Navigating Codependent Relationships with Grace and Wisdom

Codependent Relationships Defined

You may have first heard of the word codependency in the 1980s in the context of alcoholism and drug addiction. A “codependent” referred to the spouse or family member of someone who was struggling with substance abuse.

To be “codependent” meant that the family member changed their life to adapt to the addict’s problem. As the addict’s life continued to go downhill as a result of their substance abuse, the codependent would attempt to offset the impacts of the addiction by over-functioning. This resulted in the codependent person being portrayed as a hero who was rescuing the addict.

It may seem confusing at first as to why it is considered unhealthy, The fact is that codependency prevents an addict from being confronted with the consequences of his or her behavior, unintentionally blocking them from opportunities to change. A codependent does not realize that their “helping” is actually hurting the addict.

The person addicted to one or more substances may have the more obvious problem, but a codependent is also addicted—in their case, to the sense of being in control.

Substance addiction clearly reveals this dynamic in any relationship. Studying the intricacies of codependency can shed light on how to develop healthy boundaries, especially in Christian relationships.

None of us are above the enslavement of addiction. In Romans 6:17, we read, “…though you used to be slaves to sin, you have come to obey from your heart the pattern of teaching that has now claimed your allegiance.”

As Christians, we are being conformed into the image of Christ as His servants, instead of being slaves to our sinful natures. Any addictions we struggle with should be dealt with in the context of relationships with other believers.

In the New Testament, we find many exhortations using the language of “one another,” reminding us that God’s design is that we help each other grow in our faith. For example, we are to encourage, restore, teach, train, rebuke, admonish, and remind one another, with the goal that we all come to depend more on God than on any human being.

Codependents often have many attractive characteristics that draw others to them socially. They are often hard workers who seem caring and trustworthy, and they take on the task of ensuring others’ well-being. These characteristics may seem like admirable marks of maturity.

But we see in the teaching of Jesus that trees are known by their fruit, meaning that a person’s heart is revealed by their actions. Sometimes this can be seen when a person overworks themselves doing so much “ministry” that they end up with a stress-related illness.

In Matthew 25:9, Jesus introduces the parable of the ten virgins. In this parable, the foolish ones run out of the oil they need, so they ask the wise ones for some of their oil but are told they need to procure it for themselves.

Ultimately, each one of us is responsible for our own faith and well-being, and we can’t expect to meet someone else’s deepest spiritual needs. Trying to do so is a sign of foolishness, not wisdom.

Holy Spirit vs. Depending on Flesh

“This is what the Lord says: ‘Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who draws strength from mere flesh and whose heart turns away from the Lord’” (Jeremiah 17:5). We can clearly see here that we are not to put our full hope in any person as opposed to the Lord. God wants us to depend on Him.

You may have heard the old saying, “The Christian life is just one beggar showing another beggar where to get some bread.” If you find yourself wondering whether you’re helping someone in a healthy way, ask yourself whether you’re trying to be the bread to satisfy that person’s hunger, or if you’re just pointing them in the right direction.

Once you’ve answered that question, and you’re confident you’re showing them where to get bread, ask yourself if the person is now working to feed themselves, or whether they’re still depending on you.

The apostle Paul says in Philippians 2:12, “Continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling.” James says in James 1:2-3, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.”

These passages reveal that there’s much more to seasons of trial in our lives than we can see on the surface. God is working our struggles and suffering for His own good purposes, one of which is to draw us to Himself. We preempt this process when we jump in and tell another person exactly what they should do.

Giving quick answers and thinking for someone is a way of implying that they can’t figure it out on their own. This doesn’t mean we can’t ever correct or teach someone, but it should remind us to be careful with our attitude and our approach. Am I just giving them the answer, or am I helping them find it for themselves?

In counseling, this often looks like reminding someone to seek God first, rather than jumping in with immediate answers. This keeps the relationship on a spiritual level instead of a codependent one. You can ask if the person would like to pray with you, or you can offer to pray for them. You can discuss Scriptures together and ask them to share what they’re learning or whether they’ve gone to God’s Word for help.

Healthy relationships in the context of the local church should always have the aim of encouraging and building one another up in Christ, not setting ourselves up as the authority with all the answers.

In the story of Job, his friends struggled to understand the theological issues surrounding his trials. Instead of encouraging him to seek God, they simply took on the role of a judge to condemn him. Since they did not comprehend God’s will, they relied on their own logic instead.

We want to avoid codependency so that we don’t take away the opportunity for someone else to learn how to depend on the Lord.

