’ opinions more than my own.
• I am not aware of what I want—I am aware of what you want.
• Your behavior is dictated by my desires as I feel you are a reflection of me.
• I tend to conform myself to whatever you want in order to maintain the relationship.
• I feel lost and disconnected when you go out of town.

The theme that reveals itself over and over with these codependent characteristics and behaviors is the one of being reliant on another individual. As children it is normal and age-appropriate that we be reliant on others for a variety of things in our lives: help in making decisions, feeling safe, being confident, discerning our feelings, and knowing who we are. But according to God’s design, once we reach young adulthood, it is appropriate for us to gradually become less reliant on caretakers and increasingly reliant on our own internal structures.

For example, six-year-old Johnny may need his mom to repeatedly watch him jump off the diving board into the swimming pool ten times in order for him to feel confident and proud of himself. But hopefully Johnny, by the time he is 36, will have a sense of confidence about himself, thereby not needing everyone at the barbeque to cheer for him each time he takes the plunge.

Simultaneously, ten-year-old Claire may feel a little lost with her feelings for a time when her parents go away for the weekend and leave her with a babysitter. But if she develops in a healthy way, at 28 years of age she won’t be overcome with a sense of emptiness when her husband leaves town for a two-day business trip.

Yes, God’s expectation as we develop into an adult is that we no longer rely on other people to make us feel complete and give us our sense of identity. He does not want us to be codependent. Simultaneously, though, God does not expect us to be totally autonomous either. That certainly wasn’t His design.

So where am I leading us? If God doesn’t want us to be codependent, yet He doesn’t want us to just look to ourselves for our intrinsic needs, what’s the deal? God, in His great love for us, wants us to look to Him and the sacrifice of His son, Jesus Christ, for our sense of worth, our identity, and our good feelings.

Aside from when we’re dependent on others as a child, this is the only time and only relationship where God desires that we be totally dependent on an outside source. He knows that He is the only One who can provide us with true freedom, wholeness, and the knowledge that we are complete.

It’s only through Him that we can feel secure in who we are. A codependent relationship will never in a million years provide the peace, love, and security that knowing our identity in Jesus provides.

The Great Exchange

So, let’s take a look at who we are in Christ. What is this supreme identity that God grants us once we accept Jesus as Lord and Savior? What is this identity that can make even a position in the Royal Family of England seem commonplace?

First, we are children of the most high God. When we accept Jesus as our Savior, we become a part of God’s family. And how can we be anything but special and beautiful if we are a child of God?

In 1 John 3:1, the Apostle John states, “See how great a love the Father has bestowed on us, that we would be called children of God; and such we are.”

We are also ‘complete’ when we enter a relationship with Jesus. Colossians 2:10 reads, “And in Him you have been made complete.” Another person cannot do that. A best friend cannot complete us. A marriage partner cannot complete us. The most codependent relationship in the world cannot make us complete. Only Jesus is able to do that. What’s more, is that He longs to do that. He knows the richness that being complete in Him offers.

When we are in Christ and, according to John 15:14, we obey His commands, Jesus says that we are His friend. Wow! When I think of friends, I can think of no better friend than Jesus to have your back! The One who holds all power, makes the demons tremble, and constantly makes intercession for us, would be a good friend, indeed.

I’ve had friends who will drive long distances to help me. I’ve had friends who have given me expensive and beautiful gifts. I’ve had friends who have cried with me and helped me through emotional struggles. But none of them, as awesome as they were, can compare to the friendship that Jesus offers us.

And when we choose to have our identity in Jesus, we are loved with the most extraordinary love that will ever exist. Colossians 3:12 confirms this by telling us we are “chosen of God, holy and dearly loved.”

Romans 8:38-39 emphasizes the greatness of His love by letting us know that there is nothing that can separate us from it. “Neither death, nor life, nor angels nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created things, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Now, that is love!

So much of what is sought after in a codependent relationship is a sense of peace. The codependent person is not at peace within himself and searches for it outside of himself. The beautiful thing about walking with Jesus is that He gives us His peace. No longer do we have to search for it in all the wrong places. Besides, a person can never provide true peace anyway.

In John 14:27, Jesus states, “Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.”

Having our identity in Christ will also supply us with a sense of adequacy. Codependent people often do not feel good about themselves, feeling they are not enough, not likable, or unworthy. All of these could not be further from the truth, though, when we are a child of God. The Apostle Paul makes that very clear in 2 Corinthians 3:5, where he states, “Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God.”

With all of the truths above being said, I want to invite any of you who have identified yourself as codependent to exchange your codependency for a relationship with Jesus. He can and will do above and beyond what you can imagine if you choose to let go of your compromised identity and let Him give you an identity based in Him. It’s the only dependency and the only identity that will ever truly satisfy you.

Get Help for Your Codependent Relationship with Christian Counseling

If you are finding after reading this article that you may want professional help to overcome codependency, I encourage you to reach out to a professional therapist. A therapist is trained to help you uncover the underlying reasons for your codependency and to help you develop the internal structures to become more confident and self-sufficient.

If you do choose to seek help from a therapist, I highly encourage you to select a therapist that brings Christianity into the work. I believe that the most important piece to shedding codependency is replacing it with truth.

Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. A Christian therapist can help you do the psychological, clinical work, while also supporting you in your quest to find your identity in Christ. Exchange what is limiting you for what will enrich you.