Parenting Teens: 5 Things Parents Need to Know

Parenting teens is anything but easy, and nothing could induce most adults to redo their teenage years. Every adult knows how challenging it is for teens to go through the adolescent stage. Adolescence, which lasts from as early as 8 years all the way through to 25, can be brutal.

But it is not just the teens who have it rough – it is arguably an even harder task for the teenager’s parents. In a split second your adoring child can go from the blues to being a total stranger who sees you as their enemy.

The entire family is affected while the teen tries to find bearing in a new world. Hopefully, this article will provide parents with some much-needed tips for navigating this challenging phase of raising children.

The tips include: not taking it personally, setting realistic and healthy expectations, understanding the purpose, encouraging self-esteem, and the Eight Anchors for Adolescent Growth from Carl Pickhardt’s book, Surviving Your Child’s Adolescence. To say that it will be easy would be a lie, but if you follow the tips shared below, it will reduce the stress you suffer during your children’s teen years.

5 Tips for Parenting Teens

Tip 1: Don’t take it personally

Carl Pickhardt, in his book, Surviving Your Child’s Adolescence, describes the adolescent stage as the time when your dog turns into a cat. Today, your relationship with your dog is cozy and nice and tomorrow your dog has become a cat who sulks and only responds to your affection when he chooses to. Welcome to the teen years!

The best advice for you as a parent is to never take things personally. Carl Pickhardt puts it this way, “Because parenting is a position of partial influence, parents need to limit their sense of responsibility. They can never know enough. They cannot fully protect any more than they can fully prepare.”

As tempting as it is, do not attach your sense of self-worth to the success or behavior of your children. The assumption that you must be a perfect parent often leads you to think that you must raise a perfect teenager – and this is an unrealistic expectation for you as a parent and also for your teen.

Parents who take up the pressure of raising perfect children end up feeling empty and defeated because ultimately, your children will encounter some challenge that is way beyond your ability to handle.

The best thing you can do as a parent is to support and be there for your children during this challenging stage. As long as you have your support anchored in God, spouse, and other support systems, you can rest assured you are doing your best – even when your teens think otherwise.

Naturally, it can be painful to watch as your teen withdraws from family, goes through mood swings, and starts to challenge authority. But know that many others share the same struggles.

Tip 2: Setting of realistic and healthy goals

A common mistake parents make is to assume that their beloved child will always act in a loving way and cherish their company. Granted, there are some parents who are lucky enough to get such teens but most teens will pass through a stage of desiring space and distance from parents and family. Knowing and appreciating that this is just a part of growing up will help you not to discipline your teens for behaving like teens.

Pickhardt discusses five important realities during the adolescent stage. Sadly, these are realities that every parent has to come to terms with. The first reality is ignorance. As Pickhardt points out, a child often becomes less communicative during adolescence.

You will be left in the dark as far as much of their life is concerned. As your teen differentiates from the family in a bid to find their identity, you will no doubt feel estranged. You might notice your teen taking interest in activities that are not in the normal family routine.

Abandonment is another reality. Abandonment means your teens will spend very little time with the family which might lead to parents feeling lonely. Pickhardt also identifies control as another reality for the family.

He puts it this way, “The challenge for these parents is to accept that although they can’t control their son’s or daughter’s choices, they can inform them, asserting influence through communication they make and stands they take.”

Controlling the choice of your child might have been an easy thing when they were younger but as they approach the teen years, you will have no choice but to adjust to the new reality. The fifth reality that Pickhardt points out is conflict. Conflict is more of the norm for any household that has a teenager.

As much as these five realities make you feel like shipping your teen to boarding school, knowing what to expect can help you make the journey easier as you will feel more prepared for the challenge.

Tip 3: Understanding the purpose

As absurd as it may sound, this season of life has a unique purpose. The teen years will help your child transform from dependent to independent. This is a gradual process in which teens differentiate from parents and develop a sense of self-independence which will help prepare them to eventually live on their own. Even though you might not like the sound of it, your main role as a parent is to prepare your kids to be thriving and successful adults.

Teen years are characterized by a lot of conflict.  These conflicts are meant to “broker increasing differences between you and your teen, a necessary part of how you get along.”

The conflicts are wonderful opportunities for you and your teen to forge a way of dealing with disagreement and different opinions. It often feels like your teen is defiant or just being difficult but the truth is, the process is important in helping them to develop independence as well as a sense of self.

Everyone finds transitions difficult. Just reflect back on the last time you endured a huge transition and how it affected your life. You most likely felt uncomfortable, scared or even stressed. Whatever you felt, multiply that by ten – because your teen is going through ten plus years of transitions. Show them some empathy.

Tip 4: Encourage self-esteem

This is an easy tip – just look for an opportunity to build up or encourage your teen. Remember, your teen is going through lots of discouraging, lonely and disappointing moments. As the parent/guardian, you should be the one place they feel lifted up and you should be the one person that makes them realize their full potential.

You can achieve this by finding opportunities to share in their joys, joining the activities they find enjoyable, and encouraging them to be dreamers. Figure out what is important to your teen and get involved.

Tip 5: Eight anchors of teenage growth

Pickhardt reveals the Eight Anchors for Adolescent Growth in his book. These are great beginning points for parents who have teens and want to see significant improvement in the way they relate to their teens.

Completing homework: According to Pickhardt, completing homework is a great way for your kids to develop work ethics. Homework is the perfect way to practice finishing a daily task that you do not like. Discipline and time management are important skills for teens to learn because they will help them succeed in future.

Cleaning of the room: Daily cleaning and tidying up of the room is a great way for teens to practice caring for themselves and their personal space, while at the same time respecting the rules governing the household.

Household Chores: Chores will teach your teenager that there are responsibilities required for all members of a family. All members, including the parents, play an integral part in taking care of the home while maintaining its function. Pickhardt advises that chores should be completed without any monetary incentives.

Joining family events: This one will almost always get groaning and complaints from your teen. But even though your teenager prefers hanging out with his friends, it is important to remind them of the importance of family. This will teach them the valuable lesson that family takes precedence over peers.

Community service: Regularly volunteering for community service encourages your teen to be less selfish and see the importance of putting others before themselves.

Saving money: You should teach your teenager to manage their own money. Even though teens are different in their approach to money, it is important to teach them restraint, goal setting, and self-control when it comes to spending.

Developing proficiency: Pickhardt observes that, “Developing proficiency of knowledge of skill nurtures confidence that many adolescents sorely need.”  It is the role of the parent to encourage commitment to a given skill and the process of developing confidence in that area. This could be sports, art, music, or any other interest. Your teenager might feel like quitting at some point and that is when you should step in and encourage them to keep on trying.

Relating to salient adults: Parents should ensure that their teen is surrounded by enough loving and God-fearing adults to inspire and set a good example for them. This is important because it sharply contrasts with the influence that will come from immature peers. Find a couple of adults that can be a good influence and find opportunities for them to interact with your kids. They could be family friends, teachers, church leaders, or even relatives.

Parenting teenagers is both a hilarious and an exhausting process. There are days that will seem like they last forever while others will fly by. But regardless of where you are in this complex journey, just remember to never take it personally, set healthy expectations, understand the purpose, encourage self-esteem and find ways to establish the Eight Anchors of Adolescence.

Hopefully, the five tips shared above will help you see some positive improvement in your relationship with your teenager.  If you or your teenagers need extra support, reach out to our team. We will be happy to help you with any challenge you might be facing.