Restoring a Marriage After the Affair

As you exchange sacred vows, walk blissfully down the aisle, and celebrate your new chapter as husband and wife, thoughts of infidelity are far from your mind. You begin building a life with your spouse until one day you are blindsided by a confession expressing a deep-rooted struggle with sexual addiction.

When your spouse mentions habitual infidelity in the marriage, a wave of emotions crashes over you and can reach a level that is called relational trauma.

The one person you placed your unequivocal trust in has betrayed you, leaving you with feelings of confusion, rejection, anguish, abandonment, grief and possibly grappling with the loss of the person you thought you knew.

Although people don’t normally set out to become addicted to sex, the heartbreak that follows can leave one devastated. The question now is, what should you do after the affair? Can your marriage be restored to a healthy place?

Don’t Ignore Your Marriage

This kind of news can feel like a tornado has just swept through your home and heart leaving a pile of rubble in its wake. How do you pick up the pieces and rebuild? Couples tend to focus on the individual with the addiction and neglect the marriage as a whole.

But marital restoration after the affair takes the effort of both husband and wife working toward tender honesty, raw authenticity, and shared intimacy.

This can seem insurmountable at times, but identifying a counselor or recovery program that works for both of you is a step toward repairing the relationship after the affair.

Assess the Pain

The sting of deception can feel suffocating at times and requires careful attention to assess and begin the road toward restoration. The symptoms of relational trauma after the affair are often similar to those experienced by an individual suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Steffens and Means (2009), in their seminal book Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, list many of these symptoms: hyperarousal, hypervigilance, mood swings, flashbacks, rage, intrusive images, reliving the event, sleeplessness, anxiety, oversensitivity, depression, confusion, panic attacks, denial, restlessness, nightmares, dissociation, withdrawing, overeating, immune/endocrine system problems, inability to eat, chronic fatigue, avoidance, health problems, immobility, and helplessness.

The devastating damage after the affair can lead the spouse to attempt to control a partner’s addiction, numb the pain or choose to deny the painful reality of the situation.

It’s important to validate the different behaviors and intense emotions that stem from discovering your spouse’s sexual addiction. Feelings are real even if they aren’t always reliable. Sifting through the clutter in your heart can help provide a clear path through the pain.

Address the Pain

Staying isolated after the affair is not the answer. Silence during this season will only increase the separation between you and your spouse. Many offended spouses experience turbulent emotions toward themselves and their spouse. They can maintain an undeniable love for their spouse while simultaneously being gripped by sudden fear, hurt, and rage.

Uncertainty as to whether they should remain in the marriage after the affair ricochets through their thoughts daily. It’s a normal occurrence for deeply wounded spouses to prevent and protect themselves from additional harm.

During this time, the wounded partner may need to implement boundaries to establish a sense of security that has been stolen. These boundaries can set the foundation for rebuilding trust and may include:

• Needing their spouse to enter into a treatment program for sexual addiction.
• Having software placed on their computers and cell phones to monitor and restrict certain activity.
• Testing for sexually transmitted diseases.
• Understanding the complete details of the sexual addiction.

The boundaries that arise may vary depending on each individual’s unique needs but are a vital component in the journey toward oneness. If their husband or wife refuses to agree to the requested boundaries, this adds to the complicated process of rebuilding trust and security in the marriage.

Mend the Pain

Although sexual addiction is a part of your marital story, it does not have to lead to the end of your marital story. Joel 2:25 tells us, “I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten.” The Lord has always been the author and perfecter of restoration. Spouses who are willing to actively participate in counseling and completely commit to restoring trust and oneness in their marriage experience reconciliation and restoration. During the mending process a couple might want to explore these options:

• Identify a Christian counselor who has a background in treating sexual addiction and who understands the nature of relational trauma.
• Engage in couple counseling to help restore hope, rebuild trust, and strengthen emotional security in the marriage.
• Individual counseling for the wounded spouse to help work through the symptoms of relational trauma, validate underlying feelings and thoughts, and discuss their sense of identity and worth.
• Begin individual counseling or join mentoring-support groups for the addicted spouse.
• Seek the support of Godly friends and family you can trust to eliminate isolation.

If you, or a loved one, are dealing with the wounds from marital infidelity or wrestling with sexual addiction, feel free to contact us to schedule an appointment. We would welcome the opportunity to work with you toward a life of total freedom and fulfillment.