Tips for Dealing with Anger Management in Children

There are any number of reasons why a child may have anger issues. For example, they might be dealing with a major change in their life or have a disability that is a constant frustration for them. All children are born with unique dispositions and there are some life factors that result in an angry child. This can make it hard for parents to manage.

When approaching the topic of anger management for children, it is important to focus on the specific cause. However, there are general parenting principles in the Bible that can also help children to develop coping skills and have a functional life.

A common factor related to anger problems in children and teens is inconsistent parenting. Lenient parents will often focus on being connected with their child, but become controlling in a crisis. On the other hand, very strict parents do not allow their kids to be independent. They also may not know how to positively connect with their child when things are going well.

Many parents switch between the two styles inconsistently which leaves the child without any stability or way to figure things out. As a result, the child becomes confused and is constantly frustrated because of the lack of consistency. They are unable to learn the necessary coping skills that will help them handle the demands of real life.

Parenting Styles

In their revolutionary parenting book, “Parenting with Love and Logic”, Jim Fay and Foster Cline discuss two types of parents: The Drill Sergeant and the Helicopter Parent (Fay and Cline, 2006). The Drill Sergeant is controlling and orders their child around, communicating that the child is too dumb to think for themselves.

Conversely, the Helicopter Parent is constantly hovering and trying to shield their child from the difficulties of life. This conveys the message that the child is too weak to survive on their own and will never make it without their parent.

Though these parenting styles have elements of truth to them, they represent the extremes of the parenting plan spectrum. Kids obviously need discipline and protection, but these need to be provided in a balanced way.

Ephesians 6:4 reads, “Father, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” In this scripture, Paul is cautioning fathers not to provoke their children to anger. This is made possible by providing them with principles that are good for them, allowing them to receive training that will build character.

In Parenting with Love and Logic, the authors have come up with four helpful focus areas of parenting. They are very similar to the spiritual ways we see God facilitating His people’s growth in stories in the Bible.

These areas include:

• Creating an expectation of behavior
• Going over consequences for not meeting these expectations
• Carrying out these consequences with empathy when expectations are not met
• Giving the child the opportunity to try again

This model lets children learn from their mistakes instead of focusing and worrying about their parents’ reactions. A child’s anger problems are often caused by their attempt to be independent when their parent is not allowing it. The parenting approach being used does not allow them to make choices and learn responsibility. This article will discuss Fay and Cline’s parenting approach and how it is similar to the way God helps us grow as His children.

Creating Expectations

In Deuteronomy 28:13-15, God lays out the expectations of His covenant with the Israelites. He is very clear in explaining what the consequences will be for obeying or disobeying Him. He respects and trusts them as He gives them the freedom to choose.

When God created humankind, He was fully aware that they would rebel against Him. He could have made everyone obey and taken away their freedom to choose. However, He did not, even though it says in Genesis 6:6 that God’s heart “was deeply troubled” that He made mankind. As a parent, I find it hard to consider my children as individuals instead of extensions of myself. I want them to succeed, to avoid all the mistakes I have made, and cause me as little stress as possible.

The biggest problem with this thinking is that it is selfish. In order to create good expectations for a child, the expectations and consequences need to be clear. There should be a specific focus on what they need to learn in their current developmental phase. For example, if children need to learn to clean up after themselves, there should be a clear expectation to do so. The child should be able to meet the expectation and understand the consequence if the expectation is not met.

Oftentimes, parents will create rules or expectations without warning because they are worried or angry. When a child learns about an expectation through a parent’s emotions, it can be frustrating. They now have to reflect on their own choices while trying to keep their parent calm.

Kids that have anger issues are usually choosing to become an individual instead of making a connection with their parents. When their emotional parent is giving unclear expectations, it interferes with their decision making. The child becomes angry because it gives them a sense of control that they are not receiving from their environment. A parent needs to help their child give thought to their actions and learn to solve problems on their own. This begins with clear expectations that align with their current developmental needs.

Delivering Consequences

When delivering consequences, it is important to make it a learning experience and not be emotionally reactive. This can be difficult when the parent is angry or frustrated. However, when a parent just reacts at their child’s misbehavior, it teaches the child to be angry as well. Furthermore, when a child can’t figure out how to learn from their mistakes they will become frustrated. They will not be able to figure out the rules of the world because of their parent’s poor self-control.

In the Bible, there are examples of God getting angry, but He always has a plan when giving consequences. For example, in Genesis 3:17 God attempts to correct Adam’s choice when he disobeys the command to not eat from the tree.

Instead of accepting responsibility for his actions, Adam blames God and Eve. God uses this opportunity to teach Adam about the importance of taking responsibility. Adam will learn responsibility by having to work for his food, which is his only option if he wants to survive.

An effective consequence is one that teaches a child how to behave by linking their choices to natural consequences. Sometimes parents interpret the teaching of Proverbs 22:15, “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it out,” as referring to spanking.

Spanking a child in anger can teach them to be angry. Instead, discipline should help correct a behavior by allowing the child to experience the negative consequence of their actions. When done in a safe environment, this will train the child to make better choices when they are on their own.

For example, letting a child watch TV before cleaning their room will not teach them the value of delayed gratification. When they go off to college, they could end up with failing grades because there will be no one to yell at them to do their homework. They will never have learned a proper work ethic.

A better example of discipline would be to let the child know they are free to watch TV when their chores are done. Let them know that failure to complete chores will result in no TV until they can consistently obey. This provides a clear expectation, gives the child a choice, and does not rely on anger to be carried out.

Parents need to view delivering consequences as loving because it is teaching their child choice and responsibility. Needy parents usually hold back consequences because they think it is mean and don’t want to be disliked by their children. Controlling parents often yell because they think their child’s disobedience is a personal affront to them.

Empathy and Do-Overs

When there is a clear expectation and the consequence is given with love, a child can focus on their actions. They can think about the decisions they have made instead of the emotions of their parent. In Jonah 3:10, it reads, “When God saw what they did and how they turned from their evil ways, he relented and did not bring on them the destruction he had threatened.”

Whether they have experienced hardship through their own actions or that of others, God always offers the disobedient another chance to repent. This is how He shaped His people.

It is difficult to know when you are being too hard or too lenient when disciplining your child. Both extremes can lead to a child who has uncontrollable anger issues. One way to keep a balance between the two is letting the child know they are loved even when they are disobedient.

For example, when a child doesn’t clean his room in time to play video games, the parent can voice their empathy. Let the child know that it was a bummer they didn’t get to play, and remind them to make sure they clean their room next time. With this approach, the focus is on the natural consequence instead of the parent’s anger.

Even when the child gets angry, they learn that it is from their own choices. Feeling the parent’s love and knowing they can try again will motivate the child to make better choices. When a child is yelled at, the only thing they learn is that they don’t like being yelled at.

Christian Counseling for Anger Management in Children

In closing, I would like to reiterate that the principles in “Parenting with Love and Logic” are similar to patterns found in the Bible. Children need discipline with love. They are dependent on their parents for the first two decades of their life. They need to be taught how to manage their impulses productively before going out on their own.

Aside from developmental or learning disabilities, anger issues in children can be caused by their frustration with their home environment. An ineffective environment is one with too much negative reaction and not enough training with love.

If your child is showing signs of uncontrollable anger, meeting with a licensed therapist might be helpful. They can help figure out the root of the problem. Furthermore, learning how to train your child without frustrating them can yield great results.