Motives of the Codependent

“What a person desires is unfailing love; better to be poor than a liar.” – Proverbs 19:22

“One who is full loathes honey from the comb, but to the hungry even what is bitter tastes sweet.” – Proverbs 27:7

I love these verses from the book of Proverbs because they show how humans conceal their desire for love. In the first verse, we see the core human desire for steadfast love, which can’t ever be given perfectly by another human. If we don’t feel loved, we’ll often use something like money to give ourselves a sense of security.

In the next verse, we see a person who is so hungry that they are eager to eat subpar food. In both passages, the heart behind codependency is revealed. The codependent wants so badly to be loved that they try to find fulfillment in something other than God Himself.

Since our world is fallen, all of us have some level of dysfunction in our family of origin. None of us were perfectly loved by our parents or other family members.

Depending on the level of dysfunction in our upbringing, we may struggle with feeling unvalued or unworthy as a person. People who are prone to being codependent are often searching for a sense of worthiness that they didn’t feel while growing up.

Often, the church becomes the context for proving one’s personal value. Workers are always needed, and a codependent can be admired and lauded for his or her efforts. They can feel needed and admired the harder they work, constantly chasing that feeling of self-worth.

Moving past this into a place of maturity requires a person to experience the love that they can’t earn and that isn’t performance-based. This comes only through the grace of God and the agape love of other believers in Christ.

That’s why if we are abiding in God’s unconditional love, we won’t feel the need to be codependent, or to control what others think about us, or to be involved in church as much as possible to prove our worth. We can serve with a heart of gratitude and love, instead of being motivated by our drive to feel valued.

Jesus’ disciples asked Him about the Pharisees, whose focus on outward behavior became a stumbling block to others. He said, “Leave them; they are blind guides. If the blind lead the blind, both will fall into a pit” (Matthew 15:14).

With God’s unconditional love rooted deep in our hearts, we won’t feel the need to compel others to be “okay” by depending on us. Our worth comes from God, and we can trust Him to work in the hearts and lives of those around us.

Church Culture: Dependency vs. Interdependency

This leads us to ask how healthy interdependency looks in church culture as a whole. If we keep our eyes on Jesus and how He operated as a leader, we will be able to function in a healthy way. Throughout the gospels, Jesus asked pointed questions of His disciples and the crowds who were listening to Him:

• Why are you so afraid? (Matthew 8:26)
• Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? (Matthew 7:3)
• Who do you say I am? (Matthew 6:15)
• Why then is it written that the Son of man must suffer much and be rejected? (Mark 9:12)
• Do you want to get well? (John 5:6)

Although Jesus had sovereign knowledge of all things, He asked many questions. These questions were a tool for His listeners to search their own hearts and minds, rather than simply having knowledge imprinted onto them without including their own reasoning process.

As we seek to live out the “one another” commands in the Bible, we need to remember that we can be resourceful, but not the source. Jesus is the source of salvation and truth, and He commands us to point others to a relationship with Him. God is the only one on whom we can ultimately depend, and our relationships with the people around us should be interdependent, while we all depend on Him first and foremost.

An older pastor gave this advice to a younger pastor: “The main thing you will give your congregation – just like the main thing you will give God – is the person you become.” Or as we say in recovery circles, “You can only do one recovery at a time… your own.” The prerequisite for healthy, interdependent relationships is an awareness of what God is doing in our own lives and a deep connection with Him that we can direct into the lives of others.

Addict groups also use the concept of the “I, me, and my” rule to prevent them from taking responsibility for one another’s problems instead of working on themselves: no one is allowed to give advice or lecture anyone else.

So why meet in groups? Why have community? Recovery groups show us that the power of community isn’t in fixing one another, but in sharing what we are learning and how we are changing in our own lives. As believers in Christ, we can carry this concept into our relationships with each other. Sharing what God is doing in our hearts and lives can make a profound impact on those around us, without us trying to solve all their problems for them.

Helping others is a natural human instinct, and it is also a spiritual gift that can be used for good. But there is danger in helping as well; we must guard our motives to ensure we are not helping others just to feel better about ourselves. This can turn the blessing of help into a curse!

Genuine help necessarily leads people to depend on God, not on a person. Focusing on interdependency in our church relationships allows us to encourage and support one another to grow in our dependence on the Lord.

It can be tempting to try to give someone all of your thoughts and answers when they are sharing their struggles with you, but instead, cultivate an attitude of humility and focus on pointing them to God.